I read through all of your threads to catch up on the parts that I missed and had a few questions. Has the silent treatment been a recent thing since she moved to the other room 2 months ago or did it start 10 months ago, or 7 years ago? I know she was emotionally backing off for much of this time.
~2 months ago you said you were constantly begging and pleading with her. How did this relate to the silent treatment. Did it start before, right after you begged, did you beg due to it, etc.
How often are you saying things to her with no reply. Are you saying hi, good morning, goodnight every change you can even when she rarely replies? When she does talk to you or chat what happened how were you interacting with her before that. Did you engage or did she.
What do you think she expects you to do right now. Put yourself in her shoes for a second and think about this, what would she expect you to do if she began to have a conversation with you. What would she expect you to do if she continued to ignore you. How does her expectations of you compare to what you have been doing so far.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hi Mutatio, I think that convo with your W above was telling. To me her reaction to you was one of someone who had to respond out of politeness (because your D's were around) but would rather not have to interact with you at all.
I would echo what other posters have said about the in-house S and whether this is working for you guys? Perhaps it is time for you to think about options for yourself. I'm not saying there isn't any hope - who knows how things may progress - but I think perhaps a change to the new status quo may be needed...
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
There are ways of interacting that don't involve speech. By body language and affirmation, nodding, listening, kind smiles.
A couple of techniques strike me, to soften your stance and feel at ease you could try projecting love and care from your central core. I call it rainbow strength, it gives the other a warm sensation and softens your body language. The half smile technique for strength for you could help too.
As you are detaching and observing more, then I think in house S is becoming easier (note I am not saying easy), in your sitch then I think I would continue with it until I (Mutatio) am ready to move on. Clearly your WW is resentful but that may ease over time. There is a little of early NH sitch echoing for me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
As hard as it to accept, surely her attitude is born from the WW position, Resentment, Disrespect, and Rebellion (Sandi2).
All 3 are seen in her cold distancing, W doesnt want you near her.
Sorry if this sounds cold but I am facing a similar sitch with in house separation.
This morning my W has been cold and usually this means she is leading up to an R discussion and she will reiterate we need to separate. She cant force me to go, but she wants me to go, Resentment builds and builds, she rebels by doing all activities separate from me. I hadn't had much outward disrespect. No shouting, bullying, spewing, controlling but it is there. Disrespect because I wont leave.
No amount of rainbow love will change her stance. She resents your presence.
In my sitch I am thinking of granting her wish and separating. Financially it will be very difficult and I will set ground rules and boundaries before doing so, but I wont be able to say 'lets do a x month trial separation. The separation will have to be openended.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi everyone, thanks for the advice and support. So many questions to answer. The problems surfaced in January. She moved into the den mid summer. The silent treatment got worse from then till now.
When the silent treatment started I begged and pleaded, her response then was I am going to IC and working on myself. I say good morning each workday when she comes upstairs and she says hi over half the time. I gave up on good night. When I come how at 9 pm from my class(GAL) my IC said to say hi, but don't pursue. I haven't tried this yet and am reluctant to try. When she choses to chat about household things it is to the point, brief and see never looks me in the eye. She will start household conversations out of the blue and discuss them as much as she wants to. When I bring things up she is brief.
I think she expects that I respect her desire to be left alone. She said when she is in the den(her room now) she would like to be alone. She desires this and I have respected her wishes. I leave her alone. I try to engage her or include myself in dinner table conversations with the kids. She is brief and never looks at me. Other then that I leave her alone and give her what she wants.
I will not move out. I am willing to change my interactions with my wife but I will not move out. I cannot afford to move out, she can. I want to live with my son in our home till he goes to college in 3 years. I am willing to behave accordingly to make this work. There is no fighting, no overt tension, just no warmth between us from the kids perspective.
I do not go to her any more to discuss "us" anymore. I come here. I understand my situation appears bleak. I will try V's rainbow strength. What is "NH sitch"?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
ok. The silent treatment mostly this year then, correct? Was it a factor the last 7 years also.
When I asked what she expects from you I mean more what it is she thinks you want to do and not what she wants you to do. She has asked for space and you have to give that to her, no way around that. We might not like it but we have to respect its their right to live any way they please. They are the only ones in control of their lives and we only have a say when it becomes a boundary issue into our own.
I think its obvious now from you pursuing in the past she expects you to beg and plead if she lets you in closer. That has to change and it could take a long time. It could be something else but lets just go with that for now. Shes mentioned while in that room she would like to be left alone, so that tells me the interactions you are having or while shes in other rooms could be she feels smothered. Remember, its not about how you see the situation its how she does. Continue to respect her need for space and consider how your interactions now could be going against that.
As said above communication can be in many ways not just by talking so don't feel like this may go on forever. She has things to work out for herself and there could just be huge delay of when what your doing that works shows a positive effect.
I think its ok to say some of the things you have but I wouldn't do it every single time. I wonder if she sees it as you pursuing her and wanting her to open up(which she might feel allows you the opportunity to beg and plead). You said in the past that's what happened so that might be what she expects. This is the expectation she might have about you that you have to challenge, but you have to wait and give it time to work.
