Zues, you almost convinced me to buy a pool table, I can visualize you playing and your excitement is contagious! Although in my house it would probably soon be overtaken by legos. The only thing I have come close to having that passion for is hot yoga, which as I get older has to get less hot because I get dizzy, but I really should get back into it. To work on the postures and every day get a little bit closer to achieving a pose I couldn't do before, that was fun. Not that I can hustle anyone with my yoga moves though, lol!
I think the perfect ideal marriage does not exist anywhere but in movies and our dreams. And if there was a forum devoted to the few that might exist, I think we'd all feel less inspired by it and more hopeless about our own situations. I don't mean us DB'ers, I mean people in general. I think we'd look at it and say "That's not what I have, it must be my spouse's fault, I deserve better". It is human nature. We do that anyway, when comparing ourselves to others without even realizing what other's have or do not have. Pre BD I honestly thought most of my friends were happy. Since then, I have opened up and really talked to the people around me, only to find out that most people have struggles, and the ones who are "happy" are content, not really "happy." People project a certain image, on FaceBook, in casual conversation, just in general, people seem happy and managing and pulled together.
I have talked freely on this forum about my 14 year old daughter. I have no clue how I am going to survive the next few years with her. Her attitude is beyond awful, her stress is out of control and she is verbally abusive. I go on FB and all of my friends post their kids are on honor roll, going to Disney for vacation, kids just won some track meet, etc etc etc. I want to get on there and say "D14 just went to school 3 days in a row! She ate dinner without screaming! We rode in a car together for 30 minutes without having to pull over because of her screaming at me." But I couldn't, and while most of my friends know I struggle with her, they have NO idea the extent.
Same with marriages. Even now, most of my friends know we are struggling. I have a couple of friends who know the details. But most people think we are in counseling and assume that means we are working it out. Most people do not know the depths of my pain, and obviously, I didn't know the depths of H's pain pre-BD and I was married to him. I knew my MIL was in pain and I chose to view that as a combative situation instead of with compassion. And that has come back to bite me in the ass a million times over.
It is easy to assume that "most" people are fine, but I am learning that many, many of us are not. That is one thing this whole experience has taught me, opened my eyes big time to the amount of suffering and struggling that goes on all around me, and made me a much more compassionate and less judgmental person.
Another thing about arranged marriages, I think they are usually within cultures where extended family is so important, so the marriage, yes, is important, but has the support of both sides of the family and the expectation that it will work. At least in my case, I have in laws actively trying to "put me in my place" (yes they have used that term). In our culture the whole responsibility for the M rests on the H and the W and its just them against the world, which is hard. In other cultures, the families come together. Unless I have a misconception about other cultures, that is my impression.
On another topic, Zues, I have looked at your post several times, the one where you posted your mother's letter to her H, and all I can say is wow. That letter has resonated with me, and really opened my eyes to the fact that this is exactly how I think, and how I always have thought. I used to wonder why it is that H has so many complaints about me, and what is wrong with me that I have just as many about him but I don't talk about them? I used to wonder if I was setting the bar too low, or just letting myself be a doormat. Even in MC, H will spend half an hour reciting my faults, and I sit there thinking "I could say the same exact things about him" and then when it i my turn to say anything I just say "I am sorry." I don't go there and week after week I wonder why, I just don't have it in me to recite his faults. Once I read your mother's letter I realized that there is nothing wrong with me, it is my strength. It isn't because I think I don't deserve better, it isn't because I am afraid to lose him. It is because I don't look for weakness in people, and I never expected for him to work on his flaws to solve my problems. Your mother put that so well into words. So thank you for sharing that letter.
