my plan is to do it right. Do it the legal way and it will be for sure that i will have a court order to see my girls. I have always done her way. Her way or the highway. I am done with that. Today i meet with my lawyer to get everything started.
I understand. But youre also taking a chance here.
Who knows what kind of agreement you could have set working collaboratively with her. 30-70? 50-50? who knows?
Now, youll both be in a fight for custody. If you lose, what will you get? 15%? less?
I am willing to do it right. Not her way. Also this is my only opportunity to express my concerns that she is abusing my daughter physiologically, because when ever i would tell her , she would just tell me to $%$ off. I dont want my daughter to fall in the same cycle as her. I dont want my daughter to be a bully in middle school just like her mom was. I dont want my daughter to beat her husband when she gets married, who knows that husband might fight back and not be a weakling like me.
You still don't get it. You see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear and do what you want do all while justifying your actions through hers.
WHY you decided not to meet her is less important than how you went about it. You did not achnowledge 1 of the issues with how you acted and instead went right to "my W hasn't let me see my children in 6 weeks" as a means to justify and ignore you own role. I have no doubt this is the one sided viewpoint you see your M through also.
It sounds to me like you had a chance to see and talk to your kids but used the opening instead to come onto her and attempt to guilt her into coming back to you. I can understand why she would cut you off if all you did was use it to pursue her. Not saying I agree with what she's doing but it's clearer now seeing your behavior. This dynamic you blame all on her is caused by you also.
I also want to explain why I'm jumping down your throat so hard. Me and my W both have had this one sided viewpoint and I had this feeling when I first started reading your posts it was the same. It drags me back and reminds me of the dysfunction in my M also and you havent woken up any of it.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Maybe you have to put on a strong front to not give in to her - but try to work on not going to extremes in everything you do.
It seems you go from putting everything in her hands, to putting everything in the hands of the Lord, to putting everything in the hands of the L or the court.
I thought it was interesting to read the quotes Azzork included from her texts. She said 'this is the last time I'm trying' - which means, there *has* been communication in these 6 weeks, she *has* tried to facilitate communication between you and the children. You have unfortunately been too wrapped up in your own feelings to take advantage of it. There were also other things she said that indicated there has been communication, you haven't been in the total dark for 6 weeks.
It's good to stop being a victim, but you don't want to become a tyrant instead. You have a tendency to black and white thinking that is not going to work well for you. Maybe some of "her way" is also the right way? Maybe she's not all wrong and you're not all right, and even the court can be wrong about some things? There are no easy answers.
Try to separate the issues. Your relationship with your wife is separate from the relationship with your children.
On one hand, you want to have a good relationship with her to facilitate the cooperation about the children.
On the other hand, you want to protect your children from what sounds like abusive behavior on her part towards them.
How do you best achieve that? If you alienate her, she is going to hide from you and shut you out, like she is now.
I think your ideas of what is going to happen, are a little misguided. You're not going to the lawyer to 'serve her'. And even if that was an option, why would you do that? It will only cause conflict. It's vengeful. You should talk to your lawyer about how to get an *immediate and temporary* custody agreement in place so you can see the children while you figure out what to do.
You don't have to make all the big decisions in this moment. Things take time - and that time is a gift. You should use it to get your bearings back, make plans, be patient (this is where God comes in - pray for patience), think and reflect, watch and listen, and improve yourself.
The urge to act is something we all experience - you want to end the pain and uncertainty. If you want at all to improve your relationship with your W to where you might be able to save your marriage, you have to live with uncertainty and pain for a long time. Can you do that?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
She didnt try to communicate all these 6 weeks, the first week s he left she told me to leave her alone, and stop calling her, she stopped all communication the first day because i told her to get help because she went to the extreme on taking my daughters to a shelter knowing that she had a good home and i couldnt have easily left. She is taking a these anti depressing pills and anxiety pills, she is going through postpartum, I would go insane too if my only communication was with a 3yrd old.
I already told her if she wants a divorce she can go and file for it, i am not stopping her. She will have to take me to court for that. I in the other hand will stand tall and firm , fighting for this marriage until the end. My focus right now is my daughters and most importantly stopping that cycle of abuse that comes from her family. I have at least gotten help from my neglect as a child, she is not willing to accept she is an abuser, even when she physically abused me she blamed it on me saying a forced her to do that. I know my flaws and i accept them. Maybe by the time she realizes she had some fault , it wil be too late.
Again, you piece together and hear/say what fits the story you want to hear. You told her day 1 she needed help because she took your daughters to a shelter? ......You didn't even know she was at a shelter until a week after she left when you followed her.
Last edited by Fogg; 10/26/1506:04 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
"I in the other hand will stand tall and firm , fighting for this marriage until the end."
And how have you been doing that?
"My focus right now is my daughters and most importantly stopping that cycle of abuse that comes from her family."
You can't fully control that. She is their mom and unless you have them removed from her, you will not be able to run their lives they way YOU see fit. What you can do is to teach them a better option and let them come up with their own beliefs.
"I have at least gotten help from my neglect as a child, she is not willing to accept she is an abuser,"
And you can't make her.
"even when she physically abused me she blamed it on me saying a forced her to do that. I know my flaws and i accept them. Maybe by the time she realizes she had some fault , it wil be too late."
Honestly, the self-righteous attitude isn't going to help your sitch. If you continue to wait for your W to accept guilt, etc., your M is not going to go anywhere.
Have you learned how to communicate with those who have a history of abuse? You need to rebuild trust with them on their terms. Slowly. Right now you're coming on very strong and it's pushing her away.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
