WAS or what (3)

[roist]

I had hoped being away would improve my sleeping.Whereas it has taken away a stress of respecting an unspoken no mans land in bed, sleep has not been as good as I hoped. But that one stress removed does make a difference.

I am not overdwelling on my situation but I am during my downtime trying to figure out how to change the dynamics of my situation. After a year maybe I need to do something really different.

Is it stronger to put up with it and let it play out or to grab the M by the scruff of the neck and give it a good shaking.

I was of the opinion that I continue to work on me. The more I look at me the more I see I have loads I can improve.This is not improvements to meet what I think W expects , but to really become someone I am happy to be. roiste 2.0 or an ideal me.

But being in a half marriage does feel like a weight dragging me back or at least slowing me down. Why? Because it restricts actions.If either of us said wants out, then no need to continue making face. This is not just to others but to us too. I guess I am saying that an either in or an out position would be truer than actuel situation. Inappropriate friend would not be an issue. If she was in, he would have to go. If out, it would not be my ognions. So in meantime I do nothing except monitor crossing of lines. (If they have met alone during my trip, what is best way to state inappropriatness?)

Also our current situation limits GAL to a certain extent. I currently go out and do more stuff than her. Her evenings are mostly on couch. I don't know if current situation is crumb eating or our M holding on by a string.I want to be sure before breaking that string. But I have loads of stuff I will do if we split and I have every second week for me. Ironically if my M fails I may even want to invest in helping other marriages. Maybe become a DB coach in Europe!Volunteer work etc. I want to help people, but with a young family and business time requirements it is not possible.

Maybe soon I will have to decide to be the one to end this limbo. In the meantime I have enough to work on in me. Plus I want to be ready for the practical aspects. But as a good friend reminds me. That does not have to be decided today.

I have no idea how I will manage if we split but I know: will. I am not afraid of it nor of my W. Is this strength or just acceptance idk. But Roiste 2.0 is in the making and in 2016 he will be ready.