Sandi, I read your post in my old thread. My wife was definitely guilty of some of those things you mention, not all though. For future relationships (either with her or not), how do I deal with signs of disrespect? For example, my wife is an eye roller. Drove me crazy. Not just to me, it's what she does. I've seen her do it with her family. So she had developed that behavior before me. I told her repeatedly not to do it. But it was/is wired in her brain. We all have behaviors that are wired in our brain and it is very difficult to stop unless we become conscious of them. How should I have handled that situation?
It is a matter of addressing it as soon as it starts in a relationship. And, if you have repeatedly told her to stop and she doesn't even try, then she obviously doesn't care how it makes you feels.
Eye rolling can indicate so many negative things for the person on the receiving end. It can become a terrible habit, which is no excuse. Unless she has been on the receiving end for a long time......she may not know how it feels. Of course, some wives just don't care how it makes the H feel. Rest assured, it is usually a sign of contempt, when you see a W rolling her eyes at the H.
I think men, especially the nice-guy types, tend to let it slide without calling the wife out, in the early years of M. He may fear she'll accuse him of pettiness, or mock him in some way.......and so he tries to ignore it. Ignoring it is the mistake. The sooner he stops it in the M, the better.
If the W is too far down the road in years of showing outward disrespect, you may feel almost petty to draw attention to the eye rolling now. If the couple is not able to calmly and lovingly discuss this issue, then the H needs to be ready with a boundary and consequence. If talking does no good, then what will do some good? (I remember Coach writing an example of setting a boundary when the W gets mad and bangs the pots & pans and slams cabinet doors).
Once the W is wayward, eye rolling may seem lower on the totem pole of offenses. That is something you have to decide. However, if the MR is to ever be what you want, this should be an area the W is willing to cooperate with you when piecing the M back together.
Here is the bottom line. It is showing disrespect. The more disrespect you allow, the more she will display. If she does not cease with disrespectful actions, then you have to decide if you want to live your life with a woman who continues to treat you this way.
I don't know if this answers your question or not.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
