Have a good trip Mutatio. What a beautiful weekend to be going to Boston! Its' probably too late now as you are most likely already traveling, but I was going to suggest an audio book for the car ride if its a long trip- maybe something positive or funny to fill the silence.
I also struggle with the thought that the silence might be reinforcing H's perception that there is nothing left between us. But that can apply to any aspect of DB. If I don't pursue, will he think its over. If I do pursue, will he be turned off. If I GAL will he think I don't need him and then its over. If I don't GAL will he think its more of the same. Its hard to know what to think, so I am sticking with DB, because obviously if my instincts were right I wouldn't be in this situation to start with.
By saying what you've said, it makes me wonder, do you have a plan and goals? I suspect not and if so, have you decided when you are going to do the work to create them so that you can start taking back control over your life? This might appear to be a 2x4, and it is but it's applied with the very best of intentions, as you are so kind to so many. :-)
The fundamentals of DB'ing start with goals and plans, it not possible to say you are truly DB'ing until you've got them in place and they are fully tested according to the text in the DR book.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi, I'm hurting right now. Yesterday was my son's birthday. We were sitting around the table, sang and had cake. Really nice moment. My wife was taking photos with her phone. She takes a good one and shows my son and daughter and does not even think to show me. Later he's opening his cards and gifts. My wife always buys the cards and signs them for both of us. My son reads our card and thanks his mother for the message. He says nothing to me. I check the card later and she left me off the card. These two events have left me feeling very hurt.
If this is how she wants to treat me? What does it say about our marriage? I am so hurt and despondent about our marriage. Do you wise people think I should tell how hurt she made me feel about the photo and the card? Should I be silent? I don't know what to do.
I know how that feels, but this is common in the phase we are in. We do not factor into any consideration. They don't want to think about us as it is too painful or they are too angry. So they don't.
Time to take responsibility for buying gifts, signing cards, calling the kids' grandparents on their b-days so they can talk with your kids if it falls on your custody days. Even if you recover your M, it is important to do a lot of this care for the family rather than delegating it. You'll be glad your W has taught you this painful lesson if you make use of it.
Further, you remained invisible to her, as she did what she does, now without taking care of the part she did for you. You stepping up and taking care of this for yourself will likely be noticed and one of the little ways in which you are demonstrating that there is a different you. One who pulls his weight in areas that she had held all the responsibility in. One who employs his caring, creative side in making those he loves happy.
On your son, I'd suggest in a moment alone, you consider confessing that you let his mom handle all of this in the past and that this was wrong of him, that it doesn't reflect how important he is to you, how much you love him and want him to feel appreciated and loved by you. He'll be moved by the example of you both showing the love and feeling we men are often trained to hide as well as your standing up and taking responsibility for yourself. A great opportunity for moving closer to your son. Again, you can be grateful to your W for making you aware of this and giving you the opportunity to grow.
It still feels like a betrayal (I know from going through something similar w/ my W) and hurts. It does not mean that she is done considering and including you in her plans, just that for right now, that is what it is.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Mutatio, do not say anything to her. She knows exactly what she is doing and she wants you to feel excluded. Just follow As's advice and try not to let it get you down.
Mutatio...so sorry, my friend. You are correct, it was no accident. Any of us would experience hurt over that.
Just take on the responsibility of cards for yourself. I'm pretty sure your son was aware of what she did, too. It had to have made him feel uncomfortable.
