Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[dwh15]

Met my cousin tonight for dinner tonight and had a really good time. She's only a year older than me and we grew up as practically brother and sister since we spent so much time together, so it's always great seeing her. She also went through a D around 7 years ago from a cheating husband, so she totally gets what I'm going through. Talked for 3 hours and the time just flew by. Barely thought about WW or my D the entire night, other than the few minutes I spent filling her in on the latest. Came home in a good mood, spent a few minutes with the kids, and off to bed.

Feel like I'm back on track, after a couple of days of being on a major down. Hopefully the upswing lasts a lot longer this time.

[dwh15]

WW had the kids tonight and I was out tending bar at my local charity. WW texts me around 7pm saying her power is out and wanting to know if I lost mine too. Told her I wasn't home so not sure but S16 was home alone and asked if she could call to check on him. She couldn't get through on the phone and neither could I so WW took all the other kids back to my place with her, and turns out we did have power. Someone had left a phone off the hook, making it impossible for a call to get through.

So she updated me that all the kids were fine, then made everyone dinner at my place, since she wasn't able to cook at her own. She hung out for about an hour, then headed back to her own place, presumably to get back to OM as fast as possible, who was sitting alone in a house with no power. Not sure what the rush of going back to a dark house was and leaving her kids alone, but I don't try to figure out WW's decisions anymore.

When I got home, I saw that she had cleaned the kitchen and even made school lunches for the next day. Probably the first time in 3 or 4 months she's helped out with something like that. So I did appreciate it, and almost sent her a TM thanking her for the help, but then I figured: it's no emergency. I do the same things almost every day and never get a Thank You from WW. It's her own kids - she SHOULD be doing that sort of stuff. So I didn't bother contacting her and never heard anything else all night. I'll probably throw her a quick Thanks for cleaning the kitchen the next time she asks about the kids, just to acknowledge that I noticed.

So overall a pretty good night, other than some minor drama at the club while bartending, but that was just a snarky patron and had nothing to do with WW. I'm feeling mostly detached but still sad at times. Once in a while, I want to reach out and try to be friends with WW, but I realize I'm still not there, and being in regular contact with her would just hurt my own progress. Plus, I start thinking about what she's done and then don't think she really deserves my friendship. I've never had a friend, or anyone for that matter, hurt me as bad as WW - I certainly wouldn't choose to be friends with anyone else who had nuked my life the way she has done. So I continue on with bare min contact for now, and try to keep focusing on my own life, and what's best for me and my kids. Things are getting better a little at a time.

[Irish M]

Dwh15
Just read your sitch.. Hang in there buddy, you are doing great.
I too have days I roll back especially when seeing W's family.

Your kids are going to remember all the strength you have and the stability you are giving to them.

Our W's have it bad. I would not trade shoes with the ever. If and when they crash or leave the fog the amount of regret will be tremendous.

When I see my W at mediation, I see she is not well. Still can't look at me in the eyes. I agreed to seperation with possible divorce next year. I flipped it after all the damage she has caused. I will not be married to her and put my kids through this again. If she wakes up, I will take her back but under my conditions.


Keep loving those kids. You're the rock

Irish

[dwh15]

Thanks Irish. It's been a few days since my last post, but not much new to report. Took the kids to a Halloween party Saturday night with a bunch of my family. Did hay rides, costumes, the whole works. Kids loved it and I got to catch up with some aunts, uncles, and cousins I had not seen in a while. Yesterday, the kids were with WW, as she and OM hosted their own Halloween party with the neighbors. I don't know much about it, but kids came home happy and said they had fun. I've gotten to the point I don't press for too many details when they come back from mom's place. Just high level of how they spent their time, make sure they were fed, and had fun.

Detaching has become easier, I think in large part because WW seems to have lost interest in communicating. I have not initiated in months, and the past 3 weeks or so has been text only from WW, always asking about kids. I send brief replies, and that's it. Have not spoken on phone or seen her in person in quite a while. Getting through the days better, with just occasional setbacks when I get triggered by something. Was cleaning house yesterday and came across some old photo albums, which of course sent me reeling for a few minutes. But I bounced out pretty quickly and went about my day.

I still bounce around between wanting to be done with WW forever and wishing we could work it out, but the more detached I become, the more I am leaning towards wanting her out of my life. At this point, she seems to be happily floating along in her fantasy, still oblivious to the pain she continues to cause me and her kids. When I add that to the years of lies and betrayal, and the mental images of her with OM, I'm not sure that I could ever overcome it all and be truly happy. I would have to see a catastrophic change in WW to even consider wanting her again, and I don't think that will ever happen, short of some major event causing her to totally bottom out and seek therapy, plus come to me begging for forgiveness. The odds of that are so improbable that I am assuming it will never happen.

I've started talking with a divorced mother of 4 kids, and we are hitting it off pretty well. Haven't went on a date or anything, and we're both in the mind set of just looking for a friend right now, but she seems really nice, and it helps to have someone to talk with, who has been through D. No idea if that will lead to something more down the road, but I'm in no rush and have been very clear about my intentions. Hoping we can just be friends for a few months, then see how we feel. I'm miles from wanting to be in a serious R with anyone right now, even WW.

[ep0215]

I would have to see a catastrophic change in WW to even consider wanting her again, and I don't think that will ever happen, short of some major event causing her to totally bottom out and seek therapy, plus come to me begging for forgiveness. The odds of that are so improbable that I am assuming it will never happen.

I hear what you are saying here, dwh. I am still DB'ing in hopes that his fog will go away but I have also accepted that it may never happen.I am happy to hear you had a great weekend with your kids. It always feels good to clean and declutter the house.

[dwh15]

Thanks ep. It's admirable that everyone on this board is working to save their M, but unfortunately, the sad reality is that few will succeed. Of the ones who try to reconcile, a good portion of those will still go on to eventually fail. I think that by the time people come seeking the kind of advice found here, in most cases, it is far too late and too much damage has been done.

But there are a few success stories, and I think everyone benefits from the DB techniques, in that they improve themselves. We also learn so much about relationships that it hopefully helps us to never repeat the same mistakes and end up back here again in a few years. This is an experience that I certainly do not wish to repeat.

[ATPeace]

This ^^^^ and the fact that we are all here for each other

[MrBond]

"It's admirable that everyone on this board is working to save their M, but unfortunately, the sad reality is that few will succeed. Of the ones who try to reconcile, a good portion of those will still go on to eventually fail."

So if this is what you believe, why are you here?

You can either take the perspective that your M is going to be one of those that fails or one of the ones that succeeds.

[dwh15]

"It's admirable that everyone on this board is working to save their M, but unfortunately, the sad reality is that few will succeed. Of the ones who try to reconcile, a good portion of those will still go on to eventually fail."

So if this is what you believe, why are you here?

You can either take the perspective that your M is going to be one of those that fails or one of the ones that succeeds.

I'm 99% convinced my M is over. Does that mean I'm not allowed to participate? Didn't realize that was a requirement for being on DB forums.

[MrBond]

Was it mentioned that you're not allowed to participate? Of course not.

I was just wondering that since you have a negative view on how M's turn out here, why are you on a M saving website? I can tell you that even after a D, people have come back on here to say that they've reconciled.

That's up to you.