First of all, thanks everyone for checking in on me. I will try to reply when I have a chance. Second, I do not think I have focused enough on gratitude. So I am going to again remind myself, in no particular order, of all the things for which I am grateful: 1) my health. I just finished a 1/2 marathon 4 days ago and I have hardly any aches or pains. In contrast, I have a friend who just had a lung transplant and is also on dialysis - please say a prayer for him. If he heard me complaining, He would probably hit me with a 2x4. 2) my children. They are are so adorable. I love them to pieces. They are the joys of my life and I feel like I can't hug them enough. So yummy. 3) my family. D is hard. Everyone knows this. Without my family, it would have been infinitely harder. I am so thankful that my family has been so supportive. As painful as this is, my sitch has definitely brought me closer to my family, and they have really stood by me. I wish them only health and happiness. 4) my friends. They are always a great sounding board and many have pledged support to me in this time. I am also lucky to have them for GAL. 5) G-d. I haven't been crying out in prayer enough lately, but I know that when all is said and done, there is just me and my G-d. Everything He does is for the best. He has been carrying me the whole time, guiding my path, urging me on in the background, like a parent encouraging their infant to walk. In quieter times, I can feel this. The impulse to write this list in the first place came from G-d. My sitch could be much much worse and it isn't, thanks to G-d's benevolence. Psalm 23 comes to mind. 6) my job. I have an understanding boss and supportive colleagues. I may not be the best employee right now, but the sky has not fallen.
There is actually a lot going on. I am still dealing with my own feelings of anger at my Ws callousness, but I have not lashed out since the last outburst. I am working on my self-esteem, too. We had a meeting with our Ls. I am amazed at how unprepared and ill-informed my W was. I felt good coming out of the meeting. I at least have a sense of what the major decisions are. I also know where my W stands on things. Lastly, I feel the process is now moving, which is much better than stagnant purgatory.
My W really has no income currently, but she really wants to keep the house. I do not know how she can finance it, and I don't know how she will pay for the mortgage. I am not sure how I feel about the house. I would not have a problem refinancing, but there are a lot of bad memories there. However, the kids are used to that house. If I let her buy me out of the house (if that is even possible), I will have to rent for a while, then possibly buy again. I am not sure why she even wants the house. I am not sure what would be best for the children.
