Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[sandi2]

" I understand how that would be frustrating. I've made it clear where I'll be sleeping. I will park in the driveway if you'll leave the chain lock off the front door or you could sleep in the basement bedroom."

Good!

[gs9]

Help!!! I may have a huge problem. A lady from our church reached out to my WW wife. They've been emailing a little. The lady emailed me and I responded. Well somehow my WW had my email password on her phone. I just saw her reading the email. Here is her email and my reply

This is B , J's wife. I just want to let you know I'm praying for your family through this difficult season in your lives. I've been emailing with Y a little. I'm not a therapist and I can only share from my experience. I do not have answers or advice for your personal situation. I have a few personal things I wanted to share with you that may or may not help with your situation...

It took me leaving J, and beyond that, having to serve him divorce papers before he came to true repentance and a real relationship with God. Until that point, he was not honest with me. True repentance comes with honesty. J's actions were what came next. He's sincerity for me and my feelings, his openness, /transparency in our marriage, his desire to be different and change (a good, trustworthy husband and man of God)... All of these things he did and is continuing to do and learn. If he did not change or desire a real relationship with God, we would not have worked and I would not have entertained getting back together.

I'm hoping by sharing the above this would encourage you in some way... Not sure how. It's J's and my story but use it as you may. We found hope through God.

We read some books that I would highly recommend that you read. It could only help:
-How to win you wife (husband) back before it's too late -Love life for every married couple -Power of a praying husband (wife)

The first two books show what a Christian marriage designed by God should look like. It's gorgeous. I also recommend if you haven't already, listen to the SE Christian podcast series of A Better Life, Family, etc... It was completed this last month and was dynamic.

I know you hurt, your family hurts and God is hurting with you all as well. Like I said, my prayers are with you all may He guide you in all things.

Hope this finds you well and you have peace through this storm.

God bless,
B

B
Thank you so much!
I am so blessed and thankful for you and J. Your contact with Y is very encouraging. I have been praying God would place a Christian woman in Y's life who would have the courage to speak truthfully with her and I believe you are the answer to my prayers. She doesn't have anyone in her life like this. I don't believe meeting J was a coincidence either but is God moving and I am so thankful.

Thank you for sharing your story. You and J bring me hope and encouragement.
I'd like to share more of our story and what I have been doing so you may be able to give more insight into what I could be missing.

There has been a lot of hurt and unresolved conflict in our marriage. Both of us at fault. I was a passive husband and she was an abused child with issues that have never been dealt with. Our marriage counselor determined my passivity enabled her anger. Because I never stood firm and was the Godly leader of our home it allowed her to continue to run over me. This dynamic was unhealthy for both of us. Instead of dealing with the issues I would hold them in and then act out. About 15 months ago I was drunk and unfaithful. A couple days later I confessed everything to her. I repented, asked for forgiveness, have been remorseful and began trying to win her back.

Since then I have:J
- been actively seeking God. I have a standing appointment with God every morning spending time in His word.
- I attend a men's group at church regularly. They all know our situation and are praying for us too.
- I have aggressively been learning what it means to be a man of God and a great husband. I have read over 15 books including Winning back your wife before it's too late, Sacred Marriage, Defiled, The resolution of a man, Worthy of her trust, Every man's battle, When good men are tempted, The measure of a man, Love must be tough, Disciplines of a Godly man and several others.
- We attended marriage counseling through the church until her first affair.
- I've continued individual counseling with the marriage counselor weekly
- I continued to love her unconditionally even after discovering her first affair. I tried this approach for about 6 weeks. She refused to stop talking to this other man so my counselor and I decided to switch to an approach of tough love. I've been proceeding with the tough love approach since then.
- I've hired a divorce busting coach who I speak with weekly.
- every decision and action I've made I have prayed over extensively, sought advice from our counselor and sought advice and prayers from my men's group.

I believe another issue we have struggled with is helping Y find peace with the past . She has trouble letting things go and moving forward. She continues to hold on to and list the ways I've wronged her. Some of these are legitimate, some happened before we met and some never even occurred. I've used tools given to us by our counselors on how to ask for forgiveness. I've validated, apologized, asked how I could make it better and asked for forgiveness. However, she's not been able to let them go.

Since Aug of last year I have been and will continue to be faithful to our vows. Y has recently began accusing me of not being but I have and will continue to honor our vows. I know she has had at least 2 affairs since May. I do not know where these relationship stand because I've stopped checking her phone. I have to assume she is at least still talking with them. I know I will be able to forgive her because my deepest desire is to save this marriage.

Thank you for your help. You are a blessing from God

[gs9]

I realize this was a really large post.
Does anyone have any advice?

[Thornton]

I think the best course of action right now is to be still.

Do you know your wife read the email?

[gs9]

I do. I was looking down from the loft area and could see she was reading it on her phone.

My thought is stay the course. Continue DBing, standing up for myself, GALing, letting go.....etc.... but She now knows my heart is all in to R and my integrity is intact without needing to tell her.

[Thornton]

Ok, so the cat is out of the bag. Stay the course. Let her think about the email for a while. Don't bring it up.

You'll be able to adjust your course once you see how she responds.

[gs9]

That's exactly what I was thinking. She doesn't know that I saw her reading the email.

[gs9]

changing my display name too incase she finds this site.

[Zephyr]

Maybe changing some of the names in the copy of the emails to something generic would be a good idea too.

[gs9]

yeah...can't edit it here anymore.