Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

[Vanilla]

I have some ideas of where my rage is coming from.

Great, let's examine it. Again you can say not now V. Too much.

I was in a very abusive relationship before husband. (Was my first relationship) BF at time started as charming smooth talker and became so controlling and irrational and jealous (would accuse me of sleeping with girls and having a crush on my brother). For some crazy reason I dealt with this abuse until I found out that he was serial cheating.

Was this your first betrayal? Does this go back further than this R? Usually we enter into Rs like this to rework an old wound. In general they present as we have something to learn. Until we identify what that is, the pattern repeats, perhaps in another guise. Until the lesson is learned.

My observation is that may stem from poor boundaries. Why do I say this? Those with healthy boundaries just say, "this is crazy making, I really don't want it."


I don't know why I needed that to leave.

You eventually had a spell break.

This relationship really messed with me.

You needed to heal and now that healing still needs to be done.

My husband was nothing like my ex but I felt mistreated by Husbands behaviors of neglect and stonewalling. His irrationality and lack of any logic when we were debating issues reminded me of how I felt with ex.

So you repeated the same dynamic in a different way? There is healing to do? If you move on into a new R with H or someone else without healing would the same dynamic recur? Maybe in a different way?

And again a part of me wants to find him cheating so I could move on. I am afraid that I am accepting abuse and mistreatment like I did the first time around and I become mad at him and myself.

I think discovering H had cheated would make life easy for you! It would let you off the hook for doing the repair work. Suppose you could choose to heal instead. To repair yourself, to have healthy boundaries too. Would that make a difference to you? In this R or a new R with H?

I also think if I look deeply into myself, my rage comes from no longer having control of him.

Maybe. I think it's fear, fear is at the root of this. As yet I don't think I know which fear it is. At the moment I am tending to think it's fear of being abandoned. Is there any validity in thinking it's fear rather than anger? If so when did the fear start? How old does it feel?

If not Where is the rage in your body, where does the anger start? What colour is the anger?

He used to love me and care about my feelings and he would try to compromise and work with me and now he does not.

Mind reading again. They are his feelings let them alone, deal with yours.

What you have noticed is a behaviour change, are you easy to work with? Do you make compromises? Is that why he stopped?

He felt too controlled by me.

Did he say that?


I think he views my relationship talks and questions about reconciliation as controlling.

So you think you know his views? Has he told you?

I think what your saying is why DB coach wants me to keep listing things he does that is positive. (I had stopped doing this) because I am going back and forth between thinking he is a husband like you or pyrite that just couldn't handle my issues and emotionally detached

Careful, that's a lot of judgement. Did you listen to a lot of judgement as a child. We're you subject to criticism? There is something deeper in this.

or that he is like most of the WAHs on this site

Really?

and I better protect myself

it is sensible to do that anyway.


before I get screwed out of custody.

but not for this reason, refrain it more positively, as to secure my future and that of my children.



V