Hello everyone, it has been a long day, a good day. I think I may have found an avenue to the promised land. Let me describe my observations and have you the jury decide.
Two weeks ago I was rearranging the garage so that my wife can park her car inside for the winter. When I was done clearing the floor space I noticed that my 25 sheets of corrugated steel were close by and when she would enter/exit her car she could bang her head. Relocating the materials in the garage took a half a day because the size and weight of each of the 25 pieces. When I was done I had her pull her car in and apologized that it took an extra day but I didn't want her to hit her head. Her response was not what I expected, she said nicely "Aah, you didn't want me to get hurt", she smiled and said thank you.
My wifes car has been flashing a servicing message since last week. She was supposed to call this week but she is very busy at work. This morning I called the dealership and asked if I brought it over could they fix it now. So I drove over and had them fix it. On the way home I filled up her car. I got home before she woke up. Later that morning I told her what I had done. She looked me in the eye and thanked me.
This afternoon she asked me about my IC insurance paper work. My wife has always paid the bills. I told her that I was taking care of it. She was happy and said thank you. She was slightly more talkative to me today around the kids.
I am getting positive responses from her through these acts of service. I will step up and take care of things when I can. I am aware that this may not change the final outcome of my marriage but I am also aware that these acts make the household atmosphere better. These positive moments could having an affect on the outcome.
So what do you think? I plan to make it one of my goals. I'll expand on that thought tomorrow and answer your questions. I tired, good night.
be very careful. I do not think you have the right approach. You running around like a little Santa's helper is sure to backfire. Do not mistake her words of kindness with the return of the feelings of love.
I do wish you all the best and I hope I am wrong in my assumptions. I will be the first one to congratulate you if I'm wrong.
It's all about balance. Too many acts and it'll become the norm so will become expected, too few and they won't be noticed as they will be seen as random.
Do the things you want to do, not because you think she'll respond.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Good morning. Avanti's suggestion is the way I was planning to handle. I will do every thing I would do if I was alone, except pay the bills. Two people can't pay the bills, she has always done it and she never complains about it.
Doing almost everything for my self is not risking anything. If she dumps me it does not hurt at all. I will continue to help her out as I see fit. She will not ask. When I see an opportunity I will decide. I will not be her errand boy.
Now answers to your questions.
The silent treatment started hard core earlier this year, not before .
I think she expects I will love her and continue to wait for her. That is what I said in the beginning.
She does respect my space and privacy. She respects my boundaries also.
The only thing I will change is me. My approach, my perspective. I want to be improve my short comings. I need to become assertive in a kind and compassionate way. I want to be a leader not a dictator.
My goals for October, I know its only a week, I can tune them up for November. 1-Be assertive 2-Start to exercise 3-Eat less at dinner 4-Perform one act of random kindness each day 5-Help wife when she needs it, not when she wants it
There you have it, my strategy and goals moving forward. I love you kind people and grown to depend on your wisdom and support. Thank you again for your support. If you have any thoughts or suggestions I'd like to hear them.
Mutatio, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice. Keep it loving, and don't overdo it! I did, and it backfired. So 1 act a day is probably a great goal.
Wishing the best for you!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Mutatio, great update. My H is also an "acts of service" guy and I just set as my goal to give him 15 minutes a day of "service." I do a lot for him, but I think its become expected and overlooked, so I am going to tackle small projects throughout the week and see if that helps. I also want to caution you to not become her servant, that isn't attractive either, but as a woman I can say that it feels so good when my H "takes care of me" especially with safety issues and car service. Maybe you should record your actions and her responses and observe your progress, like an experiment. Keep your expectations low and just see what happens.
If it seems to be working than nothing wrong with keeping it up in a balanced way and seeing what happens. DB is all about doing what works, its just not always easy to see if that's the case.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
