in house seperation (3)

[sandi2]

Whenever the W starts threatening false charges against you, I think it's time to be proactive in protecting yourself. Take this information to your lawyer, immediately, and get his legal advice.

[vise82]

Hey,

Weekends over. I feel very confident, after going through my W taking the kids, I was strong, wasn't a basket case, I kept a level head, with the help from this forum. I think I am in a good position to continue DB.

W and I didn't have any talk, she just came home when I was out with the Dog. She didn't want to talk, just sulked on the couch. I was so happy to see my kids again I just played with them all day.

I don't know what she was going to tell me if we did talk.

It felt good to be in the MBR and my bed again, I got some great sleep. I feel like its a turning point for me. Everyone talks about goals, I am going to have to make some.

It been a month now since she has had wine with the neighbor across the street. Just a fact, no expectations.

Going to think positive thoughts today.

[vise82]

Hey,

W emailed me this morning, I have told her no emails at work unless an emergency. Its a question about getting glue to fix our kids rollerblade toy.

This is a boundary that she has crossed and I don't reply as the consequence.

She can talk to me at home about it.

I should leave it at that, but I wonder why the email, is she trying to pull me into a email spewing? Is she trying to be disrespectful, poke at me, or is it more friendly and showing she is thinking of me. Another cheese less tunnel.

Got another email about soccer, my new GAL starting this Sunday.

[Zephyr]

Hey,

W emailed me this morning, I have told her no emails at work unless an emergency. Its a question about getting glue to fix our kids rollerblade toy.

This is a boundary that she has crossed and I don't reply as the consequence.

She can talk to me at home about it.

I should leave it at that, but I wonder why the email, is she trying to pull me into a email spewing? Is she trying to be disrespectful, poke at me, or is it more friendly and showing she is thinking of me. Another cheese less tunnel.

Got another email about soccer, my new GAL starting this Sunday.

You cannot 'Tell' your wife not to send you emails whenever she wants. She is a grown woman (who just happens to be pi$$ed at you right now), who can do what she wants, right? her being rebellious towards you is disrespectful, no question. You are the cool, confident one who will lead your marriage our of the turmoil. You can certainly talk to her calmly and mention to her that you are busy at work and will get back to the personal email stuff when you get home and have ample time to focus on the information, and give it its due consideration. You control your actions, you can respond when you think it is appropriate. heck some people just write emails when it comes to their minds (I know I do, I may not expect a response right away, it is just something that I do so I don't forget later).

There is a difference, maybe pretty subtle, ok. It is the difference between you trying to control her actions and trying to make sure you are appropriately spending time at the office, conducting yourself like a professional, still giving importance to her communications all the while, making sure you are clearly wanting to be part of the team raising your children.

Does that make sense? LBS doesn't have to be hard-a$$ed to take a hard stand about things. Maybe I error to ofton on the soft side, but we are trying to project that although we are not going to take any more bull-$hit anymore, we still care and are capable of being respectful and compassionate.

BTW, Great work on finding new outlet - getting out!!!

[vise82]

Hey Zephyr,

Good point, Of course I want to hold to my boundaries, I also am wanting to get rid of this hard a$$ attitude that she is picking up on me. I am finding it hard to do that. I have been wanting to make the transition from the DB with a WW to just DB. I am not sure if this is the time yet but I am thinking about it. Or do I continue like she is a WW, no contact. Before BD I would not reply to texts and avoid emails. I don't know if this is the time for 180,s?

[Zephyr]

Vise,

"Of course I want to hold to my boundaries, I also am wanting to get rid of this hard a$$ attitude that she is picking up on me. I am finding it hard to do that."

You are still very attached to your wife's actions and are trying to control the outcome of this whole ordeal. I understand at this point. You should be taking a deep breath and trying to decide exactly what you want to do for you. Setting boundaries is a great way to do that, Not getting angry at here and telling her what to do.

"I have been wanting to make the transition from the DB with a WW to just DB. I am not sure if this is the time yet but I am thinking about it. Or do I continue like she is a WW, no contact."

If she is wayward??? She is willing to threaten you with bogus charges, taking your kids away on a whim, lying to you...then she is still quite WW and only way that is going to change is if she wants to. You can't FORCE her to change or snap out of it or anything. What you can do is to stay strong and confident...set your boundaries.

