confused newbie 5

[dday]

I am grateful today:

Yesterday I paid my half of the mortgage, for a house I cant live in. But, I don't have to do it again for a month. That part is nice.

Watching a series that is very interesting to me, and takes me from reality from time to time.

I had a couple conversations last night, one with a friend about normal stuff, the other with family about D stuff. Both were very helpful to me.


_________________________________________________________

I hope today that I get some enlightenment about the fact that our D has been stalled. I don't know what will come of it, but I am so tired of being in limbo. Having no control. I am ready for this to be over. Every day, I feel a little less for her. Every day, there is a little more damage done, even if we don't contact each other. I am tired of this, emotionally. Back to not sleeping as well as I would like.

I do not want D. I am going to go about my life as if I am single from this point on. Not going to worry about what she thinks of me. I have done that for months, being insecure. To h@ll with that. It's time to put my life in gear, and do something. Not sure what that will look like, but I am ready to have fun again. Been far too long. I am lonely, and want companionship, but I have told myself that I wouldn't date until D was final. I feel that I owe my commitment that much. Even if she has broken our wedding vows, I will not.

Keep moving forward!
That quote is from a kids movie "Meet the Robinsons". I like it

[dday]

I am debating on asking her L why we don't have a court date. It has been bugging me all day. It would be nice to know what the holdup is. To know what to expect. Mad that she is prolonging this process on me and my boys (whom she still hasn't talked to), or hopeful that she is thinking things through still. This is still tough.

On my part, I don't feel needy or clingy. I DO still care how this shakes out, but I don't feel dependent on the outcome that I have hoped for. I am tired of being alone though. I am somewhat excited about getting my own house, probably building one. Once that process is started, it will be hard to turn back. I am waiting on spring to build, so at that point it would be a whole lot harder to go back. Every day, I feel less pull towards her. Less attraction. Less certainty. Is that detachment? Is that falling out of love? I'm not sure what it is.

I'm tired of living this way though. It's better now than 2 weeks ago, but I hate that everything is still up in the air. I don't understand why W was so quick to file, and now everything is on hold. I don't understand why, if she is certain, she hasn't sat down with the boys to explain this to them. I don't understand why we haven't sat down and split up assets on paper. I am surprised that she hasn't wanted me to get the rest of my things moved out.

Thoughts? I have a lot rolling around in my head, but I am still able to joke around and laugh. Still smiling more too. Ready to move forward with my life, just need to figure out how.

[Thornton]

I suggest maintaining your course, dday.

You feel detached today and ready to move on. I can almost guarantee your feelings will be different in a few weeks. Expect ups and downs.

When you are ready to be done, you won't feel the need to post about it here, you'll know.

Hang in there buddy, you are doing really good. Patience!

[Fogg]

I agree with what Thornton said about the ups and downs. You will go back and forth and your feelings for her will reach peaks where you couldn't imagine being with her anymore to wanting her back. My advice would be to forget those feelings and just live your life right now. Feeling change over time and it's best not to make any decisions based on them. Just be careful about jumping to a new partner because it's possible it will be just to fill a void and you might not be ready emotionally. It's ok to feel alone and want intimacy, it's not ok to rush a new relationship and hurt someone else to make yourself feel good.

[dday]

I really do not want another relationship. I would much rather have my family whole, if that is possible. Not the old M, but a much better one. I am tired of the uncertainty. I don't know that I want to be done, but I want to have a clearer idea of the path I am on. I'm working on not being as effected by her actions. Is what I am feeling detachm3nt?

[Azzork]

It would be nice to know what to expect.

I am tired of being alone though.

Once that process is started, it will be hard to turn back.

I'm tired of living this way though.

This all sounds like impatience. You just want to KNOW THE ENDING.

I just posted something similar to Uphill.

Why not visualize the ending you want and take steps towards realizing it?

Does pushing the divorce through faster get you closer to your visualized ending?

[dday]

You're right az. I so want to know the ending. Tired of limbo. I don't want the D at all, but if it has to happen, I wish it would be quick.

The ending I want is to be back home in a happy marriage. At this point, I don't know what steps I can take to make that happen. I feel that it's all up to her, and I have gone as dark as possible for the last week. She seemed to want to talk more when she saw me, and has texted me a few times. I haven't responded though, which I would have in the past.

I am very open to ideas!

[Fogg]

From what I've heard of these situations patience is the biggest factor is ending in a new relationship with W. Many want that quick ending so the limbo and uncertainty is over. Question is can you move forward with your life while continuing to stay in that limbo if it means the best chance of the outcome you want?

[dday]

Ok guys, you are probably all correct. I will mellow out and do nothing for a while. I am trying to be dark/gray because W wants me to be a friend. I won't settle for that.

Now, when I do have to talk with her, I feel like I am cold and short. I don't think that is the best way to appear, but I don't know how to draw the line and not be friends. It's all or nothing for me on this. She is my W or someone I do business with. Those are the options to me.

[Azzork]

Now, when I do have to talk with her, I feel like I am cold and short.

She is my W or someone I do business with.

Is that how you normally treat people that you do business with?