Parents: help me parenting while separated (2)

[Ripe]

Tomorrow morning (in 11 hours) we are taking S9 to do an EEG.
He needs to be awake all night so that he is asleep during the exam.
STBXW and I will split the night, so that one of us can sleep a bit and rest.
We are now behaving like a normal family, preparing some popcorns. STBWX holds my hand so that she can stir the corn in the pot with the spoon.

[isittoolate]

Feeling for you Ripe.....that reaction from S must have been very very hard

Have strength my friend

[Ripe]

SunnyB, isittoolate, thank you for your thoughts. Your presence here means so much to me.

This last week was something.
My kid’s condition is confirmed, which made me very sad. No parent expects for his kid to be anything but healthy. I will now work on integrating this information into my conscience.

Today he is performing an exam to see to which extent there is damage in the brain. This will define the kind of therapy and if it is treatable.

But since S9 is such a great kid, full of joy, I could not let him down so I got "infected" by his energy.
We had a marvellous weekend.
And, I am proud to say, I was a fabulous single parent.
From Friday on, I had all the time at least four kids eating at my dinner table. I prepared all the meals and some of them did not involve frozen or prepared meals. The kids helped cooking some of them and they loved it.
We went to the park.
We played traditional games (and I realized modern kids seem not to be able to cooperate or respect rules as much as I did when was a kid).
We watched movies.

And writing this down, I realized I did not miss STBXW a bit.
If fact, I realized in the last couple of days or so that I had been feeling so lonely in my M that now that STBXW is no longer here there is no tremendous difference. Of course, we shared house chores that now take me much longer to complete, he had a laugh here and there, but we did not share a life nor had any intimacy.
A sexless marriage since 2008 and no sex at all since 2013.
Who was I trying to trick?
How could I expect for this M to last?
At least now I can stop pretending, I can start feeling instead of just numbing my feelings, fearing what I would feel if I would dare to.

[Ripe]

Great news.
As far as the doctors can tell, my son does not have any physical brain damage, so the condition most probably is treatable with medication

I was just over the phone with SBTXW and she was telling me all about the visit to the doctor.
And then she told me her birthday is this Saturday and that she is going out with friends for dinner.
I though she was going to ask if I can stay with the kids - thing that I would gladly do - but what she said was that she was going to have lunch with the kids and invited me to join then.
This caught me by surprise. I thanked the invitation but declined it.
STBXW became visibly upset and said she needs to have a talk with the three of us. I asked her if she could tell me in advance what about but she replied no.
I didn't really know what to do with that invitation. Will now sleep on it.

[SunnyB]

Ripe, I'm happy to hear that there was no damage, and I'm hoping you find the right medication and dosage easily. Having a child with a chronic condition is draining, be sure and take care of you, too. I didn't, and paid the price.

What did you decide about the birthday lunch? I would be nervous about whatever she had to say, mostly because I wouldn't want to be surprised and put in a situation where I didn't know what to say to my kids. Do you have any sense of what it might be that she wants to say?

[Ripe]

That's good advise, SunnyB. What good does it make to our kids if we also get sick?

Regarding my STBXW birthday lunch, I decided to stick to my initial decision of not accepting the invitation.
I really do not feel I have anything to celebrate with W at this moment, to start with.
Second, I think this kind of events with the four of us would just confuse the kids and raise their hopes and expectations.
I am pretty convinced the seizure S9 had is related to stress deriving from the separation, so I don't want to give them the impression that W and I can be together again.
Third, and as much as it costs me to accept it, there is a tiny bit of revenge for what W did for my birthday. It's only a bit but it is there, unfortunately.

[Ripe]

I just learned this. I found it very useful so I am sharing it here.

How to express anger in a healthy way (John Bradshaw)

Here is:
1. What I see
2. What I hear
3. What I interpret
4. What I feel
5. What I want

Practice:
God, you were disgusting last night.
That made me sick, watching an old woman like you dancing with that young boy.

OR
I say you dancing with Billy last night 12 times.
I interpreted you were enjoying that and you were kind of turned on.
I felt scared and angry.
I want to know what that's about.

[Ripe]

Last night I went to a Halloween party.
It was the first time in two years I went to a night club. And all the times before this one always with my STBXW.
Since my teens I have always felt awkward at bars and discos.
Yesterday it was no different, except for one thing: I was more alert and aware of my feelings.
In fact, I went there to test myself but the results were no different.
I feel I don’t belong. I feel social inadequacy and anxiety. I feel uncomfortable from moment one. I feel social shame.
I don’t know where to put my hands, so I am always grabbing something, a beer, peanuts, whatever.
I don’t know what to do with my body. Friends ask me to dance and I refuse. When they drag me to the dance floor I start moving my body parts in a mechanical way since I cannot feel the music. I sense that everyone, especially women, has their eyes on me and this only worsens my embarrassment.
I feel relieved when they let me go.
I don’t talk to anyone I don’t know.
And then I start telling myself these stories of inadequacy that justify this internal resistance inside me (“Models – Attract Women Through Honesty”, by Marc Manson, has been quite revealing): “women only like men who can dance”, “I need to have something really amazing to say for a woman to talk to me”, “the music is too loud to talk to people”, “this beat is horrible and one cannot say it is really music, my classical music is what I like”, “my likings in music make me superior to all these people”.
And finally, I convince myself I don’t care.
And yet everybody is having fun except for me.

[Fogg]

Ripe, glad to hear things with S are looking better. Hope they continue to improve. Careful with trying to place that blame in W also, there's no telling what caused it for sure.

Im not sure what to say about thr nightclub. I think I could be uncomfortable sldo but I've never been to one either. I have that social anxiety also so I could relate to what you were feeling.

[Ripe]

Careful with trying to place that blame in W also, there's no telling what caused it for sure.

You're right, Fogg, I will not do that, although the thought is in some corner of my mind.

Avanti has called me to reason some days ago.
Here are my goals.
1. I will be the best possible daddy. I will apply every time possible what I learned from reading "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child", by John Gottman.
2. I will keep knowing myself with the support of my IC and our weekly meetings.
3. I will go to bed earlier, so that I can stay in bed at least 8 hours.
4. I will keep attending the Happiness Course initiated in September.
5. I will apply when possible active listening technique learned at the course .
6. I will keep doing physical exercises at home.
7. I will practice meditation more frequently, at least three times a week before going to sleep.
8. I will ask every day, several times, the question: "How do I feel about this?"