Just continuing my journey, 2nd day of my work on letting my wife, and marriage go, forgiving myself and her. Forgiveness is such a difficult thing, it is a lot more difficult than to become bitter and angry, to move on from that place of disdain is so much easier, but it is the route that I refuse to go. Despite what is happening, despite what actions are hurting me at this moment, I love my wife and hope to and I am working to let her go from a place of love, and compassion. I want her to be happy.
This journey isn't an easy one, for sure. I do believe in the fact that it is a worthwhile one. As I mentioned yesterday, I am grateful for the gift of learning more about myself, and beginning to love, care, forgive, and accept myself.
That inner child that still holds on to what he wanted. I am understanding that from my childhood stems a feeling of abandonment, that I ignored throughout my life, not allowing anyone to get close to me because it was so much easier. That's the man that my wife met at 26 years of age, I child that didn't quite understand what being vulnerable, accepting, and committed to someone else, including himself, is. That's who I am getting to know now, and trying to show him that it is ok, that we both messed up with the running around, being distant, because we were scare of letting anyone in. Letting him know that we no longer need to be this way, that we can have faith in who we are and who we can become, that we can handle being vulnerable, and being hurt. That it is all worthwhile doing.
I wish my wife the best of luck in her journey. I plan to continue to have hope in us in the future reconciling. I just won't stand in her way of happiness, she deserves it, as much as I do.
For anyone interested, I have been listening to this sermon by TD Jakes, which is powerful to say the least, about letting things go, and forgiving. It has brought me to tears time and time again. So please take the time to listen if you are having problems forgiving...
