Re: She Wants Me to Leave....3rd Time in 4 Years 2

[isittoolate]

I truly believe that W does not have a EA/PA with OM and that my WW sitch is complex but in a different way to many of the sitchs on this Forum.
So many here have EA/PA, OM/OW or MLCers. Not many just have WAWs. All of the DB techniques apply to both WW and WAW and my W shows signs of WW , resentment and rebellion, but getting a WW to turn back to the marriage is taken to another level with EA/PA and trust issues.

I still implicitly trust my W.

The way I see my sitch, I am faced with doing one of the following:

Status Quo – work on being the best dad to my kids – try to GAL a little more – to be uber happy and uber confident in the presence of W. But at the same time face increasing hostility and resentment from W as our in-house separation continues. She can’t force me out, wants me out and resents my presence. We become more distant from each other, the atmosphere becomes toxic and more unpleasant with W cutting me out of her life and possibly head towards some OM.

Trial Separation - Propose a trial separation starting after Xmas – this defuses the resentment, allowing us to converse and engage ‘normally’ within the house. I continue to work on being the best dad for my kids – Gal etc. I get 10-12 weeks to work on it. W is ‘happy’ as she sees a wayout of the 'trap'. It will also focus her mind on the financial implications and the effect on our kids. Xmas becomes a lot more pleasant. During the same convo I also ask her to consider MC but it would be up to her and I would only accept it if I thought she was genuinely committed to the process.

Immediate trial separation starting before Xmas - this defuses the resentment even more, allowing us to converse and engage ‘normally’ within the house. I continue to work on being the best dad for my kids – Gal etc. I get 4-6 weeks to work on it. W is ‘happy’ as she sees an end to the 'trap'.It will focus her mind even more on the financial implications as I will not settle for a 2-bit apartment or flat and would demand a 3-bed house. I would need furnishing ,inc beds, tv , fridge, cooker etc etc – cost £2000. Rental plus bills would be £1000+ pcm. (we cannot afford this without major cuts to the household budget inc halting our kids University funds and no foreign holidays) Our kids would be acutely affected not just by the physical split but also the convoluted childcare arrangements – I work away at least one night a week – up to 4 nights per week. For instance next week 1 night, then, 0 nights, then 4 nights. When not away, I work from home. I would insist on getting ‘custody’ for 14/15 nights per month. The disruption for them would be immense.

S11 is in a high achieving school and gets lots and lots of homework. He has to get a train to school and back. At the moment when I am away, he has to get up at 6:30, W drives him to childminder at 7am she feeds him, then he walks to train station at 7:45.W would also lose her babysitter (Me) for some of the time although we have another she could hire (more costs) for her busy social life. Also professionally she would suffer a little as she might not be able to attend some meetings in London and elsewhere as she has no babysitter.
The boys also have a myriad of after school activities Tuesday – Friday. At the moment it is logistically taxing to fit everything in, across two homes a few miles apart would be a nightmare. She would undoubtedly recruit friends to help but just sorting out football kit, scouts uniform, cubs uniform, gym kit would be hard.

So what is in it for me?

I think my sitch is worse than last time (2012) W is colder, and more resentful. I have changed for the better but we are still in this sitch. She has been down this road before and believes M can not be saved BUT
It would give W space and time and no reason to resent me.
It would give me more time to GAL and look after myself
It allows us to step back, appreciate each other, and opens the possibility of us ‘dating’ i.e. a trip to the movies or even later on a meal out with no pressure.

There is a precedent from 2012. Last time I engineered a separation for 3 weeks but then forced my way back into our house albeit in the spare bedroom. W went ballistic but also said that she was happy (when separated) for the first time in a long time and had considered counselling.

It a gamble and one I will take if necessary. I just need to give it considerable thought. I would like to do it from a position of strength and look like I am making a bold decision as a MAN, one she will respect. I will also ask for her word that she will not pursue OM while we processed the separation and beyond. I would ask for ground rules to cover the separation for as long as it took - no fixed time.