Here's the start of a new thread, that I'd like to think will be the beginning of a new phase in my sitch - from thinking and reflecting to doing and making things happen.
In summary, my W BD'd me in late April 15 saying that ILYBNILWY and that she was leaving me (moved out in mid-May 15 after a big row) for her first love (who she went out with for 18 months and left him twice ) from when she was a teenager 28+ years ago and hasn't seen for 26+ years. He's has two failed marriages already and decided to destroy someone else's by contacting my W. through Facebook. No doubt with a "you were always the one for me, thirdr time lucky" tagline.
Our grownup S will not talk to (or see) my W because he sees her as having left the family many years ago to focus on her career (which she's now given up because it stressed her too much) and my grownup D (who has met with her once) is seeing my W as a messed up teenage friend rather than a mum; she's scared that her mum will simply disappear one day because she's decided to rebuild her life from scratch so in some ways is clinging onto her.
Both kids are in regular contact with me but I can tell that this is effecting them, my W said they'd recover and they will because they are strong individuals but they won't be the same.
My W and I haven't spoken for a couple of months now and barely communicate through email and text.
The legal process of the D is being pushed through by my W as she wants to buy an ocean going boat with the OM. The closest she'd been to one when we were together was sitting in a cafe at a marina and had never featured in our plans for the future.
I have some solid goals and plans for achieving what I want from life and am keeping up with ongoing GAL activities, although I have to say I do feel lonely even when amongst some really great people.
This forum gives me such amazing comfort and solace, if it wasn't for people like rd500, Vanilla, beckyb, mutatio, photoka, Rouky, Ancaire and all the others who have reached out to me, I'd be a huge mess - thanks guys.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Incredible story Avanti. Just about everyone here spends a good chunk of time in the "I can't believe this is happening" phase. Your story is right out of a tabloid.
Sounds like you're making the best out of a complete curveball, keep that up. Your W sounds like she's got a trip of her own to take, one that will inevitably lead to a painful wake up some day. Your kids need you strong, and you need you strong so keep those goals front and center in your mind and the driver of your actions.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Good start for a new thread Avanti. I have learned that being right is not worth it, but between you and me and probably the 10000 people reading this, I know I am right even when I don't voice it. And "right" for DB'ers is not the same thing as what is "right" in the minds of our friends and family.
I read one of the articles on the Al Turtle web site today that mentioned a couple where the W. had left her husband after 22 years saying she couldn't forget something that happened between them 20 years ago.
Sadly they went on to divorce as she found someone who made her 'feel beautiful and loved" but after 5 months after the D was finalsed, she ended her new relationship as it was as bad, if not worse than with her now XH and tried to reconcile with her XH but he said "you lied to me for 20 years, how can I ever trust that you aren't lying to me again".
This struck a significant chord with me, albeit rather uncomfortably, as my W has said that she can't forgive me for something that happened between us 20 or so year ago.
My goals and plans have been focussed on trying to build connection with her but this simple story has really made me think, do I really want her back or am I simply holding onto memories and have a desire for getting back to what I know? The kids have and are consistently saying I'm better off without her and deserve someone better, maybe they are right?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I think I've also strayed from Sandi2's rules. Is it correct to think that with a WW you need to be tough and play down the line, no attempts at connection, leave them to wither or thrive (and neither matters) and look after yourself and those close to you?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Hi Avanti. This is where it gets tricky , your feelings will change and one day you will want W back and the next you may not Time my friend holds all the akwars How you have come on is amazing and you should be proud. Doubts will always raise their heads and only you can deal with them.
Is you W lost and in a MLC or is she gone and done with you ? Your W may not even be able to answer this one but you certainly can't. All you can do is to decide ( when your ready ) how you feel about W
If you were to meet a new lady that showed you the love and caring that you deserve would you still want W ? Or is W the o e for you ? Any answer you give today may not be valid tomorrow or in 6 months.
Time is on your side and step back from your thinking about your feelings for now and just be.
Your W sounds like a classic MLC and trying to recapture her ( fantasy version. ) youth. Ocean going yacht !!!
When and if W decides to return to planet earth then you get to take control and you decide the outcome. Either way continue on your path young grasshopper and the way will become clear.
I guess what is hurting the most is that it'll be done on my money. My income has been 2-3, if not 4 times hers for a large number of years (plus an inheritance on my side) and so the 50-50 split the law seems to dictate, hurts as it's mainly me that made it and she'll squander it on some dream that isn't even hers.
Ah well, it is said by the wise that the best thing in life is to make your money then give it away, that's where I'll have to get my mindset to. Then go and make it all over again, only bigger so I'll have more to give to more deserving causes.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
