Wife wants to separate at end of school year

[mutatio]

Your last post sounds a little like my situation. My wife is a "avoider". If you couple that with my actions you end up $hit creek without a paddle. Be well.

[Bhuda1]

I am having difficulties with my goals. My only goal I can think of is saving my marriage. I am working on bettering myself. Become the man I used to be when my wife and I first started dating. A complete 180 to what I have become.

Life in the household is awkward. My wife and I talk. My boys have no idea what's going on. We are cordial. We have not discussed our marriage since the bombshell was stroppier on me. I am hoping she opens the line of discussion regarding our sitch.

I am having a hard time avoiding physical contact with my wife. It is reassuring seeing her advance towards looking for the habitual kiss good bye. I keep my distance and although I want to kiss her goodbye or goodnight, I have been successful at keeping my distance. I am keeping upbeat Lon the outside but really struggling inside

[Sotto]

"I am working on bettering myself. Become the man I used to be when my wife and I first started dating. A complete 180 to what I have become."

This is where the goals lie my friend. Can you break down what you are doing/want to do into some goals? Health, learning, finances, emotions, resilience, social, work, independence, kids, self-care etc??

[Bhuda1]

I am working on losing weight. My goal is minus ten pounds by Christmas. Credit card debt is almost wiped out. Made arrangements to combine al credit card debt into one monthly payment. Aggressively paying that debt off. Watching my spending but not denying myself everything.
I am more focused on work. Being self employed I am able to work as hard or as little as I choose. I choose to spend more time at work but not losing out on time with the boys.
In the past I would alter my schedule for dentist and doctor appointments. Now I am not so available to change my schedule when it suits her needs.

[Bhuda1]

I am at a crossroad with my relationship. I would appreciate any advice. I am confused about the 37 rules and my situation based on what I just read in the Divorce Remedy Book.
As mentioned previously in this thread, I was guilty of doing all the wrong actions to try to save my marriage., Begging, pursuing, Say I Love you just to hear her say it back, buying gifts, trips. You name it I did it. I have changed my approach to the exact opposite, no physical contact, no kisses goodnight or good bye. Getting a life that does not revolve around my wife. In short, not "Doing more of the same"

I am confused by what I just read in the book. We are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. I am trying to change back to the way I was when we first fell in love. Baby steps.

I have not mentioned anything about our marriage since the bomb was dropped on me. I stick to small talk but the book suggest I compliment my wife on little things, showing appreciation for the little things she does for the household and the children. My wife just has her hair done and I mentioned it looked nice. Should I have done this because I would always compliment her on how nice she looked when going out or when she bought a new outfit. In fact am I doing more of the same when I comment positively on her appearance?

I am not sure if I should ask for a date night such as a dinner and a movie. I figure if I start from the beginning of building the friendship, showing her that I can be the man I was, not the insecure, grovelling crying wimp I had become, this will be a step in the right direction to strengthen our marriage.. However, the rule about going dark has me questioning what to do next.

[vise82]

Hey ,

You cant ask her out that's perusing, unless it a situation where you are going out and you ask her if she wants to go and if she doesn't want to you go anyway.

But in general you do not pursue.

[Bhuda1]

Thank you. In the back of my mind I knew that. We haven't discussed anything further since she stated she wanted to separate at the end of the school year. Never had the word divorce come up but I know it's on her mind.

I know I can't bring up a discussion about our marriage. I do feel less tension when we are together. We discuss our boys achievements in school and hockey. We are very cordial towards one another.

One of the reasons we are having problems now is due to her keeping feelings bottled up, never expressing her true thoughts when I have done or said something that made her annoyed or frustrated with me. She is strong willed and somewhat stubborn and I'm concerned that I may never know if what I'm doing to save our marriage is working.

She said once that if she swept the problem under the rug things would eventually work out. Obviously when I felt something was wrong t would ask. Unfortunately all our in d path discussions about our relationship were only focused on our problems never about intimacy or anything else about the positives about our marriage

[Cristy]

Hello Bhuda,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You mentioned that you are at a crossroads and are confused about the 37 rules and what you have read in DR in regards to what you are going through. It is easy to be confused when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Everything isn't one size fits all.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[sandi2]

I would appreciate any advice. I am confused about the 37 rules and my situation based on what I just read in the Divorce Remedy Book.

Can you be more specific?

[Bhuda1]

To be more specific. Suggestions such as going dark in the 37 rules but I read about complimenting her on little things. Seems to be a conflict to me.

Knowing that she wants to separate after the school year, sometimes I feel that I should say Why Wait? Should I tell her If she wants to separate, leave now! If her only reason to wait is for the kids sake, why prolong the inevitable?

I want so much to stay with her but I can't sit back and pretend nothing is wrong. As mentioned earlier, my boys have no idea. The family spent the weekend at our boys hockey tournament. It was cordial but I hate the feeling of deception towards my children. I don't know how much longer I can sit back and wait to see if she will follow through on her threat.

I also think, If she wants to separate, there is no way I will be the one to move out. Inside, I am getting angrier as each day passes.