Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

[Vanilla]

So with triangulation, a person is lying with a conscious motivation to manipulate?

I don't do that. I do talk about my relationship when I am frusturated though. When I was reading about it, I got a sick feeling that my behaviors have been abusive. Dysfunctional definatly but I would never ever want to be abusive to someone. Sometimes when I read the complaints that posters have of their spouses I recognize that I am guilty of those behaviors.

Doesn't have to be conscious, can be subconscious. There is manipulation at best, lies at worst. Exaggeration or charm.

The idea is to get the third party to act in your shoes, and do your dirty work. It involves more than mere complaining, if it were just complaining we would all be in trouble.

Can aloo be a dynamic where someone uses 'poor me' to get a third party to side with them against another, so the other stands in their shoes. They aren't asking for help directly.

Zeus is right. However complaining and bitterness about another's behaviour can be an excuse to defer action or soothe. Sometimes that's valid if there are no remedies. Often others see that as emotional blackmail, in which case they dig their heels in, or the person complained to secretly supports the other party.

Often we need support, it's better to make observations than complaints. That means you are more likely to get helpful support. If however your complaint is valid then eliciting support can be helpful. For instance some of my friends gave me witness statements as support for my non molestation order.

It is how you do this. Are you looking for help and support for you? Are you asking for the third party to intercede on your behalf? Or are you asking the third party to verbally or physically stand in your shoes for action and then you stand back?

Example:

WH isn't paying CS, I am distressed and unsure what to do. To your best friend isn't triangulation

Can you speak to WH on my behalf please, the CS hasnt been paid again and I know he listens to you. To his dad and this isn't triangulation, it's a request, DaD can say no.

Or

Go beat up WH for his child support for me, emotionally, financially or physically because he hasn't paid me the CS. WH is a very bad person, poor me, this keeps happening to me.
To a group of neighbours.

Your boundary on CS is breached, you tackle WH yourself, if it keeps getting breached then you involve authorities or take legal action. You have a safe person, your bestie for instance you let off steam with, not everyone around you.


V