Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

So just to update.

I saw a flash of the old H last week and it had my eyes watering. We were in the ER with S14 for a thumb injury. It felt like old times and I felt a rush of love sweep over me. We made eye contact and his eyes were soft and sweet. His eyes teared up when mine did, and for a moment I thought--MAYBE. The kids were his that night, and I had a date planned for later that night. I ended up taking S to the ER because it happened during a game that H was coaching. This was the first time on school campus that H had treated me like a human being. OW wasn't around so I guess he didn't have to keep up the act that I was an evil, unpredictable wench. And then later in the hospital I felt like we had a moment.

I ended up canceling the date. I told the guy I would still meet him out later, but he suggested maybe we should have a night in instead of going out since it was late--I told him I wasn't ready for that so we will have to make it another time. And I realized, how can I go on a date with someone after feeling that love for the man I married.

I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to feel love for him again. That fast. And I went home and sang some sad karaoke songs. And had a beer. And decided, maybe friendship could work. Maybe there is still hope.

Then the next day there was a night football game event for the high school. It was my night with the kids so they went with friends and I met them there. H was coaching. Of course, as always, OW ends up being the first person I see as we are walking from the parking lot at the same time. UGH. But it was a big crowded event, and she stood right behind H at the fence, and I went to the other set of bleachers--so that wasn't a huge deal.

Anyway, when I met up with D12, she was wearing H's sweatshirt, but I brought her a coat. She gave me the sweatshirt and I put it in my car. the kids went off with their friends and I sat with some of my friends. I saw H on the sidelines shivering so I texted that I had his sweatshirt in the car. I saw him check the phone, then the old familiar rage flash over him. He walked off the field in the middle of a quarter. He came back with a hat and gloves and then sent me a text saying to keep it until he next has the kids. I guess he didn't want to risk OW seeing us being civil.

Of course, on Monday I found out from my L that both Ls had a preliminary conference and H was ordered to start giving me money. His L told mine that he mailed out two checks the next day. I just received them yesterday. So the rage also could have been that he is starting to lose. Anyway, seeing both sides of the coin in a matter of 24 hours was a harsh reminder that this man is very good a compartmentalizing. He can be who he thinks he needs to be given the situation. I'm sure even the tears in his eyes at the hospital as we made eye contact, was mirroring--rather than any real emotion.

He hates that his worlds are colliding. It has always been a problem he has had with our marriage. The fact that I was friends with his cousins before we met. The fact that we lived where he worked and where our kids went to school. It is very difficult for a man who needs to keep all of the aspects of his lives separate. It was enough to make him self-destruct--which of course was somehow all my fault.

I like seeing him from this safe distance. I feel like I am getting smarter. Less naive. I am learning to take my time while dealing with things. I am not forcing things to happen. I am letting go. In many different areas of my life. I think I am going to be a much more complete and fulfilled person at the end of this. I am learning that just because I want something, doesn't mean I have to settle for the first something I am shown. I can be patient and let things unfold. It isn't easy, but it is possible. And I am starting to see the benefit in doing so.

I am also learning that I don't have to be an open book at all times. I know that I have nothing to hide, and I try to live my life in a way where I won't be ashamed of anything that gets uncovered, but that doesn't mean that I owe anyone my story. I am learning to be private.