we need to start learning how to meet our own emotional needs. Your fears of her falling in love with some one else, or her leaving. WHAT DOES THAT ACTUALLY MEAN?
for me it meant that I was not worth of love. that is what those fears really meant to me. I was really afraid that deep down in my heart, no matter how much BS I typed here or in my IC sessions...I still felt deep down that maybe I wasn't worth it or capable of being loved. How sick is that for a man of 40 to believe that he is not worth it. And I know my wife has tried to show me that is not true all these years.
That my friend is the core of what the issues were in my marriage.
Because I was afraid I was not truly worthy of love: I got defensive of criticism,I tried too hard to prove by super husband, nice guy, I tried too hard to shower wife with affection to prove that I was worth it. my actions started to cause her to lose respect for me as a man because I put her on a pedestal and chose to supplicate myself to her needs and not my own.
that is not a mutually beneficial relationship.
I chose denial, and ignored the real issues. IDK, but it seems that before you drop the hammer (maybe it is time, maybe it is not...that is up to you completely) you need to do some real soul searching as to what is driving your fears. What is causing IS to get angry, upset, worried, etc.
I am no counsellor...I just know from experience right where you are at this moment in time, how anger / being upset could phuck things up for your future...it will obscure your path and your healing.
we need to start learning how to meet our own emotional needs. Your fears of her falling in love with some one else, or her leaving. WHAT DOES THAT ACTUALLY MEAN?
for me it meant that I was not worth of love. that is what those fears really meant to me. I was really afraid that deep down in my heart, no matter how much BS I typed here or in my IC sessions...I still felt deep down that maybe I wasn't worth it or capable of being loved. How sick is that for a man of 40 to believe that he is not worth it. And I know my wife has tried to show me that is not true all these years.
That my friend is the core of what the issues were in my marriage.
Because I was afraid I was not truly worthy of love: I got defensive of criticism,I tried too hard to prove by super husband, nice guy, I tried too hard to shower wife with affection to prove that I was worth it. my actions started to cause her to lose respect for me as a man because I put her on a pedestal and chose to supplicate myself to her needs and not my own.
that is not a mutually beneficial relationship.
I chose denial, and ignored the real issues. IDK, but it seems that before you drop the hammer (maybe it is time, maybe it is not...that is up to you completely) you need to do some real soul searching as to what is driving your fears. What is causing IS to get angry, upset, worried, etc.
I am no counsellor...I just know from experience right where you are at this moment in time, how anger / being upset could phuck things up for your future...it will obscure your path and your healing.
Anger is only present on the run or in the gym...I let it out after all I'm a Nice Guy
The quote above from you rhymes with my sitch. Im no counsellor either and over the last 3 years I have felt not worthy and buried my head in the sand. If she aint complaining everythings all right ...isnt it?
I want to be more assertive and shake her out of her comfort zone but also not to push her away.
She is out tonight, back at 9pm ish I guess, I will have more or less retired for the evening.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
That schedule of 'things' between now and Christmas seems like control to me. So, she's happy, how about IS?
OK, sex. Well, how do you change it? Me and NDY were discussing this last week. How many women have seen '50 shades' and think their sex life should be like that? I've watched the film and I was bored, to be honest. I just don't see any intimacy in it, just plain old fashioned manipulation. The problem is that she has probably bought in to all that and it's a fantasy. I don't think this is the place to discuss techniques, but do you use your tongue? Just a hint.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Yes I use tongues! When we had sex it was usually good, certainly I could satisfy her, but the frequency was not enough, and it was always in the bedroom and she initiated it.
3 wrongs.....but as MWD says in the SSM book....just do it! and most people find they enjoy it.
I wanted to start, and build intimacy from small beginning but she wont give it a chance. 'The love has gone''I dont want sex with you anymore'.
As regards the schedule, I cant stop her going out or away and part of it is her getting away from our sitch.
If she was into me she would be going out with me.She hasnt been into me for a long time now...6 months or so in this latest sitch and for longer periods before. And back 4 years ago....it was for 3 years
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/22/1504:56 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
OK, I didn't read the entire thread but seems a lot of talk about sex, and unless I'm missing something, not sure why that's even a topic if you're in this situation. When a woman emotionally detaches from a man, she no longer wants to be intimate with him. Sure, she might "put up" with it, but she won't enjoy it. Women need the emotional connection and then the physical follows. If your W is involved with another man, either as an EA or a PA, no way are you going to be able to rebuild that right now. Seems like we're putting the cart ahead of the horse, but again, I'm not completely up to date. I'll try to read through later and comment again.
Also, 4.5 miles in 30 minutes - very impressive!
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I agree 100%. Just to clarify my part, the only reason I said what I did about the sex, is b/c the H continued to lapse back into old patterns after each time the M nearly ended. Each time it was b/c not enough sex, lack of passion, or whatever. If the A ends, they have got to get help with the sex problems, if the M is going to last. That's what I meant when I said "fix". She has made her desires well known to him in the past.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with you both except I don't believe there is a EA/PA. I have no evidence and I know that isnt 'proof' but it is all I can go on without calling in a P.I. or asking her outright (of course she would deny - but she is a terrible liar and has a huge guilt complex)
It maybe slightly more complex as well because early in our relationship she suggested that she was abused as a child by her father. She never opened up about it and i let the matter drop as I still had to see her father in family events.
Our emotional and sexual disconnect started 7 years ago when I was an a**hole, a self centred passive aggressive who didnt support her when she needed it. I changed 4 yearss ago but we never addressed the sex problems.
So here we are.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/22/1508:44 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Today I feel a lot more positive - not sure why but partly its down to the reading I have been doing.
W goes away from Sat am to Mon PM with the kids to an old friends home about 200 miles away. Its a trip she does every 2 years or so. In the past I have gone but not every time. I will miss them but intend to keep myself busy with a few DIY jobs, 2 long bike rides with the cycling club (total 100 miles), catch up with some work emails and I might go out and get myself some new clothes! - shopping therapy! Im also trying to get out to watch a soccer game at a friends house.
I've decided to act happy - really happy. To get away from any negativity in the house, conscious or subconscious.
W responds to happy as she is a very positive person. I need to keep it up with every interaction with her.
At the same time it will be good for the kids, hopefully more laughter and fun in the house and it should help me to keep a more even mood - no more swinging from hopefulness to despair.
Next week the kids are off school, so Mon PM I will see them and then I have them all day Wednesday. We are going to a local castle for Halloween.
I also intend to practise some salsa via You Tube and go to my first absolute beginners lesson on Monday evening - If W asks where I am going I will tell her - let see what happens.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/23/1504:54 PM. Reason: Link
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
