Not a day goes by that I am not surprised by someone's experience or life.
I was in a situation similar to yours especially regarding the phone. My W and even I (in my wayward ways) held onto our phone when we were doing something wrong with it.
She used to even take it with her to crap. She went from being a zero tech wise to an expert with the functions.
After I called her out and showed her I knew she was at least in an EA (I knew before soemthing was up but she just said they were friends) the phone began to be left lying around.
I had access to it if I wanted. Sometimes I admit I would peek when i heard the ping of an incoming message or data but it was ordinary facebook stuff or from her gym female friends.
What raised an eyebrow for me was how it seemed your R was back on track with words of love and intimacy. At best we are like friends, sometimes when I leave for a trip ill get a peck on the lips but no ILY and much less warm LM. I always thought that when a W starts to say those things and even re initiates sex then things should be better.
I remember reading about respect from Sandi and how when a W stops having intimacy it is a bad sign there is someone else. When she re initiates in that way it should mean you have gained her respect and love. If what you say is true then apparently not. Now I AM puzzled.
What does seem strange however is that he would call instead of a normal tm for her to respond to and then maybe call. To call out of the blue is a big risk unless she was with you when maybe she was supposed to be somewhere else and forgot he was going to call.
Another thing that puzzles me is that we live in the world of whatsapp. With how easy it is to delete a conversation and with messages via this method untraceable as opposed to sms where each one is logged on a phone bill, how do people find out their S is actually texting with an OP and even for how long?.
Carelesness? Ignorance? or is it that everytime their phone goes off we presume it is OP? Or are there CIA tactics every S knows to hack the phone and see who their S tm?
Another point... work related issues can wait unless they have critical jobs, in which case she should have picked it up and acted professionally. He should have had more tact knowing your situation. Generally, when someone does not answer a phone without knowing who it is is a suspicious act. Especially if infront of their S.
Finally, when things started to get better did you not do a random check to see if it was really over? I know snooping etc is a no no but I think we all have done it, especially when things seem to get better just to make sure. I presume that after the call you did the snooping and found all this out?
I know many here will say so what and detach and GAL but if what you say is true then to me it is a deal breaker. There should come a time to draw a line count your losses and move on.
I believe that if you love your W and want to give it a go but need to tango by yourself then fine. The problem is that if after 2 years you are in this situation how long will reconciliation No. 2 be?. I see that each attempt takes longer. Are you willing to put blind faith for another 2 years?
Reading your post it seems you never clamped down on her contact with OM. To me, and this is my opinion, it is where I draw the line. We can look at getting this to work but the contact must be zero. period. It is not controlling, it is my boundary. I will not let her hurt me again nor in until this is solved.
I think your mistake was allowing the OM to be swept under. I remember my W telling me the same day I caught her that she missed talking to him. I told her that she should miss talking to me and to not have any contact with him again.
I backed this up by confronting him and warning him that if he ever came within 5 meters of her I would break his legs. I also told her. Call it stupidity or macho behaviour. To me it was about respect and not allowing someone who knew me to crap on my doorstep to just turn a blind eye. We used to go to the same gym (I left long ago) and he knows me. To me it was something you do not do. I draw my on line on this subject. Do not get involved with the S of people you know and least of all friends. If they are officially over then it is debatable but if not then it is taboo.
Whatever you do L I think you have to tackle the OM thing first. If not then it just leaves the door open to a backslide from her. While he is around your trust will be nill and her temptation high.
Fianlly I also think it is a big lack of respect from her to continue seeing this guy even if they are not sleeping around and one thing I learnt from Sandi is that to a woman respect is a big deal.
Hope to have made sense but listen to good advice from the real pros.
