Re: LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (3)

[gs9]

Sandi,
Thank you for all your insight. You, along with Cali and Thornton have all been extremely helpful and I can not tell you how much it means to me.

That is, until she made the decision to have another conversation about the parenting plan. You came home at 1:30 a.m., right? She decides to have another conversation about parenting plan at that time of morning?? Tells you that you don't get to choose when to have the conversations....(but apparently she can), and then you continue to do what she dictates and have the parenting conversation? Why didn't you walk away? Couldn't you see what she was REALLY doing?

I could see she was dictating the discussion and my first reaction was to end it and walk away. The reason I didn't is bc we had a court hearing the next day and I may have to have this ready for the hearing. Turns out...I didn't. I've also realized I shouldn't have really cared if it was ready or not. I do not want this D

Next time, you should calmly tell her that that conversation can wait till the next day and that you are going to bed. Ignore her insinuating questions.

I did this the following night. I came home late again. She came into the MBR talking about wanting to install new carpet. She also went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Pretty ridiculous since we'll be selling the house and I have a hard time believing she needed to brush her teeth since it was late, she had already been sleeping and she's a dental hygienist. I told her I don't think it's a good idea and I climbed into bed as she continued to tell me why she thought it was. I told her it's not and why and rolled over.

Please do not misunderstand what I'm saying. I am not saying to lie. I am not saying to act as if you are having an A. I am saying that when she asks you about wearing your ring or where you went or saw......do not give her the answer she wants to hear. Don't even respond, but simply look at her without any emotion and walk away from her. Now, I am thinking from the VP of a WW.

This is how I've been handling her accusations and there seems to be a little progress. ie she continues to ask about a girlfriend, she's sending more text- even though they are just about finances and controlling me, she's getting up in the middle of the night to talk to me.
Possible step backwards but not necessarily. Could actually be a step in the right direction- she didn't come home last night and she left me a note asking me to make sure the cat and dog had food/water and to bring in the milk in the morning. I think she left it to initially let me know she wouldn't be home. She's trying to get a reaction from me. She'll get none.

Not knowing your whereabouts and your activities is some of the consequences she needs to experience, as a WW. Not controlling you is a lesson she needs to experience, as a spouse.

She's giving me another opportunity to show her she doesn't control me. She sent a text yesterday that said "on the days you don't have D4 I will be sleeping in my room. I'm tired of the garage door waking me up when you come home in the middle of the night"

This will be a great opportunity for me to validate her feelings, restate my decision/boundary to sleep in the MBR, show her she doesn't control me and then reinforce all of it. My DB coach said I should say " I understand how that would be frustrating. I've made it clear where I'll be sleeping. I will park in the driveway if you'll leave the chain lock off the front door or you could sleep in the basement bedroom."