The WW's guilt, I believe, comes later. In the beginning (let's say the time of BD), it's all about feeling justified. Her version of justification, that is.
As a Christian, I knew I should feel guilt, remorse, sorrow, etc., for my waywardness (especially my A). Although I finally made a decision to do the right thing, my heart stayed cold. I would pray that God would help me feel what I needed to feel so that I could be right with Him and my H, and so that our M could heal. I knew we would never move forward until this happened, and it would always hinder me in spiritual growth.
So, the remorse finally came. The guilt, sorrow, regret and shame nearly killed me. It lasted a long time. God forgave me. My H forgave me. Forgiving myself? Not so much. There are still time I struggle with it. I consider myself extremely blessed b/c I have been given another chance. If not for the assurance of forgiveness.....I would be destroyed. Thank God for Grace!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
mbje, thank you so much that is in fact another way of looking at her. She is an imposter. This woman doesn't even call her kids while away on business for 4 days, I would call them even when I am in the same neighborhood just to see how their day was and remind them that I am here. So I have to start shifting my perception so that I can detach further and love the woman she could be again and better when she decides and if she decides.
Sandi, your brief description of your time and your inner shame moves me a lot. I have a lot of that, believe me, during this time I don't blame my wife for wanting out, I was a good man, supported her, a great father, always there for my kids, but a horrible partner, it wasn't until much later in our relationship that I started to value my wife, and by then it was too late I suppose. Your description of how you felt guilt, remorse, sorrow, is not that dissimilar from what I've been feeling because of my blame in all of this. I know she will have to go through this herself, part of me doesn't want her to experience this.
I am fighting internally to remain in control, I have played the weak person for far too long. I need to start looking at this as if it is a ship that has sailed and God will guide it and me towards our destinies and path. If God ordains it, I might be that lighthouse that has stood waiting for this ship to come back and guiding it safely. I just know that I can't continue to feel this way, I have done a lot to make up for my past, I am still working on forgiving myself, and now forgiving her, and believe me, forgiving myself is the hardest part.
God bless you both, it is always nice to hear from you wonderful women, who have been where we are and also on the other side. Thank You.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Working towards awakening, letting it go, moving forward w/o looking back. I realize that the hurt that I am feeling from my wife's actions is me being stuck in this victim mentality. She deserves to be happy, whatever that is, right now she feels that this is it for her. I may not agree with it, but as we all know we can't control that. I am hurting myself, torturing myself, while she doesn't give it a second thought. Is that fair? I don't think so, but I can't blame her, God has a plan for each of us, and this obstacle, that man in her life currently, my hurt, it all happened for a reason.
We are meant to continue to grow, to continue to be the highest level of ourselves, that our lord has given us one life, one amazing life, to do with it whatever we chose. I do believe my marriage is worth the time I am spending hoping to make it work.
So I will move forward working on myself, becoming a better person, a better version of who I was, becoming the man I need to be to have the life I want to lead. I will continue working on forgiving myself, and forgiving my wife, loving myself, and loving her, it isn't going to be easy, I know, but its worth it. We all deserve to be happy, and happiness is something we find in ourselves. I hope that my wife and I find ourselves together again with our loving children, with lots of love, respect, and support. I will pave the road in hopes that one day we do find ourselves again, if God sees it as part of my plan, but I will move forward without restrictions, if in my journey I find someone who moves and excites me, I'll be open to receive what the lord has in store for me. I am not ready for that at the moment, and will not go out looking, but won't shy from it if it finds me.
God Bless you all. This journey is still in its infancy, and the biggest gift I've been given has been the time to learn more about myself, time that I have never taken to get to know the most important person in my life. ME.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Awakening is painful my friend. I still have the thoughts about my wife moving on, getting to know this new guy, already telling him she misses him and thinks of him; and forgetting me. It is hard to swallow it, but I need to be the bigger person and remove myself with love for her and wishing her happiness. She is after all the mother of my children, and was such an important woman in my life, my partner.
It has make me question my perception in all of this. I mean, my W has told me she is moving forward, likes this guy, and is going to see where it leads. I mean, how much more do I need in order for me to let her go? I guess that's something I need to explore.
I have totally been there. In past conversations, my H has asked me, "why do you even want to be with someone who tells you straight to your face that he doesn't want you?" The reality is, we may love them, but someone who treats us in such a manner doesn't deserve to be wanted right now, and we need to have enough self respect to pick ourselves up and walk away from that.
