Triangulation (Differences between WAHs and WAWs 4

[Zues126]

Hey Julie. I love this forum but also get a bit overwhelmed by the diagnoses and labels. On the one hand there are things that should never be minimized or put up with. Abuse. Not protecting your rights financially or with your children. Boundary issues. Etc. But one thing I know is that we are all flawed humans. If we followed everyone around with a video camera and recorded them throughout their lives and their M we could make anyone out to be a villain. I'm not suggesting it's no big deal and we shouldn't try to grow, I just don't know that I'd be so quick to label yourself as abusive. Or your WAH. You're just people with problems.

If I've noticed two things (and this isn't some big breakthrough) it's that 1) you've got a lot of rage, and 2) you're very focused on your WAH's behavior as a reason for your rage. I wouldn't call it abusive, but it could definitely be a destructive cycle where the more anger you have towards him the worse his behavior gets.

Men need to feel approved of, appreciated, desirable, and admired by their partner, and that is most often felt through physical acceptance. If you're raging at H and in turn neglecting those needs because you don't feel he deserves to have his needs met or you can't be loving when you're so upset with him, well, that's not healthy for the relationship.

But relationship aside- and I think it's a good idea to leave the relationship aside for a bit because you could use stronger defined boundaries- that rage comes from you. Rage is just pain transformed. Being angry at him is a reaction to feeling hurt from him. And when you list out the behaviors that hurt you, oftentimes it hurts so much because you're already wounded in those places. Like if you have a sun burn and he pats you on the back and you scream at him for hurting you. If you have a deep inner pain that you avoid by using him to medicate, then when you don't get what you need from him you'll think he's the cause of your pain, and you'll be angry that he doesn't love you enough to fix your broken heart.

I know, because I've been there and done that.

Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but what I have learned is that if we're ok with ourselves, ok on our own, and don't have any gaping wounds...then what other people do doesn't hurt us to the same level...and that means we don't react to the same extreme.

So if I were you I'd be following the chain back to you. What does he do that makes you angry. Why does this hurt so much. Where in there are you looking to him for self care that you need to do for yourself? If you can learn to truly take care of yourself, nurture yourself, meet your own emotional needs, and stop the bleeding in your heart, then I think it will be easier to set good boundaries, radiate more positive energy, and ultimately be a better partner (while you need a partner less).

So I agree that while our WAS's behavior is outrageous, hurtful, and inappropriate at times, I think when we feel this much negative energy it's a sign that we have to work on ourselves. I know this is super obvious and I'm sure you've thought these thoughts before, it's just really easy to jump on the "WAH is a jerk" bandwagon which doesn't stop your pain. For now the more you can leave him out of this the better. Boundaries and healing IMHO.