She Left, not as unsure (2)

[Fogg]

Just read through your threads havhope. Sorry you have to be here but I think your beginning to learn some things.

I am still on the fence about whether or not my W is a WAW or a WW, or a little bit of both. Or if it even matters!

It doesn't. If an A is ongoing than theres nothing you can do about it other than letting it die out. The WW mindset with disrespect could be in any type of sitch and has its own actions to take.

And yet as I say type these words, I feel the desire to reach out to her. To try to be her friend to support her and be kind to her. Shutting down these desires is extremely difficult, because I am TERRIFIED that not doing them is the wrong way to go about all of this.

That's a fear we all have and understandable. DB is often counter intuitive but that need to pursue mostly comes from our fear and that fear will push the WAS further away.

[quote=havhope]
Thank you. I need to see this. My behavior has been very immature. And I can tell it pushes her away each time./quote]

You reacting to her and your fear is showing you to be the same person you were before. You need to control yourself and not allow it to drive your actions. 'The Solo Partner' talks about that reactive mindset and other dysfunctional dynamics in a relationship.

Some of the things you mentioned shes said before are clear WAW actions and I don't see much disrespect but there could be manipulation going on. Its not that she doesn't have feelings for you(which might not help you right now hearing). Its about the dynamics of the M being bad for a long time(which you both contributed to) and her giving up hope things will ever be different. This is your hurdle to overcome and it will be one that requires great change within you. Those opportunities where she asks you why couldn't you be this, and why couldn't you be that. These can be opportunities to validate her concerns(not all comments need to be validated, so read up on it and understand it before you jump into it) and show you are a different person than the one in the old M. You need to challenge what she expects of you, in the right ways.

Our WAW's have two core beliefs that we need to get past. They know you intimately and they don't believe you will ever change. You can pretend to change and put on a show but they will know better. They have given up on the M so the path back is to change those two beliefs. It will cause conflict, it will cause you to be challenged, it will be difficult and a long process with no guarantees things will work out between the both of you. By doing the work you create a new version of you. That new version has the best chance of drawing the WAW back but also will be OK no matter what happens.

Had a question also. I noticed early in your posts you said you work long hours and have your D most of the week days, but also go to the gym every day. If you work 7am-8pm how are you able to spend time with the kids and workout also? I was in the Air Force for about 5 years and I notice our ages are similar. I assume since you still have the military medical you were medically separated? Age wise its much less common to find people lower in age. I just turned 30 myself and we are lower on the brackets of the people who find themselves here which I think is due to how early we started our R's.