Feeling a lot better after the best sleep for 3 nights.
Last night went well. After tiptoeing around each other for 10 minutes we both relaxed and conversation was good. After dinner (I cooked for me and the boys W wasn't hungry)we watched TV as a family. W made me a cup of tea - a 180 for her! I helped get boys to bed and then excused myself early (9:15) so that W wouldn't get all cosy on the sofa watching her favourite TV shows. She watched them alone.
This morning W greeted me by her pet name for me - the first time in two weeks. W is working from home as childminder is away on holiday. As soon as boys were off to school I excused myself and went out.
Soon I'm off for a two hour bike ride then a longish drive to my hotel for the next two nights. I detaching from her mentally and physically - to change the dynamics - she wont use me as a BFF or a crutch to vent her problems.
I intend not to text or phone her unless strictly necessary. I will also SKYPE the Boys before bed .
Onwards and upwards
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/19/1508:45 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Hello Is. Sounds like you are off to a great start this week!! I have been thinking about what you wrote the day about the One Up partner and the One Down, I think that is how my H views me - he just keeps repeating " we are too different people". In the past that was always our biggest strength that is why we complimented each other so well. The things that your wife is saying have also come out of my H mouth. I still find it so amazing how the WS all say such similar things. Keep up you forward momentum!
Have you read the Passion Trap? There is some truth in it
i.e. most people marry a similar social class, with similar levels of attractiveness and similar tastes. Its all about the dynamics of the relationship going all wrong after the first few years of unconditional love. The One-Up will distance and the one down pursue leading to more imbalance etc etc.
Anyway 2 hour bike ride complete (40 miles in 2 hours :))
W engaging me in plenty of conversation asking about future work bookings, showing me her new winter running clothes. Cant shut her up
Trying to just be polite, friendly, and create a little banter ...now off to the hotel, and a little distancing.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/19/1512:52 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
W texted me within 20 mins of leaving, then a phone call 1 hour later... LOL!
I ignored the txt as I was driving and let msg go to voicemail.
Will ring her later and speak to kids. Must be careful not to cut her short...
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Today was more difficult as I had a fitful nights sleep in a hotel bed. Much prefer my bed!
Spent a good deal of thinking time pondering the positives and negatives of the interactions over the last few days between me and W. I swung between optimistic and despondent and have to remind myself its a long road to D. For every 'positive' there seems to be an equal and opposite 'negative'.
Before the BD , whenever I was away on a business trip, W would ring me at 7am on her way to work and we would chat for 30 mins as she drove to work.It was always a nice way to start the day. Now no calls and it makes me sad.
It was hard to concentrate on the work course..all day.... very hard.
But I did start to crystallize plans to learn to Salsa dance.I looked up some local classes to where I live and started to watch and try basic dance steps from U Tube videos.
I figure that its a GAL I can opt into or out of as I travel around the country with my job and its got an added bonus as my W likes to salsa dance. She danced Salsa before I met her (intermediate) but more or less gave it up after S11 was born. If she finds out I am doing lessons - she will sit up and take notice.
Maybe its a bit early to start a more radical GAL - but at least I can practise in my hotel rooms!
Rang W to speak to the kids just before I went to my confernce meal with colleagues. W had had a difficult evening yesterday with S11 who seems very hormonal (lots of tears for little reason). He is very tired after a taxing first 6 weeks in Senior school. He is getting up early for school and even earlier when I am away on business.
I validated W's feeling on this and then asked to speak to kids - She got a little sore 'Is that all you want to speak with me!' I said I only had 5 mins before meal - she accepted this.
She wants to sack me as H but still wants long convos re kids etc...we will see.
Onwards and upwards. Tomorrow I am back home around 8pm and have 3 nights with the kids before they have a weekend away with W at her friends house 200 miles away.
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/20/1510:02 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
A better nights sleep - so should be a better day.
I've been reading Sandi2 loss thread: about how a WW needs to feel real loss before they will move towards H.
As a result of these actions by the H, the WW experiences loss of the H's availability, his presence, his intimacy, his physical affection, his meaningful conversations/interactions, his attention & closeness, his acts of service, his words of love & affirmation, quality family time, and his financial assistance/support.
So for now I will not txt phone or email her. I will reduce acts of service I will make myself scarce after the kids are in bed - minimise my physical presence I will not initiate small talk but be engaging and polite if she initiates it. I will not give her words of affirmation - no saying she looks great in that dress/outfit - something I always did. I will turn my love to my kids. I will be a part of their bedtime routine. I will help with their homework. I will help with their post school activities.
Onwards and Upwards
Last edited by Cadet; 10/23/1504:56 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Things I can do in the evenings to make myself scarce without her getting offended that 'I am ignoring/blanking her'
Usually we would settle down in the evening (9pm-10:30) to watch a bit of TV: Our favourite shows have just started a new Series 'Walking Dead' and 'Homeland'- she will ask why I dont want to watch them. Of course, She might have watched them while I have been away these last 2 nights - possibly.
Anyway: I can read a book in the same room. I can go do some weights. I can sort through some admin stuff in the office. I can practise Salsa in my bedroom - no music just watching vids
I dont watch to precipitate an R talk by my actions and words':
'Why dont you want to watch TV with me' 'TV isn't important to me right now'
seems the best answer
Sorry to bore you guys with the tedious details of my life
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Just saw a FB post from W to a mutual friend saying: 'Really looking forward to watching Walking Dead tonight, Cant wait'
Its scheduled on Monday nights so she is waiting for me to come home tonight to watch it.
Do I make an excuse not to watch it or just watch it with her?
Old Dynamic or New dynamic?
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/21/1507:58 AM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
and it makes me sad.