Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

[Zues126]

I trust DB coaches. This forum is all about boundaries, going dark, not enabling cake eating, not allowing abuse or accepting less than we should, etc. All good stuff because we typically start in a position where we are allowing ourselves to be violated with the unhealthy attitude that we'd do anything to preserve our M. Clearly that isn't appropriate. We just don't want to go to the other extreme.

In your last post you mention narcissistic behavior, alcohol issues, possible affairs, etc. I think this is not a terrible man, but a man at the lowest point of his life. Sure you can look back at the M and find patterns of unappealing behavior. That's because he is human. But I haven't heard anything that makes me think this man is in the bottom 5% that makes him sociopathic, dangerous, or cancerous. It just seems like he's a man in a crisis. Footsteps in the sand, when he's going through his weakest points you have to carry him.

Now that doesn't mean save him, persuade him, change him, wake him up, threaten him, snap him out of it, seduce him, or anything like that. It means that when he's following his emotions and rewriting history, and deciding that you make him feel bad so you are bad...you have to be the strong one that doesn't do those same things. My motto has always been to act with the character you wish he had. You have to be strong enough to transcend your emotions and act with character and commitment even when he doesn't.

So if that doesn't mean pursuing, what does that mean? Well, if DB coach told you a letter taking ownership would help then I'd suggest it. Don't worry about how he'll take it. This is more about you. I did the same. My DB coach told me it was like my new "mission statement", and that going forward all of my behavior and as much of my thinking as possible should match that mission statement. If it's just a manipulation it is pointless. It won't change him, and most importantly it won't change you. DB is all about "it takes one to tango", changing the dynamic by changing yourself. Instead of asking if this letter will change him, ask if it will change yourself...is it what YOU believe is right for YOU to do. I think if DB coach says it is, then I'd recommend it.

There's a fine line between denying your emotions and being controlled by them. Yes, you are very hurt and angry. Acknowledge that. Understand where that hurt is coming from, and your role in that hurt. But then act according to your beliefs. Feelings follow behavior and thoughts, so don't let your thoughts and behavior follow your feelings.

To much mumbo jumbo, bottom line is don't worry about H's flaws right now. Even if your H was banging more women than ron jeremy you'd still have to work on yourself...so just do that, and have faith that you'll be in a better spot no matter what he does.