Hi Sotto. I am sorry about your dealings with H. I hope in time it gets easier as you get stronger. I like the 48 hour rule. It helps to take some time to process before responding.
I love the ghost tour, I hope it was fun! I enjoy anything ghostly but can only handle so much because I get easily freaked out. S and I watch Ghost hunters in small doses. We actually have a haunted restaurant in town that is fun to go to, but I get scared to go to the bathroom alone! Lol.
Keep the smiles coming, hope you have a better week
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Updated myself on your thread and well will put my nose here.
First, sorry to hear about the furry one, it is heart breaking, but you had a good time in life with her and that's what counts, any idea of getting a new one? They are lovely, and it is a way to love the new.
Regarding the whole D ordeal, I think like department store. One thing is the emotional side of the R. You love this man and is willing to forget and forgive if things come to that. But the other front is the business side, and that is where everything must be clear, clean and on the table for a fair settlement.
It is uncomfortable, annoying but necessary. It was time investment, you cleaned, cooked, gave him a family, even took care after his son. So, it is more then fair that on the financial side of it, you are the 50% investment.
Don't let go on anything or you will regret later if you find out you have been cheated again. As an MLC, he will try to take advantage whatever he can, he is not seeing this with so much caring, all what he wants is to get his way and dream about a great life he will finally build for himself.
Unfortunately for him, all his actions have consequences and one of them is the financial side of it. Maybe he needs to face them head on, and do some growing up himself.
You have all your GALs honey, but at the end of the day you are alone taking charge on your life. So, stand tall and go for what is right for yourself. Don't be afraid of what your H will think about, that you are greedy thinking about money or whatever. It is your right, the law is in place to protect you (and him as a matter of fact), so use it as a guidance of what you can or can't do.
In my opinion, leaving it easy for him is just silly, he may be amazed of how strong a woman you are. You stand firm on your resolutions. He can cry, scream and play the poor me now, but he will need to step up and face all his mess. If nothing comes out of this, at least he will remember you are not another of his toys.
Remember that as an MLC he will try to pull the carpet from under your feet. He is not thinking straight right now, all what he needs is to please himself and get away with whatever he can.
Regarding your work friend. There is nothing wrong to date someone. The thing here for me is that you are facing things as very formal dating.
First, going out with whatever man at this point brings a question of how are your needs. You have been away from your H for quite a while, so you are not close to anyone during this time. If you go out with someone and have drinks, does that will end up going to bed with that person?
Being lonely makes us vulnerable to touch, caring, and if things head up to that, then it is something to consider going out with a work friend.
Lets say you go for dinner or drinks with this guy and things get a little heated and you two have a good time. There will be the next day. Could you face him the next day at work? Would it be awkward?
Now, if you just want to have a male company and get to know someone a little better and has it clear the limits of the encounter, then it is not really a formal dating. It is just having dinner and getting to know someone a little better.
This guy could easily be in this forum, and getting advice to give himself a chance to know someone nice and rebuild his life, open his options and heal his wounds from his own divorce. Maybe he is also very scared of it all too.
Know what you want and let the pieces fall in its place. You are married by circumstances and by your own choice, not because you are living a married life. Don't bother yourself about being married. Let yourself fly a little bit and take things in small steps. No big dates with formal titles but a chance to know someone new with new perspectives, maybe a new friend that will last forever, instead of a prospect new partner.
There is also a part of you that has a lot of resentment, hurt and a strong desire to break your H nose with a big punch in the face. It's natural and perfect healthy to feel this way. Only time will heal this part inside of you.
There is this infinite pain that comes and goes and you need to deal with the normal life every day pretending that all is well when the truth is that you want to scream to the world that it hurts and you can't take it no more.
Well, good news is that you will make it. It is unbearable right now, going through a divorce is very painful, but you can do it and will do it with grace, charm and respect for yourself. Later, things will settle a little bit more and a sense of peace will start filling yourself with a new life.
If your H comes back, you will deal with it then, if not, you will have a world of new adventures ahead of you. And I know well that it is not an easy task on our age. Well, we are not dead yet, and may have the experience we need to choose wisely what we want next. There is a lot of jerks out there, but there is a lot of good people too, we just need to know who we are and what we need in the first place.
You are an amazing and strong woman. Even if it hurts right now, please stand for what is right for you during this divorce, don't let go on anything, let your H knows you respect yourself and that he needs to face his own consequences.
Don't go on dates if you don't feel like, instead have a dinner to know someone new, to share some pain since it is a person that is recently divorced too.
If you feel this guy is a good prospect, then you go for a second dinner. Who knows?
