confused newbie 5

[Fogg]

Basically yes. When around her you want to be friendly and if she engages you in conversation listen and validate (when appropiate). Being cold and ignoring her would be a mistake. It would only go to prove she made the right decision because your trying to punish her

Other times GAL and don't be so available to her. Not because your trying to punish but because your living life to the fullest. I don't really care for the term dark because that's more for when you need to cut off nearly all contact with her and not something you can do living together and/or with kids. Pulling back and being less available is more where your aiming for(again, not becaue your punishing her but because you have so miluch life to live). Give her space to figure out her chit while you move forward.

Yes it hurts but remember your goals. To become the man only a fool would leave. Would that person be pissy and moan because someone is leaving them? No, they would see their value as an individual and realize they have a great life to live no matter who they are with. Another point to make is that she likely blames you for hwr unhappiness. As long as you stand ad an obstacle in her life she can never see the true cause of what's really wrong with her. That's why letting go is so important and removing pressure from her (some will always be necessary).

[dday]

That makes sense. I know that I am impatient. Everyone here, family and friends, etc... says to leave it alone and walk away from her. Maybe that is feeding my impatience? Not sure.

I don't want to pressure her. I want to show her that I am not whatever it is that makes her unhappy. It's weird, but now I am only uneasy and edgy around her. Everyone else, I'm fine. Before I was mopey all the time, the last few days I feel better. Stronger, more normal, more outgoing. Almost happy. I am actually happy with my life, other than my M. Kids love me and want to be with me. More friends and family than I know what to do with. GAL has been fruitful, and busy. Have things to do tomorrow and sunday to help people. Kids stuff in the mean time.

I am not detached, I realize that. Is the change in me the beginning of it? Or is it the fact that my being away from her is letting the luster fade from my idea of the M? Is that a step in detachment itself?

[Ancaire]

D, every mental step you take away from W is a step towards detachment. She takes up so much less of your thoughts than she did a month ago. You mainly miss the M lifestyle these days. I've observed your feelings undergoing change as you've come to grips with a choice that was forced on you. It all leads to detachment.

I just want to caution you to not let it lead somewhere negative. I know you love your W, while being very unhappy with her at the moment. She's obviously going through something she thinks she needs to be away from you to solve. Is it the right thing to do? No, not for people like us. But you need to be careful to leave your heart open for forgiveness. I don't know how your situation will turn out, but I know you don't want to live with bitterness.

She may realize her mistake. It might be too late when she does, you might have moved on. You're nowhere near ready for that now, I'm just presenting possibilities. But I bet the day will come when she does realize she erred. My hope is that it's sooner than later, but there's no way to know. I just want you to be in a good place no matter when. The WS is a truly disappointing creature. They are damaged on some level, not to be capable of honoring a commitment. All adults should be capable of selflessness, yet the WS seems oddly incapable. What went wrong? Why did they stop growing up?

These questions help me with developing compassion. Your WW will need it one day. Maybe you could start imagining her as a beautiful blue butterfly in a glass box. This poor thing has a broken wing. You can see it, feel fondly about it, but you can't take it out of the glass...you can only observe and speak to it. Taking it out of the glass before the wing has healed will harm it forever.

[Fogg]

Friends and family have a habit of looking at the pain were in and wanting us to take the quickest path out of it. Walking away from W wouldn't help your goals in the long run but removing pressure from her and letting go will. Keep a tiny bit of hope things will work out but don't think about it or focus on it(if thats what you want). Just enough to keep the door open and keep your actions from a place of love.

Detaching I've always associated to be like trying to fall asleep(but a much much longer process). You might understand the concept but the more you think about it, think how to get to it or think how close you are to it the harder it is to do. Don't think so much about how detsched you are, just think about your life and moving forward with it. It's unlikely you will ever be fully detached but doing the things that help you go in that direction are best to think about. GAL, working on yourself and focusing on what you need to do, etc.

It's a long path that goes back and forth but you are making progress so keep it up.

[mutatio]

Work on yourself, be a good dad, that's it. Anything else may open yourself up for disappointment.

[dday]

Getting back together is what I want, most days. Lately I have had days that I am not sure, but that may be a defense mechanism. I am able to go through life much easier now than a month ago, that's for sure. I can forgive her, she is hurt and felt backed into a corner. I don't agree, but I get it.

I will keep being the best dad that I know how. I love my kids, and they love me. Still love W. Just wish she would have the fog lift.

_____________________

I am grateful today:

Get the boys for a few days!

Had a good meeting with my priest, he says that I am progressing very well and that he us proud of me for it.

My weekend starts tonight. I'm ready for it

[dday]

Thanks Judy, I love the butterfly comparison. Mutatio, you are right that I set myself up for disappointment, no expectations right? I see why they teach that.

I believe that we will be together again, after she sees the reality of her decision. I think that the belief is holding me back somewhat, but I don't think I should let it go. Maybe I should?

This is all tough, and more so than I would have ever thought. I've seen others go through D, and it seems they are better so much sooner. Better actors?

[Fogg]

I'm not really sure about letting go of that belief she will see the reality of her decision. When talking with my coach he told me to look for the positives and keep hope but to make sure I'm not focusing on it. To really look at my life and what I need to be doing. I think it was more so that I don't completely shut that door which is what most people do after being in this sitch for several months. So maybe its don't expect she will change or see the reality of her mistake but keep a sliver of hope she does. Coach also told me disappointment is fine and can be dealt with later and to not ignore what is happening in the sitch because you don't that disappointment. I've noticed before the advice with forums and coaches do conflict at times and maybe the forum advice is geared more toward saving the individual and reducing that pain where the coach is the M.

[dday]

Thanks fogg, I don't want to give up hope. I truly do want my W back, if she wants to commit and make us a priority. We have so many great memories, that I am reminded of us often. Seeing things on TV or whatever, even the state quarters. Got a "blue Ridge parkway" one last week. We were on that road on the vacation that she felt our S8 move during our first pregnancy.

I still look for signs, constantly. Which I need to stop, because then I wonder about them, and then I am disappointed. Limbo is awful.

[Fogg]

Yeah limbo can be awful but I think at the same time the tension of it is beneficial to us in making changes and keeping on the path.

Keep hope as long as you can/want. I still do myself even thought where im at in my journey I'm also trying to accept she will never change or come back. Letting go and trying to grieve that loss of expectation. It might seen these go directly against each other but there's a method to my madness, lol.