Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[gs9]

"I stopped because she started having an A and refused to stop contact with him."

Why?

"She told me she never checked on where I was going, she wasn't checking my emails and I could have been doing anything I wanted. She didn't know if she could trust me because she wasn't checking. She said my check in text messages were annoying."

You don't have to make them seem like you're checking in. And besides, her recent texts to you prove the opposite of what she told you. I thought you read DB? Remember the believe none of what they say and half of what they do rule?

First off....thank you so much for chatting with me today. I am really struggling today.
When I stopped I hadn't been to this site or the DB book yet. I started using tough love and stopped pursuing her bc it felt like I wasn't getting anywhere by pursuing her. She continued to verbally abuse, running me down and rubbing the other guy in my face on a regular basis.
So you do think I should have continued letting her know where I was going and what I was doing even though she is WW?

"I also saw it as pursuing someone who no longer was honoring our M.

Do you think I should have kept doing these things even though she had left our M?"

Why not? She did it to you when you weren't honoring your M.

I'm sorry I'm confused about this part. She did what to me when I was not honoring our M?

Funny how now that she's going after someone who she feels respects her after you didn't, that you feel that SHE is wrong and are trying to punish her for it.

Help me understand how I'm punishing her bc I definitely don't want to do that. I feel the difference here (not that what she is doing is worse than what I did) is my unfaithfulness was once, no sex and I immediately confessed, repented, showed remorse, asked for forgiveness and began trying to earn her trust and reconcile our M. She has slept with at least one guy, has had at least 2 A and it's been ongoing for 5 months. She shows no remorse, no apology, no repentance and continues communication with at least one other man to this date. How do I help her get to where I immediately went to? Remorse, reconciliation, repentance

Just goes to show how badly your A hurt her.

It destroyed her. I know. I have recently taken every opportunity to validate those feelings when she expresses them. She's given me this opportunity twice in the last week.

So you have a choice. Show that you can be trusted (doesn't have to be checking in) by doing things that show you are trustworthy or continue to look down on her even though you did it to her.

You're right. I do have a choice. I took the GALing too far. I wanted her to wonder what I was doing and where I was going. I'm not surprised that her imagination would immediately go to "I must be with OW" bc jealousy has been a big issue for her. But I thought we want a WW to wonder and worry about losing us? If she doesn't worry about losing me won't she continue down the same path.
Give it to me straight. If I'm screwing up tell me. I appreciate constructive criticism.