Got home and conversation was a little businesslike - all about the kids and news from school.
S8 was at Cubs and S11 late trying to finish homework. I said I would be home at 8 and would get my own dinner but arrived back at 7 and grabbed some items to cook myself on the way. W said ' you should have said . I would've done you dinner'
Anyway later she asked if I would like to watch The Walking Dead after the kids were in bed. I said ok as it was difficult to turn down that offer.
The kids were tucked up later than usual so it was quite late when W again asked about the show. I initially said it was late, but she said 'I've been waiting all week to watch it.'
So we watched it together - old dynamic not new, at least tonight , maybe tomorrow.
She is never angry or resentful and tonight is typically her , waiting until I'm back before watching it together. No point in mind reading.
Onwards and Upwards.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/21/1509:53 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I had an IC session this morning, she can see no progress from last week, which is about right.
Everything is about the kids and the scheduling and not about the sitch.
So what do I do?
Maintain the status quo whilst working on me? and hope for what? That time and a little space will heal things a little? So that when the next R talk comes around as inevitably it must, that it will be harder for her to say we must separate?
Or?
Go a bit( or a lot) more cold? distance myself more? Dont make conversation, dont watch tv together, dont eat together, get out the house in the evening?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hang on, I thought she'd BD'd you? She's cake eating. Where's that list? It suits her to forget that list when it's something she wants to do. Hmmm...more work to do here IS!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Out of curiosity, about the sex thing, when you said you reconciled this past time, what did you do to address the sex issues?
Not enough!
If I remember , the first time in 2012, we visited Ann Summers together on a trip to London and bought some toys and sexy underwear, but after a few weeks/months these ended up in the wardrobe. I also bought her sexy lingerie as an anniversary present. These came out a few times on hotel trips away etc.
I guess over the course of the next 18 months things just drifted back to the old routine. I have a fear of rejection over sex and she wants me to initiate. She started to put 'barriers' up 'I dont want sex in the bedroom on Sat morning' in other words routine, boring 'chore' sex. Then she started to distance over the summer of 2014, which led to a confrontation in Oct 2014 and another in Dec 2014 with me protesting that W didnt give us enough Quality Time together either in the bedroom or socially (dinner dates etc). All the while I was good with the other stuff, Words of Affirmation, Support when things got tough in work and buying presents, getting a life - such as 6 cycling trips away with friends, running etc. The relationship was pretty good from most other angles.
This time around in Dec 2014, we tried to address the QT issues bywe going out a few more times in Jan but we didnt address the sex issues specifically. She sent me a few sexy picture messages and I replied in kind in late Jan. I was away for the week in Italy and then the following week in Ireland. She missed me (text) which was always a good sign . When she misses me - she loves me.
Anyway things drifted again - and looking back the process was speeded up. We last had sex in May, she put up more barriers or at least the barriers were in my head. Every weekend throughout the Summer would be busy, busy, busy, with camping trips (x4) holidays abroad (2 weeks), she had occasional girlie weekends away, I went on a cycling trip, visiting family etc etc. I remember we had sex in a tent, and once at 5am in the kitchen after an all night party in a friends house - childminder was upstairs asleep - I think she likes exciting, risky sex and finds other sex with me boring esp as - in her head - I dont believe she truly reconnects with me after reconciliation.
Intimacy drifts ,no sex, and the spiral accelerates, I dont rock the boat as I'm afraid of an R talk. Eventually I brought up an R talk via email - our communication on intimacy was so bad I sent an email!! I was so scared to approach her knowing that I would likely face a ILYBINILWY speech.
here is the email:
Just a short note to say that we need to break out of the rut that we are in.
I want more love, more cuddles, more spoons, more hugs, more kisses , more sex, more quality time, more time for just the two of us (whether its on the sofa or away for a weekend), more nights out, more walks, more holding hands, more massages, more foot rubs, more comedy nights, more theatre, more fine dining , more musicals….….. more of US
It’s a long list but its from my heart.
I love you and always will
Her response was to ignore it for a week and then I challenged her and got another ILYBINILWY etc
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/22/1511:03 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
The convo was all nice and friendly as usual and after initially asking about my day (i'm working from home today and tomorrow) she got down to the real task of scheduling the kids evening activities with hers and mine. S8 has a swimming lesson which she will take him to . S11 has a drums lesson from which I will bring him home. He then goes to scouts with his friend so I have to cook for myself and 3 boys . W is off to school with 3 mums for a 'curry' night.
Then she gave me a run through of all her and the kids activities between now and Xmas some of which I knew about and some of which were new. I gave her some of my work and leisure dates as well. We co-ordinated diaries until Xmas!
She seems happy to live the way we are until at least the New Year - co parenting in the same house.
Shes keeping busy with her social life: The next 4 weekends: - going to her friends with the kids for the weekend - going to a 50th party - going for a day to Manchester - Les Mills Gym Day with gym girlfriends - going away for Spa weekend with sister
The kids have Halloween and Fireworks day and other stuff planned next week when they are off school plus 2 kids parties and Xmas activities.
She hasn't excluded me from any of the kids activities except this weekend when she is going to an old friends house for the weekend Sat- Mon.
She has an Amicable in house separation all sorted - how do I change this dynamic!!!
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/22/1511:29 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hi is, that email... I cringes when I bread it. Not because I did not feel your pain, or because I believe you don't feel that longing...it is because it is something that i swear we feel like we have to do and it will not help. I've done it too.
Here is the deal that I've s3en. When we send these kinds of notes when we are dealing with any kind of WAW, they read it as...'no matter what you are going theough, my needs are more important right now. No matter if ypubAre trying, you are not trying hard enough. Even if you feel like your needs are not being met by me, I want you to meet mine' or at least something to that affect.
My wife knows I want her. She does not need me to tell her over again how much inwantnsex or spooning or whatever.
Yes I want those things. She is not in a position to give them to you right now. Period. If she does, it will only be pretend and it will be hollow and just build more resentment up.
We have to ask ourselves before we swndnthese sorts of notes -,does this sentiment come from a place of compassion and caring? How is this going to get usbcloser together?
Again...I do this too often writing notes to others that I'm trying to give the message to me., not chastising you...rather seeing things you've said and, because sometimes I don't see it in myself first.
I knew that email would bring things to a head. At that point she had withdrawn from me physically almost completely, nothing but a hello/goodbye kiss. I was desparate but still unable to approach her with a one-on-one convo.
In hindsight I should have silently gone back to DBing, this forum etc and worked on our marriage alone. The hole i'm in might not be so deep.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
More cuddles, spooning, and foot massages? This woman wants the Marlboro Man to ravish her!
Until the sex issue is fixed, she is going to be dissatisfied, and I think she'll be using some of these weekend trips with "friends" as a smoke screen to find the Marlboro Man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i cant 'fix' the sex issue now and her getting off with OM is my worst fear. If she does and I find out , it will be over for good.
Also, I try to remember that sex in the early days (first 3 years) was very very good....but....
So what do I do?
Go cold, separate? Knock her out of this cosy co-parenting lifestyle? How?
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/22/1512:32 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Just took my anger and frustration out on my running shoes 4.5 miles in 30 mins!
Decided to get p!ssed with her. Go cold and see what happens, it cant be any worse than this limbo.
I'll tell her she checked out of our marriage and im not going to sit around and be a BFF.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
