hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

Hey there,

just heard a cool little song that I haven't payed attention to before by tom petty (not a big fan, but the song struck a chord) "Time to Move on". I couldn't hear all of the words, but the message that I got was - it's time to get going.

I don't know where I am going, but I know I have to head somewhere and not remain in my own personal stagnant safety bubble.

STBXW moved out this week. well, I should say she stopped eating and sleeping here. The house is still filled with her stuff, and she takes a couple things with each stop-over. I don't know exactly how long this process will take. But I have started taking back the house and cleaning/reorganizing it. (I told her that I was going to be gone all afternoon in case she didn't want me to be here when she grabs her stuff, she stopped by, but it looks like she didn't take anything again).

I spent a good part of last week completely stressing over my fins. In my own discovery process, I found that I was still at least a month behind on about every bill. I have caught up every monthly bill to current and November should be my first normal month so I can actually test my budget spreadsheet that I created to track all my fins. (sound pretty nerdy talking about spreadsheets and such, but I am not used to handling this and my personality forces me to want to know every detail).

Had a nice fall break, took D15 & S18 on a long hike at a state park the other day - great serine & thoughtful time for me (very quiet except for us singing at the top of our lungs with no-one around to hear us). I don't know if they thought it was as an awesome of a day as I did, or if they were just appeasing me, but either way, I needed it and I accepted it from them. Nice cool air and great color and really great to be with them.

I went to visit S21 at his new apartment tonight. He/we made dinner there. I am very proud of how he is growing up and moving forward. He got a real job and is paying his own bills - just like an adult. We talked very little about my situation. I was able to slip him a little money so he can get something nice for his new abode (made me feel good and he was surprised).

I had the longest text conv. with W than I have had in weeks this morning. It started with a discussion of stuff from the house and I told her to take what she wants or needs and leave me the rest. I did tell her to leave me the Picasso (she sent me a teary smiley face back). Got into some specifics about Christmas ornaments and fondue pots..... (told her that she should take it all)

---She then sent: She's sorry and never intended for this to be us. and although it was her actions that caused this ... I deserve better.

---I said that I know this is hard for both of us and that she did not need to say any of that. and that I am sorry it came to this too.

---She wished she could have expressed what she needed.

---I said I was sorry that I didn't provide it.

---She finished by saying that what she needs now, not for the last 20 years. I am a great man and excellent father. and she didn't give me a chance.

I was a little stunned by this and didn't respond. So she moved back on to logistical items. She mentioned that S21 wants us over to his apartment for dinner, and I told her that I think we would all have a better time if we did this separately. She said okay.

I feel like I am bullying her by saying things like this, but it is how I feel. She still has a way of making me feel guilty. She admits that the problem is her decision, but I still feel like I want to accommodate her. I would like that to stop.

I am going to see her tomorrow at MIL's birthday brunch. MIL & FIL asked if I would come - they said they were inviting W too - I said of course you are, but you do not have to invite me. They insisted that I come.

I am on a bit of an emotional ride again (or still). Mostly I am ok, but every now and again, something hits me and I start to well up or just get sad. I get over it quickly, but it still happens more than I'd like to admit. I feel like this two year roller coaster ride is nearly over and I just want to run to the nearest trash can and throw up.

On another note, my IC asked me what my plans for my future were. I could tell her some about work and the kids, but didn't have an answer for where I see myself with relationships. I don't know. She asked how I would meet someone - I didn't know. She asked what I would like to find (speaking about women). I said that I hadn't thought much about it, but really, all I could think of was the woman that I married.

PEACE