If you do the internal work you will see the abuse. There is a websiteby Tonia Evans about recovering from abuse. I am doing her NARP program, a little alternative but she has lots of free stuff.
Healing is now my journey. It is as it is.
Once you have strong boundaries then abusers of all kinds will largely stay away from you because it's too much like hard work. Unrewarding.
I do stay away from diagnosis of the person, I just categorise the behaviour as abusive.
The issue isn't black or white thinking although the pattern is the same (what an excellent call), the reason being black and white is a maladjusted thinking state. We move from black to white and back again. WH a cycle of behaviour that doesn't slide (in other words once it's black, it's black) and this treatment of others is called idealisation and then devaluation (discard), I have hesitated to post about it as it is very rare and applies only to abuse sitches and then to only a few of them. If it applies to you Msd then I am saddened, it may as you say this is dynamic is occuring for your WH throughout. You might like to try googling devaluation cycle.
Photo to answer your question, providing it isn't obvious, the high maintainance subject of the grey rock pair (grey rock is our behaviour and response to them) or the breeze block (which is our response towards ourself showing strength) doesnt notice the technique at all. Why? Because their ego just says, that's for me? What a boring person. No value there, move on. You can do this for ever. They just don't see any mileage in being difficult with you at all. No acts of service for them though, you are too busy, would mess it up etc. Then you go on about something really really tedious to distract, talk about the type of weeds on the patio or the new kettle you bought yesterday. This type of person MIL is too ego centric to not be with excitement.
Eventually your MIL will overstep the mark, keep out of her way. If she can't blame you then it will be someone else, probably her S. The kids will take their lead from you, be ultra sticky sweet without giving her anything. Then let her get on with it. You can also try googling the fogging technique, and philibustering, both excellent as alternatives with MIL, if you want to mix it up.
For fogging technique I like the post on newline-avoiding conflict. (The post on assertiveness is good too and there is a questionaire) it's one I use in my quarterly goal scoring for measuring my comes goals. Tooooooooo much info on V sorry Msd.
My views
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/24/1503:38 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