Life is short and we need to live it, you deserve to be happy, to kiss, hug, make love. The loneliness we feel during divorce is a great deal, so think about yourself and your needs and give it to yourself... the chance of rebuilding a life that is yours to live.
I learned to love you and care about you even without knowing you personally. I wish the best for you and I know many of your pain. I hope and pray that life will turn and put you in a better place and that you will just look back one day and see how a great person you are.
I will update my thread soon, there is so much to tell. I have been a good and bad girl, but have been learning to pay more attention in my own self and what I love the most. My X or "the dinosaur" as the kids and I called him, is still feeling sorry for himself. He is broke, broken and sorry his life is miserable. Well, too bad, maybe he just need a few years of his misery and then he will start learning the meaning of "family".
Pink, thanks so much for stopping by, and for your long message of support. I really appreciate it. The whole 'insisting on accounts' thing stayed on my mind. I ended up contacting H again to say I didn't want to cause a big headache for him, or huge legal bills for us both. I said that if there were a quicker or simpler way of providing evidence that there are no assets, he could let me know. I did this before I read Pink's message above!!
He emailed me back today and said he hadn't asked for the accounts as he'd been reluctant to inconvenience his business partner who is busy. He said accounts haven't yet been pulled together for any of the companies, but it did seem that everyone wants documents disclosed and he agreed this was the right thing to do even if it's a pain. He has now asked the guy to do this, but he doesn't know when he will get them.
He said he should have sorted it all out properly a while ago and he apologised and thanked me for my understanding. Even called me by his pet name for me..
So there we are. Looks like accounts are on the way!
Pink, thanks for your thoughts on 'dating' too. I do need to wrap my head around this at some point. Though nice guy at work has been out of the office recently, so no recent contact with him. I'm looking forward to hearing what you have been up to my friend.
Otherwise, all is good and I'm just taking a tea break from WFH today. Take care all xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have done the fins on several divorces and valued accounts etc. I have never seen a bill bigger than 15k in an uncontested D and that was a complex sitch with many assets.
Don't be fooled into feeling like you have to sooth. Look after you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
How are things going for you? I know it is a hard and difficult time to process. There is a lot of anguish, and there will be for a while. It's our own roller coaster to live.
I had my struggles but I feel a tiny itsy bit better now. Some stuff still hurts a lot, but I see myself with more clarity and the sadness is not always present.
It's one day at a time, tomorrow will be a better one.
Hope you are busy having fun with your sister. I miss my three sister back in Brasil. It's lovely to spend some time with the ones we love.
Hello V, thanks for the wise words on the financials. I think the figures quoted were for a contested D...but I couldn't be sure without checking. It sounds to me as though H's L has also advised him to declare and evidence everything - presumably so there isn't any potential later comeback. I guess the downside (and maybe upside) for me is a delay in resolving things, but that's not the end of the world and really until we get a buyer for the house we do have the gift of time.
Pink, thanks for your kind words. I do still feel anguish and I do still find myself processing things. I wouldn't say my life in general is sad, but there is a veil of sadness for this particular part of my life. I'm still working on releasing anger and I do primal scream in the car sometimes as driving is often when I think.
I chopped carrots the other day and imagined they were OW's fingers and the thought didn't even make me go eww - I just chopped even harder. I still struggle with the unfairness of her stepping into 'my life' when her last R was also an A and ended her former partner's M too - and then she cheated on him with H. I feel she isn't deserving but then a R with H, given where he's at probably isn't a great gig either.
But, I'm doing okay, given all circumstances. It's been a bit of a quieter week socially this week and I find my PMA is better when I do more - but I do need a bit of recharge time too. I've been working away today and I'm seeing a friend tomorrow afternoon. Plus I have plans to see SS and his Mum Monday night. Then my divorce recovery workshop starts the following week. In many ways, I just keep moving forward, trusting in the process, reading, learning and hoping that all will 'fall into place' (in whichever way) at some point....
Thanks for stopping by xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
After reading your last post I need to say that I admire you a lot and many times look forward to all your wisdom.
One thing that makes me really proud of you is that you are facing it all with honesty. You are face reality and working on real issues related to you and others.
You are indeed learning and I am sure the if there is a next person in your life, it will be a lucky one. You have lots to offer and became a woman only a fool would live.
Be very proud of yourself and see how much you have done and progressed. I know the wounds are there and they hurt a lot. But with time, you will become happier and find the life you deserve, maybe with someone that will love you and value and respect you for all what you are.
Hanging in there sis, life will get better for us.
Keep on chopping those carrots! It's a nice way to get rid of frustration, especially if the fantasy was the ow's fingers! I laughed too.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