You said when you initiate she backs off but when she does she can be chatty. Don't expect her to respond to you and let her initiate. When she does don't act super happy or it might scare her away more. Just calm and collected.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Mutatio, you know I am in the same situation. In the last month or so my H has been initiating conversations a little bit. Not every day, and there is no warmth or seeming genuineness to it, but still it is there.
I can't say for sure, and I definitely can't say this would apply in your sitch, but I think for us the turning point was in the beginning of September we had a discussion where he told me that I had been so unwelcoming to his visiting parents that they cut there trip early and left without saying goodbye. I had done nothing wrong. When he told me this, I told him - and I was not bluffing- that this was as good as I could be with his parents, that I had done nothing wrong, and that his anger and his attitude towards me were at the point that I thought he should consider moving out. It was a calm (ok, calmer than usual) "I am willing to let you go rather than take this treatment anymore." From that point on, I noticed he has been "trying" - not well, not with warmth, almost like he is reciting a script that I am pretty sure he worked out with his IC. Things like "How was your day? What else did you do? " and most recently he asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him in 3 weeks from now (WTF?????) There are still some days where all I get is a "hello" and "good night", but while he was on his most recent trip (10 days) he texted me daily and even called me most days. I think he is thawing. Today is the first day that I can honestly say some of his interactions seemed natural and not "scripted" or forced. (although still not warm.)
So. Again, might have nothing to do with you. And I might be reading my own situation incorrectly, but I think the thought that I was willing to let him go made a difference to him. I also brought it up again in MC in the context of he is adding stress to the whole family with his angry and withdrawn attitude. And again, for all I know he could slap me with D papers on Monday, he still isn't having conversations with me so I don't really know what is going on with him. But it seems like the ice is melting slightly. I wanted to just share my sitch with you in the event it can give you some hope or something to think about.
In the meantime I have been perfecting the art of not reacting and validation, and asking him open-ended questions about his work. I *think* it is working. But its a very slow process and I am trying not to get too hopeful.
Hi everyone, thanks for the advice and support. So many questions to answer. The problems surfaced in January. She moved into the den mid summer. The silent treatment got worse from then till now.
Silent treatment is passive aggressive as a response. It also shows she would rather have peace around the kids.
When the silent treatment started I begged and pleaded, her response then was I am going to IC and working on myself.
Good, is she still in IC.
I say good morning each workday when she comes upstairs and she says hi over half the time. I gave up on good night. When I come how at 9 pm from my class(GAL) my IC said to say hi, but don't pursue. I haven't tried this yet and am reluctant to try.
I think you should, warm friendly neighbour. If you would say this to the old dear next door. Then say it to W.
When she choses to chat about household things it is to the point, brief and see never looks me in the eye. She will start household conversations out of the blue and discuss them as much as she wants to. When I bring things up she is brief.
Validate, open questions then make your exit.
I think she expects that I respect her desire to be left alone. She said when she is in the den(her room now) she would like to be alone. She desires this and I have respected her wishes. I leave her alone.
Good. If you wanted her to move out invade her space and privacy. In return does she respect yours?
I try to engage her or include myself in dinner table conversations with the kids.
Act as if she isn't rude. It makes life more pleasant. Normalise, chat to the kids.
She is brief and never looks at me.
Definitely passive aggressive, I would say. Might be some shame in there too. Let it be.
Other then that I leave her alone and give her what she wants.
I trust she respects your boundaries too.
I will not move out. I am willing to change my interactions with my wife but I will not move out.
Good, there is no reason why you should. In fact you kept the MB.
I cannot afford to move out, she can. I want to live with my son in our home till he goes to college in 3 years. I am willing to behave accordingly to make this work. There is no fighting, no overt tension, just no warmth between us from the kids perspective.
What you are doing is working. Your goal is achieved. Tiny more warmth to make things bearable. Wait it out.
I do not go to her any more to discuss "us" anymore. I come here.
I think you have achieved the best result you can. Now you have space and time to work on you. Knock yourself out.
I understand my situation appears bleak.
Actually I don't agree. Your sitch for the moment is neighbours, especially on your part. You are detaching which will make reacting and management easier. You are both civil and now you behave diplomatically.
I will try V's rainbow strength.
OK, let me explain, if you project love when the other wants a difference experience, then it's your idea of love, it will feel invasive. If you project soft rainbow strength, good wishes and the best for the other, then you are projecting what they want rather than what you want to give.
This means you are saying I wish the best for you, the things you need even if that's not what I would wish. It's rainbow strength. It feels good and positive for both, the recipient and the sender. First we ground ourselves to the earth, then from inside ourselves we find our sense of calm and then from that place, we say I wish you well and all you desire and the strength to have that in your life.
You can project rainbow love to those who would like to receive it.
What is "NH sitch"?
Sorry, yes, NH115, a poster here.
Thoughts ? Advice?
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Hope my thoughts help
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/24/1511:08 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
