Just chiming in to lend support and validate your feelings. We all go through stages where we feel exactly the way you do. It is 2 years from BD#1 and I am still wondering how it happened. It is ok to share your thoughts here. In fact, I encourage it. Better to air it out here, to a sympathetic ear.
That said, your last post suggests that are expending a lot of energy wondering, analyzing and thinking. Does it really matter when the R became irreparable or when the A actually began? These events are in the past. You can't drive properly if you are only focused on the rear-view mirror.
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If i had just backed off earlier, would my sitch be different? Or would I have just delayed the inevitable?
We all share these regrets. However, you are asking a lot of "what-if" and "if-only" questions. They are impossible to answer and will drive you nuts if you let them. They are also causing you to focus on a past that you cannot change.
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The one thing I do know is that I realized I had/have a lot of work I need to do for myself.
This is what you need to focus on, whatever happens in your R. you only dedicated a few lines to it in your last post. Perhaps you can list some goals that you have achieved or would like to achieve. It will place the focus back on you (instead of your W, or your past, or your regrets) and the things you can control.
