Wow, mind is blown 9

[dday]

Up, I feel for you. I hear it from my kids weekly. S6 asked W tonight about this tonight, and she quickly changed the subject.

It hurts more than anything. I haven't yet figured out what I should say. But, I always tell them I love them, and would do anything to make us a whole family again. That's the truth, but I doubt it's the best thing to say.

Good luck, and I have my fingers crossed for you

[Ancaire]

LOL...D, you know it's not the right thing to say. It would be better to agree you miss being a family, too, but it's not possible right now.

I had to let the kids know today there will be no R. Brutal stuff, and mine are grown! I didn't go into any detail, was just matter of fact. I said if I could do it again, I would have made different choices at times, but the past is what it is. We just have to make the best with what we have. We'll be okay.

This hurts.

[Fogg]

Its just important to make sure they know no matter what happens they will be taken care of and you will be there for them. When they see one parent leaving the other it can put the fear in them that they are going to be left also. So focus on making sure they know they will be ok and provided for.

My kids had a rough night also. W dropped off both of them at my apartment and D4 began to cry when she was trying to leave. W stayed for 5 more minutes holding D4 in her room before she left and I could tell it was bothering W also. When she left I tried to comfort her but she just kept saying "I miss mommy" while crying. Stay strong for those little ones everyone. Its difficult for them to believe everything is going to be ok when they see us break down also, so do your best to be that pillar of strength they need right now.

[asitis]

I was having a fairly good day emotionally and mentally today. I picked up S4 to take him to XF's place after work. He started asking me when he comes back to my house. I told him I will see him Saturday and we have some fun plans for the weekend. Then came the heart breaker... He asked if mom could come to my house so we can be a family. It caught me WAY off guard and I asked him to repeat himself so I could gather my thoughts. He said that he wants mom to live at dads house again so we can be a family! I assured him that if it is possible I will do anything I can to make it happen.

It tore me up so bad I stopped after dropping him off and had a few beers. It hurt so bad to have my child say something like that and not be able to promise him that I will make it happen

I know it hurts like h*ll, but this is also something that your DB skills w/ your XF can help with. You reassure your S, let him know that he is cared for by both you & his mom and that both of you will be there for him.

Report the conversation to XF, but with a "I know that he can't understand,and I'm not trying to make you feel bad or any pressure, but this conversation sparked an idea of how we can work together for S's well-being. It seems to me that he is struggling with the absence of the non-custodial parent when he's with the other. He wants to know that the other parent is still there. Why don't we work out how to call, or better video call, him each day? Preferably at the end of the day to "tuck him in" emotionally."

Think about what your bedtime ritual. Including the non-custodial spouse in a piece of that process can be very nurturing and supportive. He feels like both his parents are there for him.

Tell her that you know it will take some coordination and accommodation on the two of you's part. Some days the call may need to take place earlier on some days to allow the non-custodial parent some flexibility.

The advantage here is that you show focus on your child. You work together as a team to meet your child's needs. You also now have opportunities to connect, even briefly, on a daily basis. XF gets to see you loving and making her S happy and loved if nothing else, and that is really attractive and powerful.

So, be grateful that your S was able to voice his needs, and that this is an opportunity to help your family grow and support each other as a team.

You never know the opportunities to DB that this will present. And, even if it doesn't draw you and XF closer, it is going to be helpful to your S.

[Uphill]

As, we already have the routine of the non custodial parent speaking with him every evening. I mean there are times that he does fall asleep before it happens but I would say 80-90% of the time it works out.

After S4 had said this I did go into super dad mode for the rest of the ride. Assuring him that he is loved and that no matter what he can call me at any time. It was tough because at the same time I was ready to break down from what He had asked for... It just made me feel helpless.

[Uphill]

Just to add to the above. I actually had my lawyer put the daily contact clause into our custody agreement. That is something I would not bend on from day one when she moved out. I told her that her actions and decisions will not affect my relationship with S4. It is not one sided either, same goes for when I have him she can call him at any time.

[Azzork]

UH - Yeah, it bites. Mine told me a couple months ago that she didnt feel like she belonged anywhere because he had to keep shuffling off to different places all the time. I said that just think about it like he has two families now: one on mommys side and one on daddys side. Instead of not having any families, now he had TWO families.

I always tell them I love them, and would do anything to make us a whole family again.

Sorry to hijack, but, ugh, dont say this. This puts the blame squarely on your W. The kids are too young to be taking sides, and you dont want them to be resentful towards their mom. That will stick with them the rest of their lives.

[Uphill]

I figured I would get a 2x4 for that part Azzork. ^^^ I just saw it isn't my quote but what I said was similar. It is what I said when put on the spot... After it was said I knew it was wrong but I'm not gonna come on here and switch the wording to "look" like I handled it perfect. I said what I did and can be better prepared for if he ever says something like that again.

Vise, that is very respectable to honor your vows. I never had the chance to get to that point (that's why she's is XF and not XW). But anyway, I am doing my best to hold true to all the promises we made each other through the years. They may not have been legally binding but to me a promise of forever is just that. It didn't need to be said in a church to hold water in my book!

Don't get me wrong, just last night when I stopped for a few beers, I caught myself looking around. I saw waitresses, who I know, over in the corner talking to each other and looking my way. I know for a fact that 3 of the 4 are single (and not bad looking )also word has spread about my situation so I can only imagine what was being said haha. It was shortly after I saw that, I decided it was best to remove myself from the pub and go home!!!

[asitis]

Don't remove yourself from the pub just because of that. Enjoy a bit of attention. Just keep in mind that you are vulnerable to that leading somewhere you'll regret. You probably could use little flirting refresher anyway, and hopefully that will help w/ the XF at some point. I know I sure needed a refresher and then some after 17 years. Wish I had had that insight about 10 or 15 years ago, and then every few years thereafter. One lesson I'm definitely learning for future Rs (w/ W or others) is to never stop flirting. Ever. I would seduce, but that's different at least somewhat different.

[Uphill]

I must admit asitis, it made me uncomfortable. After so many years of being with XF, my mind was racing with the what ifs. Don't get me wrong it did feel good to realize what was going on, it just didn't feel right if that makes any sense?

Also on top of what was happening at the pub, I had the S4 conversation on my mind the whole time. Maybe my mind just wasn't in the right place at that time?