I realized I *don't* want my H right now. I want my H from before all this happened. But he isn't here right now. Until/Unless he returns, I am losing nothing by letting this imposter H go, because he is not the man I love anyway.
Well said, why would you want to be with someone who tells you this to your face or lies, etc... We all deserve someone who will treat us with love and dignity.
We must show self respect right now more than ever!
The WW's guilt, I believe, comes later. In the beginning (let's say the time of BD), it's all about feeling justified. Her version of justification, that is.
As a Christian, I knew I should feel guilt, remorse, sorrow, etc., for my waywardness (especially my A). Although I finally made a decision to do the right thing, my heart stayed cold. I would pray that God would help me feel what I needed to feel so that I could be right with Him and my H, and so that our M could heal. I knew we would never move forward until this happened, and it would always hinder me in spiritual growth.
So, the remorse finally came. The guilt, sorrow, regret and shame nearly killed me. It lasted a long time. God forgave me. My H forgave me. Forgiving myself? Not so much. There are still time I struggle with it. I consider myself extremely blessed b/c I have been given another chance. If not for the assurance of forgiveness.....I would be destroyed. Thank God for Grace!
This is very deep Sandi2, thank you for sharing that with us. God is kind and forgiving.
Working towards awakening, letting it go, moving forward w/o looking back. I realize that the hurt that I am feeling from my wife's actions is me being stuck in this victim mentality. She deserves to be happy, whatever that is, right now she feels that this is it for her. I may not agree with it, but as we all know we can't control that. I am hurting myself, torturing myself, while she doesn't give it a second thought. Is that fair? I don't think so, but I can't blame her, God has a plan for each of us, and this obstacle, that man in her life currently, my hurt, it all happened for a reason.
We are meant to continue to grow, to continue to be the highest level of ourselves, that our lord has given us one life, one amazing life, to do with it whatever we chose. I do believe my marriage is worth the time I am spending hoping to make it work.
So I will move forward working on myself, becoming a better person, a better version of who I was, becoming the man I need to be to have the life I want to lead. I will continue working on forgiving myself, and forgiving my wife, loving myself, and loving her, it isn't going to be easy, I know, but its worth it. We all deserve to be happy, and happiness is something we find in ourselves. I hope that my wife and I find ourselves together again with our loving children, with lots of love, respect, and support. I will pave the road in hopes that one day we do find ourselves again, if God sees it as part of my plan, but I will move forward without restrictions, if in my journey I find someone who moves and excites me, I'll be open to receive what the lord has in store for me. I am not ready for that at the moment, and will not go out looking, but won't shy from it if it finds me.
God Bless you all. This journey is still in its infancy, and the biggest gift I've been given has been the time to learn more about myself, time that I have never taken to get to know the most important person in my life. ME.
YES, the biggest gift is to learn yourself and love yourself!
Im with you buddy, we are still young, you are a great person and it shows from your words.
Keep detaching, go out and meet new people, I find meeting new people creates new possibilities and growth. Life is seriously too short. God bless you!
Just continuing my journey, 2nd day of my work on letting my wife, and marriage go, forgiving myself and her. Forgiveness is such a difficult thing, it is a lot more difficult than to become bitter and angry, to move on from that place of disdain is so much easier, but it is the route that I refuse to go. Despite what is happening, despite what actions are hurting me at this moment, I love my wife and hope to and I am working to let her go from a place of love, and compassion. I want her to be happy.
This journey isn't an easy one, for sure. I do believe in the fact that it is a worthwhile one. As I mentioned yesterday, I am grateful for the gift of learning more about myself, and beginning to love, care, forgive, and accept myself.
That inner child that still holds on to what he wanted. I am understanding that from my childhood stems a feeling of abandonment, that I ignored throughout my life, not allowing anyone to get close to me because it was so much easier. That's the man that my wife met at 26 years of age, I child that didn't quite understand what being vulnerable, accepting, and committed to someone else, including himself, is. That's who I am getting to know now, and trying to show him that it is ok, that we both messed up with the running around, being distant, because we were scare of letting anyone in. Letting him know that we no longer need to be this way, that we can have faith in who we are and who we can become, that we can handle being vulnerable, and being hurt. That it is all worthwhile doing.
I wish my wife the best of luck in her journey. I plan to continue to have hope in us in the future reconciling. I just won't stand in her way of happiness, she deserves it, as much as I do.
For anyone interested, I have been listening to this sermon by TD Jakes, which is powerful to say the least, about letting things go, and forgiving. It has brought me to tears time and time again. So please take the time to listen if you are having problems forgiving...
