Got tired of the title of the old thread... time for a change.
Sandi, I read your post in my old thread. My wife was definitely guilty of some of those things you mention, not all though. For future relationships (either with her or not), how do I deal with signs of disrespect? For example, my wife is an eye roller. Drove me crazy. Not just to me, it's what she does. I've seen her do it with her family. So she had developed that behavior before me. I told her repeatedly not to do it. But it was/is wired in her brain. We all have behaviors that are wired in our brain and it is very difficult to stop unless we become conscious of them. How should I have handled that situation?
Such a weird feeling today. I woke up and felt optimistic about a future relationship with my wife. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. I do not like feeling this way either, leaves me too vulnerable. This was the first time I have had this feeling since a few days before she moved out (3 months+ ago). So strange for it to just bubble up with no catalyst.
Sandi, I read your post in my old thread. My wife was definitely guilty of some of those things you mention, not all though. For future relationships (either with her or not), how do I deal with signs of disrespect? For example, my wife is an eye roller. Drove me crazy. Not just to me, it's what she does. I've seen her do it with her family. So she had developed that behavior before me. I told her repeatedly not to do it. But it was/is wired in her brain. We all have behaviors that are wired in our brain and it is very difficult to stop unless we become conscious of them. How should I have handled that situation?
It is a matter of addressing it as soon as it starts in a relationship. And, if you have repeatedly told her to stop and she doesn't even try, then she obviously doesn't care how it makes you feels.
Eye rolling can indicate so many negative things for the person on the receiving end. It can become a terrible habit, which is no excuse. Unless she has been on the receiving end for a long time......she may not know how it feels. Of course, some wives just don't care how it makes the H feel. Rest assured, it is usually a sign of contempt, when you see a W rolling her eyes at the H.
I think men, especially the nice-guy types, tend to let it slide without calling the wife out, in the early years of M. He may fear she'll accuse him of pettiness, or mock him in some way.......and so he tries to ignore it. Ignoring it is the mistake. The sooner he stops it in the M, the better.
If the W is too far down the road in years of showing outward disrespect, you may feel almost petty to draw attention to the eye rolling now. If the couple is not able to calmly and lovingly discuss this issue, then the H needs to be ready with a boundary and consequence. If talking does no good, then what will do some good? (I remember Coach writing an example of setting a boundary when the W gets mad and bangs the pots & pans and slams cabinet doors).
Once the W is wayward, eye rolling may seem lower on the totem pole of offenses. That is something you have to decide. However, if the MR is to ever be what you want, this should be an area the W is willing to cooperate with you when piecing the M back together.
Here is the bottom line. It is showing disrespect. The more disrespect you allow, the more she will display. If she does not cease with disrespectful actions, then you have to decide if you want to live your life with a woman who continues to treat you this way.
I don't know if this answers your question or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is one of the things on my list that would need to be addressed. I definitely agree that it displays contempt. Ugh... I wish I could back 6 years. I guess, at the least, I can make sure that my next relationship does not suffer the same the issues.
Below are Flights comments taken from my old thread. I was having this same debate within myself this weekend. When I was not sure if I wanted my wife back, this was no issue. Now that I know I want her back, it is harder to stick with no contact. It has been over two months now. Shouldn't I do some temp checking myself? I would have to follow the rules closely (ie no pursing, R talk etc). I am curious as to what some of the vets think on this.
Here is what flight posted:
"The only thing I question is NC. There may be a time for it, but I don't think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absense makes a fond heart grow fonder. You have to rebuild a connection with your spouse without it seeming like chasing. If you become the distancer, it is possible the wayward then becomes the pursuer, but if they are happy and free, each day not thinking of you takes them further away from you. If you go 3 months without contact, I would think things are getting pretty cold. Why not a little touch here and there, "Know you love yoga, though you might enjoy this article", etc? And you have to find what works with your spouse. Making them jealous will even work on some spouses, but it isn't the best course for most."
Your feelings changed and now you want to know if your actions should change? My answer is no. In general, I wouldn't take action based on your feelings. Who's to say that they won't change again?
As fpr contacting her - do you think what you were doing before WASNT the best chance at getting her back? That's the reason we don't act on feelings - you were already doing the right things based on your logical approach. Why change based on emotions?
No, my feelings have not changed. I have always wanted her back, for sure. I think we have the potential for something special. I really believe that. I would say that I feel more strongly that this is what I desire and am just not sure if the NC is right strategy anymore. So I was debating that this weekend, then I see flight's post and I am like maybe I should try something different.
I don't think that I am thinking about changing course based on emotions here. I think I do a fairly good job of removing emotions the best I can, but that's also why I come here before making moves :-). I do think that NC was my best shot, especially during the first 2-3 months after she left. But when does that not become the best shot anymore? Know what I mean? 4,5,6 months? Eternity? I feel like we are in stalemate here (mind reading I know, she might just not be thinking about me at all). In the book, it suggests trying something and waiting for a response. OK... so the no contact has been going for a while with no response. Is it time for a change of pace?
So I was debating that this weekend, then I see flight's post and I am like maybe I should try something different.
I understand. But I think that you are just being impatient.
Originally Posted By: pinn
I don't think that I am thinking about changing course based on emotions here. I think I do a fairly good job of removing emotions the best I can, but that's also why I come here before making moves :-). I do think that NC was my best shot, especially during the first 2-3 months after she left. But when does that not become the best shot anymore? Know what I mean? 4,5,6 months? Eternity? I feel like we are in stalemate here (mind reading I know, she might just not be thinking about me at all). In the book, it suggests trying something and waiting for a response. OK... so the no contact has been going for a while with no response. Is it time for a change of pace?
OK. So let's play this forward. What contact do you propose making?
What most of the other sources say, "one-way texts", things that maintain a no pressure connection. What happens when you go no contact and your spouse never contacts you in any form for 6 months? Do you really think they are just going to wake up and start texting you? They have forgotten about you. I did, in two different relationships! Just seems like the rebuilding connection approach gives them a chance to see you improving, interested but not chasing, validating them, making you the safe harbor and rebuilding trust, reminding them of your good points and the attraction and love that was once there.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thanks guys. It is much better for me to bounce ideas around then to just act.
Azzork,
Yes I agree I am a bit impatient. But when it would not be impatient anymore?
The contact would be simple. Just a text message saying, "hey how's it going". That's it. The response would be binary. She ignores it (which is not unlikely) in which case that wouldn't really bother me. Been there, done that... fine. Then I go back to status quo. But I would be concerned in undoing any 'progress' I made. Or she responds in which case I would keep things short and sweet... no relationship talk, no questions, no date suggestions, certainly no I love yous.
Flight, I agree with what you are saying. Problem here is having been through this before with her, she actually has gone a long time without contacting me and then she does. In this case there has to be contact at some point so it is a little different. Before we actually could have never talked again.
