Where to begin? Part 2

[Dawgs]

Maybe the way to tell that the you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel is when she starts to demonstrate true remorse and starts pursuing in a way that is undeniable.

Think about how most of us reacted when our spouses told us that they were no longer in love or when we learned about the A. We lost our minds and started begging and pleading and obviously pursuing. Maybe that's what you need to see before you can truly say that she is ready to work on your marriage and the light at the end of the tunnel is real. I'm sure I read about the roles of the LBS and WWS switching at some point and that the LBS needs to be careful not to carry too much anger and resentment if/when the WWS decides it's time to return and work on the R.

Very wise words, Cole! How are things in your neck of the woods?

Knowing my W as I do, she is very prideful and has a hard time admitting she was wrong. So far I haven't seen that.

I would more than love to see those actions out of her, but even when we were dating and getting serious she never was like that - she was/is very much like me and has a hard time expressing stuff and she definitely isn't a pursuer. I am not saying that she would behave in ways that is akin to pursuit, but I just don't know. Honestly, I really don't know what to make of her actions.

So here was our weekend and maybe you can decipher it for me: We were supposed to go to a military function but we ended up not going because her uniform wasn't ready and stained. So, she said why don't we just go out instead? Me, being the weakling that I am at times about her, said sure. The kids were already at the place they were spending the night so I thought why not. As we were getting ready, she was on the playful side poking me in the stomach and such. She also changed in front of me - something which she hasn't done in quite sometime. So we went out and had a great time and she was very chatty as she has been the past little bit. Came in pretty late and lay on the floor together watching a movie. Now, there wasn't any ML going on as she "isn't there yet," but it definitely seems her attitude toward me is warming.

I will say this, from the beginning of our dating I have noticed that she is unlike any woman I have ever met. Back then I knew some of her past and how it affected her. I also knew of her slowness to show affection even then. So, maybe that is affecting her now and she is beginning to thaw??? I just don't know.

I am still working on myself and trying to follow the advice here. Honestly, I really wonder if I push to much of the techniques on here what kind of affect it would have on her. I want to say that by doing what I have been has been working, but we will see. One of the things that I am most afraid of is if I go full out with the DB techniques is would she just give up? I believe in one of my posts somewhere I said that she doesn't give second chances at all. I just really don't know what to think.

[Dawgs]

Ok guys, need some advice:

As I said, we went out this weekend (at her suggestion - the kids were already at family due to pre-planned military event) and we had a very nice time...one of the better ones, I think. Stayed out late and ended up on the floor watching a movie.

I really want to "ask her out" again - what do you guys think?

[Cole_]

E - I'm glad to hear that your relationship seems to be heading in a positive direction. At least it certainly seems like it. The fact that she suggested spending time with you is a good thing and I'm envious, I just would be absolutely sure to be strong and take it slow. Let her set the pace, let her pursue, don't ask her out but try to make it clear that you are open to the idea. Good luck!

My situation on the other hand seems to have played itself out and I expect to meet with a mediator after the holidays. I'll try to update my own thread rather than distract anyone from you.

[MrBond]

What do you mean by "full out with the DB techniques"? What "techniques" are you talking about?

You have read the books right?

[Dawgs]

Hi Cole, thanks for stopping by. I really want to think that it is heading in the right direction. She does suggest things, but the closeness isn't there yet - I haven't tried to really touch her, as in hold hand or any other type of display. I think it's really hard to make it clear that I am open to the idea without pursuing, right?

I hope that isn't the case for you, Cole. Things always have a way of working out. Good luck my friend and keep stopping by!

[Dawgs]

MrBond,

It's kind of hard to explain it. Yes, I read it. The thing is my W is sort of different, I guess. I keep going back to her past (including childhood) and the affect it has on her thought processes today. One of her biggest things she has said is that I should have known things and never needed her to say it. Also, she is pretty skittish when about the heart and seems to run when things get bad.

That leads me to say what I did about going all out. I have been practicing Sandi's 37 pretty faithfully, although I do slip once in a while. I think that if I go too far and really quit showing interest, then she (in her mind) may think I have quit or just don't want her or whatever, therefore pushing the "leave" button even more. Although that may be all in my mind...

I guess in reality I am just scared to go to any extreme because - in her mind- it may push her even further down that road. She has said numerous times that she sometimes perceives things wrong but her mind sticks with it, if that makes sense.

[Maximus]

Hi E,

I have seen a few posts where members worry that if they go too far in going dark or whatever shade of grey their spouse will call it quits thinking they move on.

IMHO I think that before shutting down or moving on they always give a last tally ho. Be it an action or event either kindly or sarcastically and from their reaction you can tell how it affects them. If they do, take it with a pinch of salt, same as if they don't. Sometimes you missed the action or event as it comes in all shapes and sizes.

As their reactions can be for so many reasons dont waste too much time thinking about it. If they want you or the R to work, they will not checkout so easily.


As for you, I do not know your full situation but if you detach correctly and not shut out she shouldnt be in that position.

I think that we confuse how we acted in our M where we probably did more shutting out than detaching as well as have a different dynamic of a downward spiral and how we act now. I saw a post where a member explained it perfectly. The difference between moving on and moving forward. In our M we were maybe moving out/on and here we have to learn to move forward.

Maybe a vet can help out here.

Peace

[Dawgs]

Suddenly I just feel really down for some reason. I just miss her and us now. I really want to tell her this, but I know how counter-productive it is. I also want to find a way to tell her the door is open on my end without seeming like a pursuer, any ideas?

[Thornton]

Don't do it!

I went through that on a daily basis! Don't do it!

[MrBond]

"The thing is my W is sort of different, I guess. I keep going back to her past (including childhood) and the affect it has on her thought processes today. One of her biggest things she has said is that I should have known things and never needed her to say it."

I don't think you read the books carefully. This is just the way M is. Spouses get close and assume that the other should know what the other is thinking. It's called mindreading. What it really is, is a lack of communication.

"Also, she is pretty skittish when about the heart and seems to run when things get bad."

If you haven't noticed, all of the WASs on here are like that.

"That leads me to say what I did about going all out. I have been practicing Sandi's 37 pretty faithfully, although I do slip once in a while."

You do know those aren't Sandi's rules right? They are in the book.

"I think that if I go too far and really quit showing interest, then she (in her mind) may think I have quit or just don't want her or whatever, therefore pushing the "leave" button even more. Although that may be all in my mind..."

Again, I question if you really read the books because that's not what DBing is all about. DBing is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. You can't control her actions or what she's going to do. You're doing that out of fear. Instead, do something and see how she reacts. If she reacts favorably, then do more of that. If she doesn't like what you do, then do less of that.

"I guess in reality I am just scared to go to any extreme because - in her mind- it may push her even further down that road. She has said numerous times that she sometimes perceives things wrong but her mind sticks with it, if that makes sense."

I don't know why you think you need to go to extremes. Make small changes and moves here and there so she doesn't even notice them. Eventually those things will become habit.