PP's WAW Adventure Continues - (8)

[asitis]

It is baffling, hopeful, painful, frustrating, and exciting all at the same time. Patience. Patience! She is not done with you. I know you sometimes go there, but trust that she is not from an outside perspective. It may end up there, but that die is not cast yet.

Softening: when my W really opens up and exposed herself now, I get really soft in my validation. "Yeah. I know. Yeah, that's frustrating isn't it?" but in a very soft voice. Softening is one of the things most of us men really need to go through. Not rolling over, but being able to connect and really get the pain and challenges our partners are going through.

My suggestion is that the distance you've requested is something you put into place that needs some exceptions: Next time you switch off, leave your exchange with a flirt bomb and walk away. You really look incredible in those jeans! I love that smile - it still turns me to putty! Whatever you are wanting to say that is flirtatious, do it but with you on your way out. You aren't pursuing, it doesn't turn into an awkward moment, just a lingering glow and a hint that there is still an opening if she chooses.

You aren't violating the rules with this. You've shown that you accept their decision. You are walking the walk. You have indicated that you want more distance for yourself. Yet, you still have the spark that she wants. It isn't trying to get her back, as you've been moving away, just a matter of fact exclamation that is possible now that you have dropped the rope.

I've thought for a while that you two aren't done. This convo confirms that suspicion. The devil is in the details, of course. And getting your hope up too much would not be good either. You will likely need to be apart for a long while, and I'd indicate my acknowledgement of that reality. Time for you to send some mixed messages in terms of the relationship, but not in terms that you ever gave up on her or stopped admiring and loving her.

In know my W & I need to be apart for her sake. I accept that and am helping to make that a reality. Still, getting her to see what I was at that point made the flirtation possible & maybe effective. It is a lot more powerful to let go, but still express your interest in her. It is more authentic when you've stopped the pursuit and are allowing her to move on.

[Sotto]

Hi PP - interesting developments.....your W is thinking for sure. Equally D is in progress, and you need to keep expectations low.

I think you were right not to pursue the angle of maybe we just need a S. When these convos with a WAS happen, it is tempting to take them on to the next level. But I think that becomes like moving our hand whilst timid squirrel is feeding from it. Much better to sit back, be still and see how things unfold.

Please try not to spend too much time thinking of your W. Keep the focus on your own life as much as you can and continue with your own plans. I think you did well, and I'm pleased for you if things are shifting in your sitch

[Vanilla]

Go with the flow.

No expectations, leave that to us!

V

[PigPen]

Thanks all. I appreciate your feedback. As I put in the post, so much of that interaction was made possible by tools picked up here on this board. I'm trying not to put much weight in it, and know that D is still moving forward. I do hope that it was a healing conversation for my W, it was helpful for me to get to express my own feelings.

My plan is to continue on as usual. I've got a big day of chores plans to try to keep my mind off of her and back on my own life. So far it's, well, kind of working. I'm getting stuff done, but she's on my mind a lot.

One of the things she told me was that anytime she'd bring up our relationship, what she needed out of it, and what was upsetting to her was that I would get angry. That I would tell her I don't have time to deal with that now and would even swear at her. Eventually this lead her to simply stop bringing her needs up and she said a year before BD she started withdrawing and not sharing parts of her life with me.

I believed we had very emotionally intelligent arguments, but that wasn't her experience. Was hard to hear but I'm going to bring it up to my IC next week and see if he recommends an anger management course, or if it's something we can work on moving forward.

I know for sure that I was overwhelmed, under slept, and addicted so I'm sure that made me an a-hole more often than I realized - despite my thoughts at the time to the contrary. My life is now considerably more simple, present, and consistent, but I want to make sure that if it gets crazy again that I have the tools to handle difficult communications in a relationship without turning into a jerk.

Goals for the week are to:

- take my dog out for a hike or to the beach every day
- finish reading Storms Can't Hurt the Sky
- start rereading NMMNG
- journal about my experience with our communication and ways I know I could have handled it better

PP

[mutatio]

I went to anger management counseling. It was helpful.

[mutatio]

Sorry wife can into the room and I posted quickly.

My wife said for years that I should go to Anger Management. I had an ego and said there's nothing wrong with me. This spring I went for 12 sessions, an insurance program allowing 12 sessions a year. Interesting thing I got from it is that mindfulness is an important tool in managing anger. Stepping outside the anger to manage the emotion. Learning the signs of anger to see it coming. Frustration is a low rung on the ladder of anger. Another thing is what I thought was anger when I went "off" is now what I would consider rage.

I now reject the indulgence of anger. There are much better ways to solve problems then behaving like a child.

[rd500]

Hi PP. sounds like a positive interaction with W and you handled it with grace.

No expectations and it's nice to know she's thinking


Take care. Rd

[PigPen]

Thanks Mutatio and Rd, appreciate you swinging by.

Just got off the phone with my best friend, I called him to give me a 2x4. I now understand Wonka's post a few posts back about really doubling down on the DB efforts and not letting my W get into my head.

I failed at that with the last conversation we had. She's been in my head all day today. So much so that I called my friend instead of calling her and asking her why on earth we are getting D'ed if the reasons she listed as problems in our M have been resolved or at least have been addressed in a manner that gives them credence.

Our interaction on Saturday was just like so many of the ones in the past, but even more intimate. She got teary eyed telling me how when we were M she would see glimpses of "the real me" when my work settled down, or even when I had had too much to drink and would gush about how much I loved her and loved being with her, but how at all other times I was too consumed with my work and shut down.

While I don't think she specifically said anything purposefully to manipulate me on Saturday, the pursuer/distancer dynamic has been reignited anyway - I want to reach out to her and am thinking about a life with her. Last week I didn't want to reach out to her and was thinking about a life without her. If her goal, even subconsciously was to get me to think about her and want to pursue her, she did it masterfully. Or I'm just a really easy mark.

It's all so frustrating to hear about other couples that we both know that in her words "just needed to get some counseling and have a major stressor removed from their M and now they're doing better than ever" but then not have counseling be an option for us - especially given that the three major stressors that we had as a couple are now gone as well.

Is this where the "believe actions over words" part of DB'ing holds the strongest? That her words are only justifying why she left and I'm looking for an answer that I may never get? Or is this exactly what Wonka outlined, that she wants to keep me interested and is doing so by now opening up herself?

I got a TM from her yesterday saying "It was great to be able to connect with you yesterday". From my standpoint it probably was for her because she isn't sitting in my shoes now wondering why on earth we're not together.

I'm a very confused PP today. It was almost better being horribly depressed last week.

Any thoughts are appreciated. Even if they're full speed 2 x 4's.

PP

[rd500]

Hi PP No where near a vet but gonna throw my two cents in The convo was fine and throughout your posting the only time I've seen your W try to manipulate you was over Wolfie ( and who would blame her !!!). While believe nothing and the 50% thing the text was a good thing.

The trick now is to stay on your path. W is thinking and that's great but no expectations. Nothing has changed. ( yet ? )

Glad you had a bud to call

Positive thoughts heading your way

Take care. Rd

[PigPen]

Thanks rd, it helps to hear it here too. I just read a post by Thornton about slowing things down in his situation and how hard it was but how important it was.

I feel the shift, and know that with paperwork on the table I'm anxious. I completely let this get the best of me today, I've done nothing else but obsess about my situation.

And pound coffee.

PP