I am asking is for you to think about how you have been approaching your interactions. Detaching yourself from her crazy train is so important right now. Detaching yourself from her moods and actions, allows you to not react. it allows you to do what you think is best for you and your kids. What that is, is really up to you.

If you are on the path of removing your support from your wife's life, as a friend, supporter, etc. as described on Sandi's WW thread, then I would say that is a fantastic approach. Where I potentially see your efforts faltering is the continued reactions to what she is doing and getting upset with her.

Also, please, please, please reread the Detachment and boundaries information that is on the welcome thread. Also try to read more / anything more on the webs from reliable sources to help with this. The resounding theme should be in your head that this is a way to protect you, not to control her.

DEEP BREATH. do some more reading!
You can do this!!!

[sandi2]

W has a friend that needs her dog looked after for the weekend. she hasn't asked yet but has hinted. I think I am going to say no, then I am sure I will get the anger treatment.

You mean she has to go stay at the friend's house, in order to pet sit? How far away does the friend live? Is it a house dog?

Why are you going to say, "no"?

Thoughts keep popping in my head about the wedding she is going to, I am trying to convince my self this might be a turning point for my W.

Which way do you mean this? A turning point in the right direction or the wrong?

As temptation will be there as she will be gone for two nights and there has already talk about the best man being interested in her. This is a choice she will have to make to be faithful or not.

Okay, so are you talking about two separate weekends? One for the friend's pet, and another one for the wedding? Has she started finding things to be away for the weekends more than she is normally gone?

Is this talk about the best man being interested in her, rumored in the family or a small group? Does she know? Was she the one who told you?

[vise82]

Hey sandi,

I read a text that her friend is asking my W to look after her dog at our house. My W will be away that weekend because of a wedding. That leaves me to look after the dog. I haven't been asked yet. but I know now to say no, she is not my friend.

When she is at the above wedding I think this will be a good turning point. It could go either way, but if she has the opportunity to cheat and doesn't that could be good for me.

The talk of the best man was of texts between her best friend (bride) and my W. All that was said was that the best man was worried what he was wearing because my wife was coming out to meet them. My wife laughed it off and said for him not to be worried she looks tired right now. Then she manages to wear some really nice clothes to go out. I know how it goes with the wedding party ( W is maid of honour and the other guy is best man, they get to walk down together and spend all this time together with them dressed up looking there best and alcohol.

Anyway I want to stop thinking about it. Its nothing I can control, its my W decision to cheat or not. She thinks she is single right now by taking off her rings, but who knows what she is truly thinking.

[vise82]

Hey Zephyr,

Yes I am still too attached. I will re-read the sections on it. I find I have to read this stuff over and over before it starts to make sense.

Yes she is still WW. I just have this hope...Just seems I am making a better life for me and just waiting for her to drop the next bomb. I know that this is what DB is preparing myself for this worse case scenario. Its just hard to see it happening, even after all that has happened so far I am still in denial about how bad it is. I am not letting go till she has completely, even then I hope I can. I survive by looking at today. right now. getting through it. Sleep and take on the next day.

I replied to my W email at the end of the day. She didn't respond. I just said ok I will pick us glue on the way home. Is it just that simple, or was she playing an angle, checking up on me.

OK you say to start thinking what is best for me and my kids. So everything I do I should be thinking that going forward.

[vise82]

Hey,

It was a ok night, W worked late, I fed the kids and when my W came home we all watched some Halloween movies together, I put the kids to bed, fixed my kids toy with the glue W asked for me to bring home. ( It was my S who asked my W to ask me to get the glue). We talked about logistics, and said a few other random stuff about my work. NO fighting. No R talks.

Then I went to the basement to watch TV, W was upstairs and she had the gate open, usually its closed so I would have to open a gate to get to the room she was in. Non verbal communication leaving it open?

She was up and down stairs before I left for work, I mentioned I was going to apply for a line of credit, there is an old CC that is in my name that my W has stopped making payments on and is in collections for a year and a half. It was almost past the statute of limitation and the she made a payment on it randomly.

Now its like its new debt and has to be paid off. I don't want this to ruin my credit so hopefully I get approved for the line of credit. This is something I should have taken care of a long time ago but my W was paying all the bills and she decided which bill got paid and what didn't back then when only one of us was working. This is also a 180 for me.