Getting back together is what I want, most days. Lately I have had days that I am not sure, but that may be a defense mechanism.
D -
How often do you think about whether you would want to be president? How often do you think about whether you would move to Paris?
Probably not very often, Im guessing
These things arent on the table right now for you, so they dont matter. Nobody is offering you a spot in the primaries, right?
My point is that spending time worrying about this right now is a total waste. She doesnt want to reconcile right now, so what point is there in thinking about whether you do? By the time she would be ready, you will both be different people anyway. So deciding you want to R with her today doesnt really mean anything.
Thanks all. Doesn't feel like I am doing great. Feels like I am back on the roller coaster again today. Nothing has changed. I need to stay the course. That's the smart play. I just get so impatient and latch on to any small thing that may be W starting to think about things. She has done a couple favors for me, without being asked. Last night she texted about s4 trick or treat school thing, and invited me. Then said I can take the boys to do my side of the family afterwards. Wish we were doing that together.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I wish I could NOT think about everyday. I can actually have another thought now and again, that doesn't involve her. That is an improvement from few weeks ago.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
What will it look like if the W does decide to want to work on M? Other than outright saying it. I fear that pride, stubbornness, whatever is a huge hurdle to overcome. Is there a time to put yourself out to them, or do I just stay the course indefinitely? I know that I haven't seen enough signs yet (if any), but if they start adding up, or W doesn't further the D proceedings, do I do anything? Is the ball in her court permanently?
Just curious. I know I am not there yet. Sure wish I was!
Personally, I went from blaming myself completely, to blaming this on her since she filed. I need to get away from the blame game. And, I need to be a little friendlier, without becoming friend zoned. Those are my 2 DB goals of the moment.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Personally, unless H comes to me full of remorse and apologies I will not believe he's seen the light. He'll need to put up a fight to get me back. Otherwise, just more empty words for some self-fulfilling reason.
You'd probably start noticing a lot more voluntary contact, her pursuing you for a change...flirting. Way more meaningful than small kindnesses meant to keep you in the friend zone.
I'm sure you'll know if she has a change of heart.
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Is there a time to put yourself out to them, or do I just stay the course indefinitely? I know that I haven't seen enough signs yet (if any), but if they start adding up, or W doesn't further the D proceedings, do I do anything? Is the ball in her court permanently?
I would say you don't put yourself out there until she does or says she's ready. My way of looking at it is, Yes, you stay the course indefinitely if you are committed to the marriage. If not, D is always possible if you choose it.
My W knows I don't want a divorce, that I don't think it's best, and that I want her and the M if she decides to stay and do the work. It's up to her whether she returns.
My job, if I want her to return, is to keep the road home clear. Pursuit, meanness, retribution, drama, antagonism, etc., would all put additional obstacles in the way that would make that road home even more difficult to get through than it already is...and would increase the time it would take to get down it.
Best way to keep it clear is not to go there...detach, GAL, etc...become the kind of husband only a fool would leave, as they say. Let her see a road home that is relatively clear and that has something good at the end of it. Perhaps at some point she will see that and start the journey back.
Tl2, My W filed for divorce 9/1. We set up a s agreement on 9/22. Haven't heard anything else towards D, since then. No splitting up assets, she has been much more cooperative and apologetic when something happens.
Just a little recap of W actions that got me here.
Only reason for D, according to her, is "I just can't get past it". Hasn't really ever defined what that is, other than we would have an argument 2 times a year that would get ugly. I was drinking when it would happen.
I have quit drinking. Quit working so much. Did everything that was asked of me. I agree with those complaints, so that was a good thing. Also, I am less grumpy, a better dad, can voice my feelings better. Becoming a much better person. Starting today, I am working on being less cold to W, and using LRT while being darker.
I want my family whole and happy again. I want the girl I fell for back. In the last month I have seen glimpses of her... but I am not with her. Still have hope, probably too much some days.
That is the abridged recap/ highlight reel
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
D - The excuses WS come up with are often bizarre. H informed me today being married to me ruined his life. But you know with my H, it's kind of his normal brand of ugliness. Even knowing that, it hurt. I am aware that was his intention. Still...
Learning not to react to the craziness you hear is huge. I stayed calm, said I didn't agree but was sorry to learn he felt that way. Took the steam right out of him.
I understand your longing for the person you married. When I cry now, it's usually because I miss my old H so very much. IMHO, that is much better than crying because of something he did or said. I sense some detachment coming on for me...for now.
I'm in this with you! We will be okay, little brother.
