Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[gs9]

Sandi,
Thank you for all the encouragement
I was doing really well not responding. I do feel I am not being the man only a fool would leave by being out to the wee hours of the morning on work nights, agree?

Saturday evening she sent a text that said " I'm missing you not being here" I didn't respond. 2 hours later she sent a text that said " Ha! Well, at least I tried! I'm sure you've moved on" I didn't respond

I love it, love it, love it!!! See how she's desperately trying to get a reaction out of you?

I do see it! she often tries to push my buttons.

I said " so nothing inappropriate?"
She said "no".
I said " I know you're not being honest. You expect me to be honest with you but you're not being honest with me"
She said " yes I am, he is just a good friend"
I said " W, I've read your text messages. I know you're not being honest. I know you've told him you love him, you're looking forward to a future with him, you've spent the night with him and he has told you he loves you too." She then admitted to these things.

Well, you should not have told her you've read her messages.]

Well I wanted her to know I knew she was lying to me.

I then told her everything....

Bummer

I told her that I understand and I would be happy to stop playing if she would stop talking to the other guy. She said it's not even a bargaining chip because she has no connection to this guy. I think she's just making an excuse to keep talking to him but I said "fine, I'll just stop playing because I understand it to be a obstacle if we're going to reconcile so I'll just stop"

Why???????

Because she believes I played too much poker before and it was an issue. I don't believe me playing is being the man only a fool would leave.

I told her I love her, I want her, I do not want a divorce, I want our m just not like the one we had.

She said our marriage ended last year and this part is just the paperwork. That if we're going to be M we would have a new proposal, ceremony and rings.

I noticed she said nothing about reconciling. She wants a wedding with new rings and the works.

yes, and actually she said she is not committed to the M. However, she is starting the relationship conversations, she is reaching out, I have not been reaching out, reacting to her button pushing but having R talks when she starts them.

We did hug some on the bed on top of the covers before we went to our separate rooms.

Oh yeah? And who slept in the MBR? - I did

The H is telling me to be open and honest with her. To not withhold from her. That she is coming around. To be an open book. I'm doubtful

You poor sap! You were doing fantastic until you decided to be open and tell her everything without holding back. THIS WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME! She was spinning. She was pursuing. She was jealous. She was frustrated she couldn't manipulate you......and you turned around and just screwed it.

ok! now what? I believe I can dust myself off and get back on the horse with out over doing the GALing. Ugh! She has been pursuing. The couple who we are talking with have been through our sitch. I feel like they are giving me some inside information. Also, She is still seething from my unfaithfulness 15 months ago. I'm not innocent but not to blame for her choices either.
So, what now?

[gs9]

"She continued to verbally abuse, running me down and rubbing the other guy in my face on a regular basis.
So you do think I should have continued letting her know where I was going and what I was doing even though she is WW?"

Not necessarily. You can show your trustworthiness in other ways. For example, if you say you're going to do something, do it. If you're going to the store, tell her and just ask if she needs something. etc.

Got it. I'm on it

[quote]"I feel the difference here (not that what she is doing is worse than what I did) is my unfaithfulness was once, no sex and I immediately confessed, repented, showed remorse, asked for forgiveness and began trying to earn her trust and reconcile our M."

Ask any woman on here if what you did was devastating, even though there was no physical sex. To them an EA is much worse than a PA.

No doubt. It wasn't an EA either. It was a drunken encounter. Not that makes it any better. I know what I did was terrible. I know it was devastating and I'm not discounting it at all. And our M has been suffering ever since.

Just concentrate on what YOU can do. It's tough as heck to not think of your W with another guy, trust me, I know, but the sooner you start concentrating on your actions and not hers, the quicker you will get through this.

Trying and was doing really well until last night.

It already seems like she's waffling because of her text about you possibly seeing other women. Don't tell her you are or are not. She will start reflecting her own insecurities onto you so you'll see more paranoia on her part. Shows that she doesn't want to fully give you up yet. Use that to your advantage.

I told her last night. She said if I'm with another woman then it will just re-enforce the decisions she's making about the D. If I would give up and move on then I want the D too and I have not changed. I know I can not control what she thinks but I do know I don't want her to think my integrity is not intact. I know being a man of integrity is a man only a fool would leave.

[MrBond]

"I told her last night. "

Yes I saw that before I wrote the post. Don't do that anymore.

[gs9]

"I told her last night. "

Yes I saw that before I wrote the post. Don't do that anymore.

Got it! I won't do it again.

So now what?

[gs9]

As she starts to reach out to me how do I know it's genuine?

[MrBond]

You'll know. Just don't trust blindly.

[gs9]

Breath.......Giant inhale......full exhale....
She just sent a msg "Maybe on Wednesday we can sit down and talk a little"
Not sure why Wed. I know I have IC tonight. Not sure what's going on tomorrow but Wednesday will give me some time to get my head on straight.

[gs9]

Not getting hopes too high but I wondering what she'll have to say.
Oh just thought about it. We'll have the boys tomorrow night

[dwh15]

I wouldn't assume anything. She might want to discuss moving out or D. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. There's no predicting the mind of a WW.

[gs9]

Very true. Not expectations. Hope for the best but will not be blindsided by D talk either.
and besides if she won't get the help she needs to be healthy I'd rather talk about the D. I'm not going back to an unhealthy marriage.