Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Hi Mustardseed! Last month you reached out to warn me. I want you to know how much I appreciate that. Sadly, it turns out you were correct. His venom literally caused me to have a breakdown. I spent the weekend under suicide watch.

Moving on, once I started thinking clearly again, I remembered your thread and kindness. Knowing that I wasn't alone in this nightmare has been more of a comfort than you can ever know. I resisted the truth for a very long time, thinking I was somehow going to save H from himself. After all that has transpired, I realize he doesn't want help, and I need to be worrying about ME.

I just want to thank you again. Reading through your thread now with the new eyes, I see so many similarities. This hurts, to know I was so blind. I want it not to be true, but know absolutely it is. How did you deal with things right after your H really showed his ugliness?

I just got through catching up on your sitch. First HUGS.... Living with someone like our H is truly crazy-making. They are good at their game. My I had a few breakdowns that all gave H leverage in his chess match. His checkmate happened when I really wasn't doing anything wrong at all. He played the entire game with the guise of being the "good guy"--The first OOP was limited--this one was after I confronted him while he was on the phone with OW, and when I tried to take the phone from him I ended up accidentally scratching him. In his report he stated that the scratch was an accident, but he made sure to use words like "harassing" in the report. Confronting a cheating husband is apparently harassment. He told me that they asked him if I needed to be removed and he said he would NEVER do that--he's not THAT guy (gag). The second OOP came as result of the fact that I didn't go to bed when he told me to. He sleeps in the couch, so me being in the living room when he wanted to go to bed was "harassment". I think the fact that the second incident was so ridiculous that even I--who had gotten so used to taking responsibility for EVERYTHING all of the time couldn't find a way to blame myself for was what really made me understand that V was right all along. Did I make mistakes--sure, but I didn't cause THIS. I am NOT TO BLAME. And neither are you.

WE ALL make mistakes. Calculating, manipulative people like our Hs are very good at using the mistakes of others' to deflect blame. They choose people who are used taking that responsibility--because it makes it so much easier to be awful but always look like the good guy. Good riddance. We are better off without them.

So what do you do now? You learn to let go. You learn to just trust that God (or whatever higher power you believe in) will take care of him. You are free now. He is not your responsibility. I am the kind of person that either reacts or forgives immediately. I am working on this with my IC right now. I am learning to feel angry. "BE ANGRY BUT SIN NOT". This is the verse I keep focusing on. And to do that, it means I have to be patient. I can feel anger, but I don't have to do anything about it--because that will only feel good for the moment. I will either feel remorse for reacting, or regret for permitting someone to treat me badly. I don't have to DO ANYTHING. Anger is a signal that boundaries are being crossed. It is useful. But in order to deal with it appropriately we need to take a step back and reassess.

Right now, my dear Ancaire, you need to just breathe. Stay present. You discovered the beast you have been living with. He has been working his magic to turn you. You realize what is happening now. But, you are not able to deal with it yet. He's been playing this game for a long time, and you are just learning about it now. You won't win if you try to go up against him, so all you can do is STOP PLAYING. Go DARK....Talk to you L. I know that it is nauseatingly expensive (but chances are your H will be responsible for part of your legal fees at the end of it all since you have been SAHM for a long time). Whenever I feel the need to react to a trap my H sent, I type out what I want to say but I don't send it. Instead I email my L ($100 for sanity) tell him what happened, what my instincts are, and ask for advice. I wait to hear back before I do anything--which usually takes a few hours at the very least and that time usually provides enough buffer for me to clear my head.

To save some $$$ post things here instead. It is much cheaper. I have been using my L because I know that the courtroom is the only realm where I have a chance in hell of getting justice with this man. So it is my way of throwing up punch and making contact, while still being NC.