she hand wrote this letter almost 5months ago in a retreat.
"Dear husband I apologize that im barely taking the time to write this. However this is the most time to myself and my feelings ive gotten. so although it isnt the most beautiful paper i want to make sure you Helenunderstand it is the most hear felt sincere. I am very proud of the man you have be come since we have met and decided to start a family you have w orked hard to get where you are and although at times i cannot show it or express it its not that i dont notice im either upset or just being a brat or having a bad day. i am proud of you working to support me and the girls so i can stay at home but overall i am grateful for the fact that you have never told me you want to move on. i am the weakest when it comes to keeping it together. i always want to run when things get hard, so i can sit here and list all the things that are obvious you do for me and the girls but overall that is the one thing that i am the most proud of grateful for because you kept us together i love you and although i may say im done a lot thruth is i dont and have never meant it. it makes me sad to ever think of the possibility just speaking out of anger thank you for putting up with me and keeping this family united . love you always and forever W.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/23/1512:25 PM. Reason: Name removed
Is this the retreat she dragged you to that you fell asleep in? Yeah, I'm sure that plan will go well. Why would you try to manipulate her by sending something now she wrote when trying to fix the M? One minute its you weren't there for her, the next its she was never there for you.
Maybe you should stop focusing on her issues and back onto your own and let go of that fear of losing her. Is your priority your kids and their safety or is it holding onto a M that's already dead?
Originally Posted By: angel r
There has never been any abuse or anything in the family.
Really? Seems to conflict here with what you already told us
Originally Posted By: angel r
I need advise on what should i do. Should i go 50/50 custody or should i go for 100% custody. The reason being is that there has been several situation where she is emotionally and psychologically damaging my daughters. And maybe this is the only way for her to realize?
Why care or do something now about it? It seems this was an ongoing thing from the past so I'm curious why all of a sudden its now important enough to get help for.
Originally Posted By: angel r
I am no scared of her anymore. i will not allow her to manipulate me anymore.
I think there's more than one person who did the manipulating.
Regardless of the above, if you feel your kids are in danger than do something about it and stop worrying how it will change the outcome of your M.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I am sorry that you are here under some real awful circumstances. I've only read the last three pages of your thread and it was enough to get me to come out of the woodwork to say a few things to you.
Originally Posted By: angel r
I need advise on what should i do. Should i go 50/50 custody or should i go for 100% custody. The reason being is that there has been several situation where she is emotionally and psychologically damaging my daughters. And maybe this is the only way for her to realize? When i judge decides that is best for the girls to be with me. Ill give yall examples. She disciplines my 3 yr old a lot. she smacks her if she misbehaves and if she cries she will count to 3 , and if after 3 she is still crying then she will smack her again and put in her the closet with the lights off. If my little girl throws a tantrum she will smack her her block her mouth with her own hand in order to be quiet , while she keeps smacking her. If for some reason she doesnt stop crying then she will take to the shower with cold water in order for to calm down. If she were to cry about anything maybe something random ( you know kids tend to do that) then she will tell her to be quiet or she will give her a reason to cry, meaning that she will get up and smack her in order for her to have a reason to cry. I told yall about the incident where she decided to get off the truck while I was driving, and didnt care that we put our daughters safety in danger while i followed her on the side of the road. There was one time when the baby 9months fell of the bed because she felt asleep and the baby crawled and fell of the bed hitting her little head. Every time i would intervene she would tell me not to get involved since i dont know how to discipline them and i only show the affection like if they would understand. Last she didnt take about my daughters when she decided to live in a shelter. She basically used them in order to receive all those government benefits. If it wasnt for them , they would have probably told her to take a hike. She didnt care that i havent seen my daughters for over 5 weeks because she is only worried about herself right now. I could have gladly left the house and left her with everything. She is showing them though love just like she was shown when she was a child. I dont like that.
It seems that the abuse was not a one-off thing, but an ongoing problem, right? Have you ever sought help from a domestic violence advocate? You need to know that women are also batterers/abusers although they are in the minority. But it's certainly out there.
Originally Posted By: angel r
there was times in public places where my daughter would sometimes cry about small things ( you know how children are) well she would count to 3 and if she didnt stop crying then she would take her to the restroom and spank her hard there while she blocked my daughters mouth with her hand. There was this incident one time at a restaurant where my 3yr old daughter wanted to keep eating chips, well we told her no since that was enough and she had to eat her food. Well of course my little girl cried just like any other child would do. Well my wife counted to 3 and my baby girl kept crying and she couldnt stop crying because she knew what was coming , meaning she would get smacked. Well my wife got more mad because she kept crying that she got up from her chair so quick and hard that she knocked over the chair where my 9 month old daughter was sitting in her baby seat. It knocked over the chair to the ground and my baby with it. Luckily she was buckled in her seat. My wife didnt even go after my 9 month old she still went after my 3yr old and took her off her chair and took her to the restroom in order to discipline her and smack her in there.
Where were you when this all happened? Didn't you try to stop this at all?
In my mind, you BOTH need to attend healthy parenting classes. Oftentimes the state coalition against domestic violence offers trainings/classes on positive and healthy parenting. I urge you to seek out and reach out to the state's domestic violence coalition agency for support.
I wish you nothing but courage and strength as you confront this complex problem in your marriage and home.
I was just hesitant since in her letter she says that if she ever says is over she doesnt really mean it, and also that she is weak when it comes to hard times and always runs away. which is what she is doing now.
But you are not her parent, boss, supervisor or counselor, or in any other way responsible for guiding her in her life. She needs to figure it out and solve her own problems. And her actions speak louder than words.
You need to focus on
1) The safety and well-being of your children, 2) Your own issues
Imagine this: You manage somehow, through pressure and pleading and insistence, to get her back home. Things go back to the way they were. You are unhappy because she's unhappy, she is unhappy because she has unresolved issues, the children are abused and you don't dare intervene. Why would you even want to live like that?
You sound very lost without her. Maybe this will be the best thing that has happened to you, her and your children. You have an opportunity to address all these issues.
Strange as it sounds, I think that's the experience for many of us here - the desertion or affair or whatever didn't come out of the blue, there were issues that were unresolved. Maybe they can't be resolved, but you can at the very least work as hard as you can to make sure your children are not abused and beaten and injured. (Be careful that you are not seen as vengeful, though.)
Let the law and professional counselors lead your actions, and let your faith give you comfort and character. It would probably be wise to not mix the two up too much moving forward.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
how can i not sound vengeful ? I know that my daughters are not in danger. But the way they are discipline will have an impact when they are older. They might turn abusive to their own husbands, because mom thought them to be. I wouldnt want that. I also dont want to tear her apart. Because i know if I take the daughters away, she will hate me forever. I am in the middle. IT IS STRESSING. I WILL KEEP PRAYING FOR GUIDANCE.
