have i been making mistakes too long part 7

[tkdmme]

old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...878#Post2617878

[tkdmme]

I have been thinking more about my IC telling me to start the legal process. I am not sure if this is good advise. He says that once the legal paper work starts showing up, it may wake her up to the reality of D. I think he means well but I think I agree with Huddy that it may be time to look far another counselor.

She has not done anything to pursue the D or a reconciliation. I think I may go back to basic DB.

Any thoughts?

[Azzork]

He says that once the legal paper work starts showing up, it may wake her up to the reality of D.

Anything that you do with the target of getting a reaction out of her is a waste of your time and could be taking you away from your goals.

If you dont want a divorce, why would you file for one?

[tkdmme]

I agree, but at this point im not sure If I want a divorce or not. Part of me wants to get out of the marriage but a part of me wants to make it work for the kids sake.

I definitely don't want a new relationship with the woman my W has become. However the reality of a D scares the hell out of me.

I don't want to have my time with the kids limited to every other weekend. I don't want to loose my house that I have worked so hard to get. I don't want my kids to think that I have abandoned them.

The problem as I see it is that she would drag this thing on and on forever until I finally go file for D. I am leaving soon for a new project out of town. I will have my own apartment that my company will pay for. She told me she is waiting for me to leave so that she can get her affairs in order and come up with a plan to go through with the D.

The truth is she would live in our house and let me continue to finance her life for as long as I was willing to do it. its like she is dangling the carrot. Nothing will change for her. I will be in a new town away from my family and continuing to worry myself sick. She would be living the life that she always has with the exception that I will not be there.

The biggest thing bothering me is this new project and leaving town. I feel the need to resolve the issue before I leave for some reason. Im scared that if things are not resolved one way or the other before I leave then we will get further apart. Im scared that my kids will start getting used to me not being around and that hey will not miss me.

The bottom line is Im scared.

[Sotto]

TK, I think it's always important to make decisions from a place of strength not fear. Sometimes when we are fearful, we almost want to bring things to a conclusion, even if that conclusion isn't what we want - just to end the limbo.

But from what you post, you don't sound ready to make this decision and there is no need to decide anything before you go away.

Enjoy the space your trip brings. Do some new stuff, join a couple of things. Keep in touch with your kids and see how you feel. Sometimes doing nothing (other than working on you) is the best option I think.

Take care

[tkdmme]

Sotto,

I understand and agree. This is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I am a habitual worrier. Even when things were good I would invent things to worry about. This took a huge toll on my M. My W was the only voice of reason that I listened to during these "panic attacks". She was my rock. She was always steady and absorbed my worry. She is an incredible person to have put up with me for as long as she did.

I have tried to convince myself that im not 100% responsible for the breakdown of my marriage but I have to face the fact that I am the one who caused this. That is where the guilt comes in. The guilt is overwhelming. Yes, my W is treating me like a stranger at this point but I caused it. I don't deserve her or anyone else for that matter until I can get a grip on my anxiety.

I know that everyone here will say its not all my fault but I know the that it is at least 95% mine. I have turned her into the cold hearted person she I now.

[tkdmme]

hello,

So my W went to see the MC last night for the first time since April. I don't know what to make of it. She sounded mad when she told me she was going. I pretty sure she wouldn't have gone without the being coerced by someone. I have talked to the usual suspects and they all tell me that they didn't know anything about it.

Does this mean she is trying to work on the M? I really doubt that is the case. Its just confusing. Should I ask her about it?

[Azzork]

So my W went to see the MC last night for the first time since April. I don't know what to make of it. She sounded mad when she told me she was going. I pretty sure she wouldn't have gone without the being coerced by someone. I have talked to the usual suspects and they all tell me that they didn't know anything about it.
I wouldnt go around back-checking and snooping. Accept it for what it is right now: a random act in the middle of a maelstrom. I hope that during your time there you validated her feelings and didnt share too much.

Does this mean she is trying to work on the M? I really doubt that is the case. Its just confusing. Should I ask her about it?
It's really not that confusing: it doesnt matter why she went. She isnt trying to "work on the marriage". You would know if she were. Maybe she just wanted to get some intel on you. Maybe she didnt have any plans and didnt feel like sitting at home. Maybe she thinks the MC is cute. Who knows. Of course, you can look for patterns or trends. But I wouldnt read anything into a single data point.

[tkdmme]

So the w told me that she went to the mc so she could tell her side of things. Why would she feel she needs to explain herself to a stranger?
S7 now S8 had his bday yesterday. Everything went well. We came home and I fixed the brakes on w car. Afterwords w thought it would be a good time to remind me that she wants D. She then started the spew about how she doesn't like it that I'm trying to be a better father. She said it bugs her when I post pics of the kids on fb. She says I'm only doing it to try to better my image in the eyes of our friends a family.
I'm confused. She didn't like the old me and she doesn't like the new me.

[Huddy]

OK, I know it doesn't sound positive, but if she's taking aim at you, she still cares, otherwise, she'd just shrug it off. As you say, why would you want to talk to a complete stranger about your relationship, if you didn't think there was something to talk about.

An odd positive, but what you're doing is working. I thought at the start if my W got upset at my 'improvements' it wasn't working. I got put right on that one, so press on. Well done that man!