V is for Vanilla 23

[Vanilla]

That's what we should hold out for, huh? All-in, remorseful, willing to do anything: without that, there isn't really much chance of a solid R. It would be a matter of time until the entire thing blew up again.

I am learning, Ms Wise One.

You got it.

Now for your quick, I will do my best to put my thoughts clearly.

However Anc, you are mind reading WH feelings as disgust. None of us has a clue, I personally tend to the view he is struggling to get control back, although none of us can be sure. The fear here may be loss of esteem in others eyes. There is usually a fear somewhere along the way.

It really doesn't matter very much why. It could be because he prefers to eat spinach, his toe hurts, or he fancies having a wild time. What WH thinks of you is his business, none of your concern, what you think of you is more valid.

The important thing is you, getting you back to the best you can be. If you decide you want an R with your WH then it can be from a very healthy standpoint. Personally I want to see you strong and fully healed and there is a long period in which you have been run down physically and mentally.

Your WH hasn't even got to any type of realisation phase, he is still crowing his apparent victory over his W.

In my view you can enjoy a healthy recovery period involving 100% NC for a very long time. My big concern is that as in Mustardseed case, you get angry, enforce boundaries, and end up isolated and with a non molestation order of some kind.

That is why I recommend you get away as soon as you can, it is best not to be triggered again. Be safe.

Is there anywhere safe you can go? Visit a friend or relative in the country or city? Hire a small room somewhere that you can get peace for a while.

NC means for a long time, in my case my physiology is taking 6 months to settle down and I am 6 months of pitch black NC. Blocking calls, texts, emails and contact is only through L.

Record all interactions if you can. Watch out, tactics by WH have worked so far, he struts enough. When that stops, beware, another tactic may be going on and it likely isn't in your interest. Has this WH got your best interest at heart, has he behaved lovingly, kindly and with care towards you?

That's rhetorical, and being such a softie myself, I tend to impute the best motives, this may be very difficult in your case. With Msd, I was hesitant and my warning wasn't clear enough to her, wasn't written in strong enough language. GG, was my saviour on this and called it, she said " you are being abused V, and Wonka told me to be safe. I listened, when @H left on 2 May. I decided he should not come back, I wavered several times but GG and Edz and Sotto kept me strong. Dawn was my guiding light, my beacon, and fortunately even though WH kept showing up, I stayed NC. It was very hard.

I can not say this enough my lovely, you are no longer alone oK? There are tough days ahead, but keep posting and the lovely folks here will keep on offering you their support.

As you are now spellbropen, you will also be a spellbreaker too. You will spot this in others sitches, just as Msd did in yours. You can now not unknow. As you are spellbropen, others who really care about you will come forward and disclose, they are safe to do so as you are now listening and no longer enthralled. Things may be disclosed that horrify you, in my case gambling debts, Many other women throughout our R, visiting dating websites, WH saying he would be better off if I were dead. Saying I was ugly and a dog, like many women on dating websites. That wasn't disgust but it is disgusting.

Msd, Z (although she is having a break from the board) Greengrass and myself are further along the road to recovery. Some of WH behaviour will baffle you. Ignore any advice which suggests you forget odd behaviour, mind reading is out and take the most protective stance for you that you can.

Please Google the grey rock technique, your aim is to be as bland and inoffensive as possible. As blah as you can. I went further than that and I did breeze block. I put up a grey conreate wall and hid behind it. I dress as ugly as I can, appear as blah as I can sometimes in case I run into someone who knows him. If asked I say I am doing OK, I talk about the garden, weeding, some boring TV show or the effects of the weather. I talk about my white van a lot. Incidentally a small van is a great idea in this sitch. It's so bland and blah, and cheap to run. Get a good L and hold your cards very close to your chest.

My favourite resource website at the stage you are at was healing hurt, it's a practical UK based charity website.

I am hereally for you, I am sending you every ounce of my rainbow strength. Whatever you decide, it's always your choice. Heal from the physiology up, take extreme self care with your health and this is the long haul.

Peace and big big hugs

V