Here's My Story...Need Guidance

[wiseman]

Another morning struggling through this whole situation. I feel the need to share my thoughts and get it off my chest.

I don't honestly don't know exactly when our marriage went down a path where it wasn't salvageable in her mind.

As I look back over texts from her, I start to wonder when this OM came into the picture. She picked up her 2nd job waitressing back in May and the late nights with friends started to really show in text in June. Back then I thought nothing of it and it wasn't until I found the text to her friend on 8/14/15 that I questioned her. She stated she just met him the week prior at the bar. Looking back, I feel like she wouldn't have said "I love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore" a week after meeting a guy. It had to be longer, but how long?

I think I shared this part before, but it still bothers me and makes me question a lot. About 2 weeks after I found the text, we both took the day off from work and just spent the day out together. We connected like never before and really opened up to each other. I was very honest with where I felt I went wrong and she was as well. As we were walking near the water talking about something irrelevant to the situation, she started crying profusely and said she didn't want a divorce.

After that, things rapidly declined. I think it might have had a lot to do with how much I pursued and tried to snoop. However, I didn't know how to handle a potential A and the rejection that came with it. At this time (and still now), she admittedly denies there is OM. This really forced me to try and uncover the A and led me to do things I regret. With the more space I gave her, the more I feared I was pushing her to the OM. I now know that I was doing more harm than good by suffocating her.

I struggle now because I may never know what caused her to truly quit and if I caused her to run the other way. If i had just backed off earlier, would my sitch be different? Or would I have just delayed the inevitable?

The one thing I do know is that I realized I had/have a lot of work I need to do for myself. Getting a GAL has been huge and working on not being Mr. Nice Guy (a pushover) has been eye opening. I had no confidence, no self worth, no life energy. After reading ... I believe these character traits caused me to have a lack of sex drive and sexual issues. It also most likely caused her to loose desire for me in that sense.

I have since made huge strides in improving myself in these areas and will continue to do so. I just wish there was a way for me to have recognized them prior to all this unfolding in my life.

Thanks for listening, I just had to get it out there.