Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Hi Mr. bond, I've read DR many many times in the last 4 months and have been practicing LRT to the best of my ability. I do struggle with detachment probably because H and I are amicable and I still love him.

It's also so hard to DB when I only see my H for a total of 2 mins every week during dog swap. A couple weeks ago, I honestly thought I saw baby steps because he initiated 2- thirty minute conversations in 2 weeks. Then two weeks later he tells me he's ready to start dating other people.

I think I did somewhat ok with my response when he told me this. I said, "thank you for telling me. I appreciate you being open and honest. I respect your decision, but I am disappointed. You are not my hostage and I understand the only thing keeping us together is the piece of paper that says we're married. The problem is, that piece of paper still holds a lot of value to me. "....and then here's where I really messed up..." Knowing that this is in direct violation to my values I need to decide what I need to do next and I'm not ready to make those decisions because I have some fight left in me."

He thanked me for saying what I said. It was a 180 for me b/c I always used to hold my feelings in. He noticed and said it was huge of me to express my feelings so succinctly. But now I'm stuck wondering how to follow-up on my statement with actions- hence the cheesy facebook dilemma.

Anyway, I got to practice some more 180's today ( for my personal benefit). This morning, my car wouldn't start. It seemed like it was the battery and I had to call aaa for a jump. Turns out it wasn't the battery and I had to call for a tow truck to take me to the dealer. this should have been stressful for me, but I was completely calm and independent. Handled it all on my own- even though I wanted to call h and ask for advice/guidance on what he thought it may be. Plus it flashed into my mind how great it would be if I lived at our home and I could take our third car and just deal with this crap later.

I am proud of how calm I was because I was hosting a 300 person conference in the afternoon and normally I would have been freaking out. Instead I was full of peace and love. I'm not a vocal or aggressive person, but these things stress me out especially on such an important day. However, I was totally zen and it was completely natural and authentic- I wasn't forcing it! I had to laugh at my tow truck driver because when he dropped me at the dealership HE ran out of the truck, across the street, and to the service desk to say, "she needs help right away she has a conference to get to in less than 30 mins!!!" I just had to laugh and appreciate the goodness in people. He made my day!