Here's My Story...Need Guidance

[sandi2]

Sandi2, I have been reading a ton of your posts on several different threads and your perspective is truly enlightening.

I definitely can relate to vise82 and many other H in these forums.

I too fall into the "nice guy" category and have been submissive/passive throughout our 5 year marriage. We are currently going through the divorce process, but living in the same house. I have detached a great deal, but now find myself struggling with her noticing the 180 I have been doing.

Our interactions are almost non existent. We say hi in the morning, hi in the evening (after work) and might have a sentence or two about the kids. I have started working on GAL and we have created a schedule on what days we will go out. She was the one that wanted to go out on a regular bases and for that reason I found it necessary to create a schedule where we alternate every day. This way I can work on my GAL and not become a built in babysitter.

I have a few question to you Sandi2.

-If there is anything I should do differently to start showing I am confident and assertive. Again, I don't have any real meaningful interactions with her now. How can I show this?

-You've talked a lot about the W needing to respect her H in order to get away from the friend/brother category. She continuously stays out until 1,2 or 3am on her days. In fact, last Friday she was out until 5:45am!. I confronted her on this and she basically said "you can't tell me what I can or can't do". With our current situation I can't force her to come home by a certain time and thus have little ability to enforce. Should I just let her stay out and not care? Does it appear as if I am pursuing? Or am I doing the opposite and causing her to feel like she can continue to disrespect me and walk all over me?

-Should I invite her to do activities as a family? Seeing that it Fall and almost Halloween, the kids have several events coming up. I plan on taking them to these and also pumpkin picking this weekend. Thoughts?

I don't know if our marriage is salvageable based on how far down the path of D we are and the lack of interactions we have. I am working on me, but don't know if I am being too cold for her to even recognize I am changing and being the best me.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Okay, I may need to ask for clarification. What do you mean that you struggle with her noticing your 180's?

First thing to do is STOP being a nice-guy type. She has fired you as her H, so stop treating her as though she's your W. Know what I mean? Being submissive and passive is one of the worst things a man can do to destroy his M. Don't believe it? Just look at all the nice-guys on the DB forum. Good that you've read NMMNG. Starsky also recommends reading hold onto your nuts.

You should use your own judgement about things, and not automatically submit to whatever she says or wants. It becomes a habit for some men. So, break the habit and form new ones. Be decisive and show it by not asking her opinion or what she wants. Don't be a jerk, but stand up for what you believe is best for you, the kids, your finances, and your property. Do not back down if she gets mad. I see so many guys afraid of their W's temper. She gets mad, is in a bad mood......so what? You are not required to put up with it. Leave her alone and go somewhere. Do not show it bothers you! Women bully H's who are afraid of their bad moods. Sadly, men submit to it.

Do not be concerned about the lack of interactions with your W. It's when you make an effort to interact that she sees you pursuing her. Let her make the efforts. If she doesn't, then forget it. I know, you are worried about the D going through if you don't interact and get on a better level with her. Trust me, she will see it as you wanting to make up. You don't want to return to what it was before, right? So, you have to become a different man and she has to have time to see him.....and decide she wants him.

You've talked a lot about the W needing to respect her H in order to get away from the friend/brother category. She continuously stays out until 1,2 or 3am on her days. In fact, last Friday she was out until 5:45am!. I confronted her on this and she basically said "you can't tell me what I can or can't do".

Well, she's right. She is divorcing you, and it's kind of late to start confronting her about staying out late. She is living as though she is not M. Maybe you need to do the same (without hooking up with someone, and that type of behavior).

Yes, without respect, a woman cannot truly feel in-love with her H. Her attraction and desire for him will bomb. A lot of problems in the bedroom stem from lack of attraction.....which stems from lack of respect.

Just what would you do if she stayed out until all hours of the night? Legally, there's nothing. Yes, it's disrespectful of her, but she no longer sees you as her H. Before she respects you, she will have to experience some consequences. You can start with not keeping the home fires going until she gets there. There are things you no longer have to do. You don't have to keep the front porch light on, the door unlocked, or the lights on in the house. You should not call and check in with her to make sure she's okay. She's a big girl! You don't have to keep her car in good running condition, or fill it with gas. You don't have to keep dinner left-overs for her. You don't ever need to wait up for her! You absolutely do not ask her any questions about her night out. She has removed herself out from under your protection and care. Let her feel some of the consequences. Yes, act as if you don't care. That is how you deal with a WW.

Should I invite her to do activities as a family? Seeing that it Fall and almost Halloween, the kids have several events coming up. I plan on taking them to these and also pumpkin picking this weekend. Thoughts?

No, that is serving her cake. Plan for you and the kids. If she asks if she can go along, give some kind of impersonal response. "I really don't care what you do".

Here's the thing. At this point in your R, you cannot behave as though you were reconciling. It is the man's nature (I guess) to pursue and try to persuade the W, hoping to change her mind. It will not work with a wayward wife. She first has to experience consequences, gain respect for him, feel remorse, start feeling attraction, and be willing to do what is necessary to reconcile. I'd say your WW is not there, yet. However, a lot can happen in 90 days.

When she had chosen to do the right thing, and she gets her attitude and mindset right....then you can do some of the things you wish you could do at the moment.

I don't know if our marriage is salvageable based on how far down the path of D we are and the lack of interactions we have. I am working on me, but don't know if I am being too cold for her to even recognize I am changing and being the best me.

At this point, it's not about trying to have interactions, okay? I doubt you could be too cold for a WW. Seriously! I wish guys could understand it. What you call cold is probably you trying to detach. Some guys don't know how to distinguish between the two, so if you think it's acting cold.....just don't worry about it right now. Trust me, if she starts seeing you be the man that attracts her.....she'll come after you.

Don't sit and pout. Don't show you are depressed, worried, etc. Be mysterious about your GAL. Not only does she not have to answer to you....but it's a two way street. The nights she's going out, be sure you and the kids are having fun as she's leaving. Don't do her chores. (If you've read my posts, you've probably seen me get up in the air about men doing all the housework and cooking for the WW).