Dropping the Rope V

[Zephyr]

Thanks Roiste, You have been a stalwart!!!!

The 'die on this hill' just an expression of being the final battle that you know you will not come out of.

So I wanted to share something that struck me today.
All of my wife's resentments of our years together...I never really connected them.

They all were different, but the resounding theme ends up as 'I didn't listen to her opinion'

Simple enough right, but really I can see for the first time...I did not take the time to actually hear her and to make sure that I understood her side of things. I have tried to validate lately...but I was not doing THAT.

I had as one of my 180's from this past winter as 'Listen Damnit, really try to hear her'.

Evidently I had still not been doing a good enough job of that. I literally stop what I am doing, turn off TV, set book down, whatever I was doing and pay attention. Those interactions were fine...but when we would get into an heated discussion, evidently I was so focused on what I wanted to say or wanted her to hear, that I was not hearing her.

WTF, not very good job.

I was doing some reading this afternoon after I realized I was still not doing what I set out to do...found this nugget.

Resentment: the memory of having been invalidated. Heal resentment in two steps: 1) by validating the original invalidating experience and 2) validating any invalidating experiences that have occurred in the time between the original and the present. Resentment can easily be healed by intentional validating activities by the “offender”.

UM, Ya. I have only made things worse over the years. I printed out multiple validations worksheets and articles to help me do some more studying, beyond what I've already printed here.

While I know I cannot fix her, I can certainly stop adding fuel to the fire when we talk about anything.

Man do I have more work to do.

[ep0215]

oh man, I have some homework now too. Thanks Z

[roist]

Every time you take a knock you dig deeper. That is amazing. I truly hope pe your W get to really see you now.

[Zephyr]

Thanks db friends.

Roiste Let's face it, if I was a better husband all these maybe I wouldn't be here in the first place. I phucked up plenty over the years and I know no matter who I am with, whether romantic or platonic or whatever, I need to be able to listen better.

[roist]

I HEAR you.

None of us is perfect and yes we did contribute to causing the current situation we hate so much. If we could magic ourselves back we would go back and do everything we now know we should always have done. But we cannot go back. We have to live with and learn from it.

[Zephyr]

So last night was my first school district facilities meeting. It went very nicely. I can see that I will be able to contribute to the process.

This was sort of a milestone for me. Getting involved with the district was my very first GAL activity goal that i set almost a year ago. This has stemmed other little goals that I've knocked down but the meeting itself was sort of a milestone in my heart yo get through.

I was very excited for myself. I shared my excitement with my wife and i thanked her deeply for all of her encouragement and her support with this process. I wanted to go out and celebrate so I asked her out for a desert for when I got home.

She was up for it. When I finally got home it was really late. Errands and the meeting ran late...it was 9:45...she was hesitant but she could tell it was something I wanted to do (I was plannening on going myself if she ended up not wanting to go)...and she decided yes.

We had a nice time. Tried to keep the conversation on our days instead of kids. Overall was only an hour but still nice time.

I was very glad she went with to share in my little celebration for myself! There were other interactions that i was excited about over last few days for me and my listening / validation 180s & goals, but the facilities team goal was a big step for me to get 'out there'

Go team Zephyr!

[V2pt0]

Congrats on your milestone, Z!! I am glad that you feel your voice will make a difference within the committee. Also, I am happy to hear that your W shared in your success. Sounds like you had a great day. I am sure your overall enthusiasm and demeanor yesterday made an impact on your W. That kind of attitude is very attractive.

I am proud to be behind team, Zephyr!!

[Zephyr]

BT,

thanks, I will be making Team Z T-shirts next week

[roist]

I want one too!

Happy for your goal and your improved interactions.

[roist]

How are things since?

I just reread your first post of this thread. I could have written it last night. I may remove all my threads soon and change name, but I will stay in touch.