Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Msd

Don't fall for the same sweet cycle.

V

I know. It is so dangerous. Do you know what my first instinct was when I finally got those checks?--after months of H not giving me anything--including a time to go in and get the things that he already agreed I could have 3 months ago. My first instinct was GUILT. Like I should be thanking him for giving me what is rightfully mine. WTF!!! How easy it is to slip back into those patterns.

One good thing I have going for me is that I have developed friendships with some divorced men. Both of whom pay support. And both of whom have assured me (when I was worried about money) that he will have to start paying and it will be ok. They didn't make me feel like I was being a beast for expecting money. They assured me it was right for me to expect it. So that helps.

I also just spent the better part of today rereading my sitch from start to finish. Because I needed to remind myself about how better off I am now. Wow. I feel like I was reading about someone else story.

This post from Maybelle struck me:

That's a lot of things to be good in your life! I hope you're focusing on them.

Imagine the worst happens. Everything that is up in the air right now, that you fear. It all comes to pass.

Now imagine yourself waking up the morning after that awful calamity. Who do you want to be on that day? That is what the lighthouse is meant to show you.

Now, don't wait for the calamity. Be that person TODAY.

Wishing you peace in your conversation with your H.

Believe that all will be well. It is in your power to make it so.

This was posted 6 months before the calamity.
My response to the Day After Calamity question.

I want to be happy and proud. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and are honest with me. People I can trust. He is left to self destruct and I am rising above all of the pain and confusion. For the first time in a long time I have clarity, and I take care of me for the first time. I am in control of my emotions and my well-being, and my children admire me for my strength and composure as I manage my way through this. That woman who was crying is gone, and she is replaced by a happy, strong, confident provider who doesn't need another person to make her happy. Because she is enough.

I'm not quite there yet..but I'm pretty darn close. I'm closer to being that person than to the person I was when I wrote that.

And that V, is what I hope will keep me from falling for the sweet cycle again. Because I can reread and relive my journey on these posts. I can recognize the parts that still feel fresh and raw when I read, and the parts that are starting to feel like it was someone else's life. I am still raw about the things that happened from April to Calamity Day. I am really liking who I am and where I am now.